Tuesday, November 30, 2010

cita-cita

waktu masih kecil, kita suka ditanya : nanti kalo uda gede mau jadi apa? jawaban yg keluar macem², ada yg pgn jd arsitek, pengusaha, dokter, ibu rumah tangga, wartawan, etc etc. pokoknya semua hal yg kedengerannya keren, pgn dijadiin cita². yg kita gatau adlh jalan menuju kesana itu ga gampang.

as time goes by, jawaban yg keluar dr mulut anak kecil itu ga selalu jadi kenyataan. ada yg awalnya pgn jd wartawan dan nyasar ke fakultas teknik fisika. ada jg yg dulu blg pgn jd guru musik tp skr kuliah kedokteran. gw sendiri ga inget dulu pgn jd apa, rasanya gw ga pernah ngasih jawaban khusus. dan kenyataan bahwa skr gw duduk di semester 3 kadang suka bikin gw mikir. apa ini yg gw mau?

nein, gw ga meragukan jurusan kuliah gw skr. ga ada yg maksa gw untuk itu dan gw menjalani kuliah dgn sepenuh hati. tp seinget gw, waktu kecil jawaban mau jadi dokter ga pernah keluar dr mulut gw. gw sempet pgn kuliah HI. pernah jg stlh mampir ke edufair gw jd pgn kuliah komunikasi dan public relation. pas SMA kelas 2 gw terdaftar di dua universitas swasta sebagai calon mahasiswa psikologi (gw bahkan uda bayar sebagian uang pangkal di slh satu univ dan punya jas mahasiswanya). satu hal yg gw tau pasti : gw ga mau kuliah teknik. it doesnt sound right.

18 tahun kemudian, ga ada lagi org yg nanya gw : kalo uda tua mau jadi apa? pandangan orang pada umumnya, apa yg loe ambil sebagai jurusan kuliah loe skr, itulah yg akan menentukan akan jadi apa loe nanti kalo uda tua. pdhl ga sedikit org kuliah teknik kimia dan berakhir jd teller di bank. ada jg yg kuliah ekonomi trus akhirnya diem di rmh ngurus anak. kenalan gw lulusan matematika malah jd guru privat bahasa inggris.

padahal justru menurut gw, sekarang lah waktunya kita untuk ditanya : mau jadi apa? your biological clock is ticking, kalo di umur yg uda 21 tahun loe msh gatau mau jadi apa, mau jadi apa loe nanti kalo uda umur 40? uda ga banyak lahan bebas, uda bukan waktunya lagi kita bertani. politik uda terlalu kotor, gausa lah mimpi jadi presiden. uda ada terlalu banyak dokter, jgn kuliah kedokteran, nambahin jumlah pengangguran aja. sekarang jaman modern, orang² gaul ngobrolnya di twitter or BBMan, ngapain kuliah komunikasi? jadi kalo uda tua kita ngapain donk?

if u ask me, i dont know the answer either. im not being sceptical, this is an honest question. what should i do? what should i do to make my life worth living? is loving each other enough? no, we need money to buy food. ga akan pernah ada kata cukup. uda punya sepatu, pgn beli stiefel. uda punya iPod, pgn beli iPad. uda punya pacar, pgn punya ttm-an. padahal stiefel, iPad dan selingkuhan ga bisa dibawa mati. yg kita butuh nanti cm satu baju, sepasang sepatu, sepasang sarung tangan.

beberapa waktu belakangan, gw punya cita² baru : pgn meninggal muda. range usia meninggal muda buat gw adlh antara umur 30 - 40 tahun. tapi meninggal muda pun ga kalah susah, banyak syaratnya. gw pgn meninggal muda, asal gw uda keliling dunia. asal gw uda lulus kuliah. asal gw uda kerja sesuai bidang kuliah gw. asal gw uda ngerasain semua yg pgn gw rasain di masa hidup gw. wow. kayaknya cita² meninggal muda terlalu sulit direalisasikan. mungkin emang lebih gampang punya cita² jadi presiden, atau petani.

Saturday, November 27, 2010

obsessed

hallo (:

yes im back after a month full of tortures. no kidding kuliah is killing me. but as always, semakin menyiksa kuliah, semakin gede semangat gw untuk cepet sampe finish line. first check point is this weekend. ujian² babak pertama uda lewat, hasilnya ga mengecewakan lah ;) sayangnya ga ada bnyk wkt buat recharge, am montag geht es wieder los bis zum weihnachten.

its snowing anw, afdol sudah winter 2010. and white christmas is silently sneaking between the snowflakes. seriously, im craving for christmas runaway. 970 km from here, budapest is waving at me with its sparkling bridge at night. really wish i could go there in december. but yeah you know, im jobless every winter. i make - 400 euro every month so how in God's name could i pay for this travelling stuff? should i sell myself?

and this NYC obsession i had since summer. i told myself that i have to be in NYC 3 years from now to celebrate christmas at times square and it haunts me eversince. i feel a butterfly in my tummy everytime i see that black and white NYC - big apple - times square - empire state building - shot glass el has given to me. oh screw it, dreaming keeps you healthy ;)

Saturday, November 6, 2010

06.11.10

dear all,


this isnt any particular post, just me an my thoughts lately. life is full with unanswered questions, unfinished tasks, undescribable facts. life is uncertain. just this one : death is the only certain thing in the whole life. and u'll never know whom, why, where, when and how exactly it happens.

dan ketika kenyataan tentang kehilangan itu datang begitu dekat dengan hidup kita, kita baru akan menyadari bahwa hidup orang² di sekitar kita, siapapun orang itu, seperti apa orang itu ketika masih hidup, dan apa saja yg sudah dia lakukan selama hidupnya, ada maksud dan tujuannya baik secara langsung ataupun tidak.

ga ada satu orangpun yg bisa lolos dari kematian. ga peduli suka ato ga, siap ato ga, ketika waktunya tiba, u have to take off. forever and no turning back. u got a life and it is once. seize the day. live fully, live happily, live willingly. dan sebagai orang yg ditinggalkan, pelan² kita belajar tentang arti kehilangan. tell them, tell the people how much u love them each and every day. learn to forgive and forget. try to understand then let go.

we knew exactly how it feels. u'll never be alone cuz we'll be there. and we love u.


yours, stella

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

saya, dia, kamu

saya tidak tahu. sungguh tidak mau tahu.
tapi saya rasa saya harus tahu. mau apa kamu?
kenapa kamu seperti itu? mau apa kamu?
mau tidak mau saya mencari tahu.

siapa kamu?
mau apa kamu?
kenapa kamu begitu?
yang lalu biar berlalu.

saya lelah. ingin menyerah kalah.
tak mau lagi menahan amarah.
penasaran saya seperti arwah.
timbul tenggelam tanpa arah.

kamu cuma bungkam.
yang berkata hanya diam.
mata hati saya biarkan terpejam.
sungguh saya ingin tenggelam.

siapa kamu?
dan kenapa harus kamu?
terlalu singkatkah saya kenal kamu?
atau saya yang selama ini tidak tahu?

logika bilang tinggalkan.
hati bilang jangan dan terus tahan.
apa yang harus saya katakan?
mau kembali sendirian?

lagu yang berdendang.
kata kata yang mengambang.
perasaan ada di simpang.
dan saya mengenang.

cerita itu.
lepas tawa dan tangis sendu.
terbungkus waktu terbawa laju.
itu yang saya tahu.

tapi bagaimana dengan dia?
dengan setumpuk janji dan segenggam cerita?
dengan sebuah buku yang belum ada akhirnya?
apa dia sudah menerima?

lalu kenapa dia begitu?
tahu dia itu buat saya pilu?
lidah saya kelu.
emosi terbawa tanpa perlu.

tahu dia siapa saya?
kalau tidak tahu tanya saja.
saya bersedia bertemu dengannya.
tatap mata saya dan katakan semuanya.

siapa saya untuk kamu?
siapa dia bagi kamu?
kisah yang sudah lalu?
atau bekas teman bercumbu?

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

A to Z

i suck at LDR. even the fake one. nope, i wasn't born for that thing.

i'm tired, i'm bored. i used too much heart instead of brain. i know it shouldn't be that way, but as i said, i suck at LDR, i gave up way too quick. i can't trust things i don't see. jealousy is my middle name, stubborn my last name. i'm sceptical.

i get very angry because of the smallest mistake. people can hardly make me laugh. even a single smile took a huge effort. i lost weight. i'm an egoist. the candy is mine. i made a very clear and very neat boundary around it.

i was born with a high dignity. i don't think i need help. i know if i would, i can do almost everything by myself. i'm a leo born as a snake. i have powers, i'm tricky. i know exactly how to act or how long i should wait. i could kill you easily, but also let you slowly die in pain. i know how to rule.

but sadly. i don't know what i'm talking about.

Sunday, August 29, 2010

but

you are very nice, but..


yeah, doesnt matter how great things are, there will always be a but.


Wednesday, August 11, 2010

happy belated birthday, stella

i called my mom today, we talked for like 3 hours. we laughed, we shared, we thought about each other. and at this very point, im thinking to myself : am i asking too much from her? am i doing any good for her lately? am i mature enough now? am i getting better day by day? well im not sure. sometimes i feel like im stuck in my body. im just getting old, but not getting mature. i still get lost, i still need advice, i obviously need a trashbin for my stories every week. i need her, indeed.

well its not a mother's day. but once again, thank you for gaving me birth, mom. thank you for raising me until today. thank you for being such a great mother. thank you for your patience and love. sorry i cant ever pay you back. but i love you. so much.


your one and only daughter,
stella

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

stuffs

yes, insomnia is my best friend since last week.
yes, summer is over.
damn!

sommerferien strated from july 12th and in these 2 weeks i was working, making a tagesfamulatur at marburg, searching for a new flat, working and working again. i work like a stupid cow. everytime i went home my hands ached, my feet felt like a melting cheese and i smelled like milk and flour. what a perfect combination!

fyi i passed all my exams, quite happy with the result. not sure to do a pflegepraktikum this holiday, seems like im not in the mood. found a cute flat in mainz kastel. its not in rheinland pfalz anymore, its in hessen. ab dem 1.9. ziehe ich aus dem keller aus. hallo dachgeschoss, tschüss funkloch! nie wiedersehen!

am thinking for the million times to make an EU driving license. but somehow too lazy to walk down the street and ask. and too scared to hear the price ;) just randomly made a shopping list at ikea.de, knowing that i wont have desk and bed in kastel. impulsively added a nice carpet onto the list. it looks good though, 90x200 cm cotton carpet with navy blue - white stripes just for 10 euro!

kinda miss home lately. and even worse to know the guy is going home without me. too bad. gonna be alone for straight 6 weeks. bloody emirates, why do u have to be so expensive ?! bloody häagen dazs for taking stupid new employees these days. and for God's sake, give me more sunshine, please. its july and its raining cats and dogs here!

its 4 am in the morning and im fully awake. seriously, what is wrong with me.

Thursday, June 10, 2010

tagline

and we are so fragile
and our cracking bones make noise
and we are just


..breakable girls and boys

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

dear you

oh man. you are such a BASTARD !

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

living abroad

is like walking day by day, without knowing whats gonna be at the end of the road.
sounds very cool, until u face the real world in front of u.
worse, u cant run or hide.
makes u realize, u arent 10 years old anymore.
teaches u how to cook, wash, and sew.
sometimes it pushes u so hard, u think u couldnt even take a single breath.
takes away ur precious weekend because u have to work.
gives u chance to smell the wind and feel the grass under ur feet in a different way.
provides u as much freedom as u wish.
reminds u about something called self responsibility.
punches u in the face with the worst and most painfull experiences.
cheers u up with tons of opportunities and interesting stories.
builts up ur confidence and self esteem.
might be the golden years in ur whole life.

i just cant find another way to describe this thing.

Friday, April 23, 2010

smile (:

smile, though your heart is aching
smile, eventhough its breaking
when there are clouds in the sky
u'll get by


if u smile with ur fear and sorrow
smile and maybe tomorrow
u'll find that life is still worthwhile
if u just
light up ur face with gladness
hide every trace of sadness
although a tear may be ever so near

thats the time u must keep on trying
smile, whats the use of crying

u'll find that life is still worthwhile
if u just smile

*smile - charlie chaplin

Sunday, April 11, 2010

arrivederci winterferien !

winter holiday officially ends today. setelah 1 minggu labor kimia, 4 minggu praktikum di klinikum, akhirnya gw hanya bisa mengecap 11 hari nikmatnya liburan. surely, im still craving for more heheh. tomorrow ab 8.30 uhr rutinitas ngampus - nugas - ngerokin es krim kembali dimulai. oh yeah gw balik lg ke häagen dazs. welcome summer, welcome hand sprain :p

i couldnt fulfill my promise to tell u more about my internship. not that interesting though, cm 1x ngeluarin 16 staples bekas operasi meningeom, 2x nyabut central venous catheter, 2x nyabut urin catheter, ca. 12x nyabut jarum infus, berkali-kali cabut pasang antithrombosestrumpfe, ganti sprei, mandiin, nyuapin, dan ngajak ngbrl pasien. oia, 1x ngajak pasien main ular tangga. soo much fun (:

intermezzo aja, dalam 11 hari kyny berat gw nambah (terlalu) banyak, secara kerjaan gw cm online - makan - jalan - nonton - tidur. geez. dan krn tangan mendadak gatel pgn bikin muffin, jadinya gw beli backmischung chocochips muffin di rewe. not bad lah, tmn gw yg notabene jago bgd bikin kue aja blg muffin gw enak :p trus bkin popcorn dan martabak telur. trus hari rabu dtg segerombolan anak nürnberg krmh gw, dan bbrp dr mereka pgn mkn di chilli pepper. jadilah kamisnya kita mkn ky orang maruk dsana. trus sabtunya mkn di maredo. masih di hari yg sama kita ditraktir mkn sm si tante di indochine (perut gw mw meledak rasanya) dan ditutup dengan ditraktir kino abend di cinecitta.

i cant ask for more, ngeliat makanan aja skr rasanya lgs kenyang. hahah. gpp, cadangan lemak untuk 3 bln sebelum mulai skip-skip makan krn gada waktu. willkommen, sommersemester ! be nice !

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

guten morgen allerlei !

selamat hari raya nyepi (:

selamat kuliah lg buat anak² FH. selamat belajar jg untuk saya sendiri. heheh. H-1 chemie klausur, 80% stoffe uda di kepala, 20% lg mch hrs dikejar hr ini, plus bikin summary. after a long long time, akhirnya gw ngerasain lg enaknya tdr jm 6 sore dan br bgn lg jm 6 bsk paginya. hahah. keboo keboo.

well seiring matahari yg semak
in sering absen every 6am, gw pun dengan senang hati menyambut spring yg rada ketelatan taun ini. brgkt ke uniklinik ditemenin bulan yg mch utuh menggantung di langit, pulangnya disambut sm middle-speed wind blow dan sinar matahari. hmm. warming up with a glass of hot chocolate dan depapepe, bukannya semangat bljr gw mlh semangat jalan². hahah ngaco bgd deh.

weekend kmrn, di sela² bljr, gw iseng googling ttg bratislava n budapest. pgn jalan² lg eui. ada yg nyaranin backpacking, ada yg nyaranin jgn nginep di bratislava, ada j
g yg nyaranin bwt brgkt dr wien. tp secara wien itu jauh bgd dr mainz (10 hours by train) gw überlegen lg lah bwt brgkt dr wien. kl naik kereta 5 jam nürnberg - prague aja uda hampir kram pantat, 10 jam mainz - wien gw bs amputasi pantat. tp ya itu alasannya kenapa diciptakan sesuatu yg namanya air plane. naja. we'll see when i'll go there. summer ini kyny ga mgkn, maybe next year spring holiday (: anw intermezzo aja, gw blkgn lg niat bgd bikin SIM EU. mahal sih, tp berlaku seumur hidup. ngiler bgd gw, jd kl mw travelling kan gausa naik kereta lg, tinggal sewa mobil aja. ga perlu berat² nenteng tas, tinggal masukkin bagasi. yay ! tp duitnya darimana ya ? *wondering apakah ada yg mw patungan bayarin SIM gw hahah*











Saturday, March 6, 2010

1st week summary

uda hampir seminggu ini gw bgn jam 5 tiap pagi buat ngejar tram jam 5.20 supaya bs sampe on time di uniklinik. yeah, sebulan full gw kudu bikin pflegepraktikum, smthg like nursing intern, di klinikum kampus gw. kerjaannya standard kerjaan suster. mulai dr ngukur tensi, temperatur, pulse, gula darah, sampe bantuin makan n mandi. kebetulan gw dpt jatah di neurosurgery bagian kepala. most of my patients have brain tumor, some have parkinson, some are paralyzed, some have traumatic brain injury.

actually gada mslh yg signifikan sih sampe skr. major problem gw adlh sometimes gw ga ngerti mereka mau apa. kadang krn mereka ga bs ngmg dgn jelas sbagai efek samping dr penyakitnya, kadang gw mch ngantuk n ga bnr² ngerti bahasa jrmn mrk. secara pasiennya sbagian besar org tua, mereka pastinya ngmg pake dialek yg kuat bgd dr negara bagian masing². oke lah, mereke dirawat di klinikum mainz, tp ga berarti station gw isinya org mainz smua. bbrp org bayern, dan loe tau sndiri org bayern itu dialeknya ky poop, susah bgd bwt dmengerti oleh gw yg kdg lemot di pagi hari. aber ansonsten läuft alles ganz gut.

td pagi gw bantuin 1 opa 1 oma n 1 om mandi. si opa n si om mandi di tmp tdr, si oma mandi di kmr mandi. fyi si oma masih pake kateter bwt pipis dan blm bs jalan normal sndirian, gw blm seminggu praktikum disitu, means gw cukup ngeri kateternya ketarik sana sini trus copot. ada jg yg uda 2 hr gw siapin breakfastnya, genau in dieser reihenfolge : 1/2 brötchen mit butter, quark, und honig. begitu terus sampe 2 ganzes brötchen habis. stlh itu roggenbrot mit butter und 2 slice käse, trus roggenbrotnya dipotong querschnitt. kopinya hrs dituang ke cangkir sampe 3/4 penuh. abis itu dy minum obatnya, trus gw bs bawa tray-nya balik ke dapur. lucu sih. cm gw hrs adjust speed nyiapin roti sama speed dy mkn roti. gada yg blh lbh cepet ato lbh lama, sonst slh 1 bakal ngerasa diburu².

oia. tgl 1 kmrn, hr pertama gw. tmn gw ngajak gw visit pasien yg br autounfall, ternyata dy minta gw nyabut central venous catheter. itu katater yg nyalurin darah kotor bekas operasi claviculafraktur dr jantung lewat bahu. well gw ga nyabut seperangkat jarum yg ada disitu, gw blm cukup canggih. tp pas smua kanüle uda lepas dr sekeliling kateternya, dy nengok gw dan ngmg : would u do the honor to pull out the catheter ? bhoaaa geil ! it might sound yuckie dan eww, aber egal (:

naja. too tired to write more. but i promise i will. oia. mch ada 1 ujian tgl 17 ini, gw br bljr sdkt bgd dan gw freaked out. bahannya amit² banyaknya, i dunno where to start. wish me luck, fellas !

Sunday, February 28, 2010

tumblethought 5

how to define love ?

it could be a gift (engl.) : present
it could also be a gift (deut.) : poison

so. is it a present or a poison ?

Thursday, February 11, 2010

tumblethought 4

i dreamed last night. i have two options this morning :

a. go back to sleep and continue my dream
b. wake up and chase my dream - make it real

someday at christmas

christmas ist vorbei since almost 2 months ago. but its snow here everywhere, it feels like christmas everyday. except there is no tanenbaum oder weihnachtsmarkt. no maronen und mandeln no glühwein. but there is snow. and hope in every man's heart. like we are locked in time.

the day i left ist vorbei since 30 months ago. but it feels like im home everyday. with mom around, helping hands of stranger, laughs among friends. i failed one of my exams, it feels like i failed on one subject at school. no regrets. there will always be shoulders to cry on, hands to wipe tears, and people to laugh with. i dont regret anything. anything that happens in life, not only mine - but also others, happens for a reason. it doesnt matter. they push u down, u bounce back. its like dribbling a basketball. or chewing a buble gum.

the day i fell in love ist vorbei since 9 months ago. but i still fall in love with that guy. my heart beats for them. i mean not only for that guy, but also other people i love. my heart beats for me. for those unfinished tasks. for uncountable ways in front of me. for billion pages about stories of life. for hope. for another day at christmas. dude, dunno what am i gonna be without u. dont go. cuz if u go, who else would be my dearest friend ?

the day i was born ist vorbei since 246 months ago. it never feels the same by the time u have birthday. u know ur gonna have another birthday, and another next year, and anothers next years. until someday u wont anymore. ur tasks are finished. ur steps are steady. ur stories are done, it ends happily. ur hope is fulfilled. and everyday becomes christmas day.


un jour parfait (:

Thursday, January 28, 2010

lost in space

as usual i dont have any extraordinary story to share

kadang hidup bs jd sangat kosong sampe kita bingung hrs di isi sama apa. setiap tarikan nafas, setiap langkah kaki, setiap detak jantung, ga bs ngasih bocoran tentang hari² kedepan. cuma yg pasti nafas harus terus ditarik, kaki harus terus melangkah, dan jantung harus tetap berdetak sampai akhir.

dan saat keadaan sangat ga bersahabat sampe loe pgn berhenti bernafas, kadang gada yg bs dilakukan selain tetap menarik nafas lebih panjang drpd sebelumnya. kontradiktif ? ya. cliche ? sangat. cape ? gw juga. tapi memang blm waktunya kita berhenti bernafas, masih bnyk hal yg hrs dicoba, masih bnyk cerita yg hrs ditulis, masih bnyk kesempatan yg hrs diraih, masih bnyk tawa dan air mata yg menunggu dikeluarkan.

one after another, one after another
c'est la vie and que sera sera

Monday, January 18, 2010

if

if i could turn back time, i would like to talk with u ofter.
if i could turn back time, i would kiss u not just once in the morning, but every time i could.
if i could turn back time, i wish i could not only be ur daughter, but also ur friend.
if i could turn back time, i would tell u all my stories, about life, campus, secrets, happiness and sadness.
if i could turn back time, i would ask ur opinion about boys around me, which are good and which are bastard.
if i could turn back time, i wont have this undescribable feeling about u, cuz i would have known u better.
if i could turn back time, we wont only talk for 15 mins on the phone every 6 months, maybe one hour every weekend.
if i could turn back time, u would call me 'my daughter' since i was born, not since 2 years ago.
if i could turn back time, i would say that i have two most important things in life, not one.
if i could turn back time, i would respect u the way u deserve, not like this.
if i could turn back time, i would proudly introduce u to my friends.
if i could turn back time, i would cry when i miss u in a sudden, just like when i miss mom.
if i could turn back time, i wouldnt feel too late to know u.

if i could turn back time, if i knew u better, i would tell everyone, i have the best man in the world.

Sunday, January 3, 2010

2010

wow. long time no type, dear blog. yes i miss u quite much. just that i cant tell u anything anytime, people come here sometimes to get some quick updates from u about me. but yeah, u are still one of my best friends (:

u remember when i told u about christmas ? guess what, i got what i want. was home for christmas, with mom and grands and aunties and uncles and cousins and friends and *almost forget* dad. most of them complained me, they thought i stayed way too quick. well what can i do, campus starts again this monday. but tell u what, home for christmas wasnt as smooth as i thought.

as people said, theres always a price to pay. and so was this christmas. not only that 550 euro i paid for the ticket, but also those tears, those fights, those hard feelings. i was home for christmas because they set me to. who they are, u dont have to know. but the point is, they were trying to tell me something. it wasnt easy though, but i got what they mean. and just like the life goes on, i go on. without knowing whats gonna be. without having a clear vision about the future like i had before. without fear, because i wont take it for granted.

and as christmas went by, i gotta go home. nope, im not mistaken. this underground room with its yellow lamp is my home. that river is my sanctuary. we cant have two houses at the same time, we have to choose. just like when people gotta take one decision after another. some of them are easy, some are very difficult that u almost give up. so i made choises, i took decisions, i picked my own ways, i said my words, i paid for what ive done. i do all those things here, in my home, where i have to walk along the way in winter spring summer and fall. not there, where i drive my own car or even get a driver.

i know, maybe u dont get what im trying to say. i dont talk directly to the point. dont ask me to, because as i said, people come here sometimes to get some quick updates from u about me. i dont want them to understand. i just need to tell u whats in my mind and how tired i am. yes im tired. as i was too, 5 years ago. 5 years ago i was 15 and stupid. now im 20 and still not that smart. i still get lost sometimes, i have to admit. but at least im home now.