tanggal cantik

itu kata hampir semua orang tentang hari ini. gw jamin jalanan Jakarta macet dan semua gedung fully booked karena banyak yg nikahan. dan semua dokter kandungan lembur karena banyak yg lahiran. for me, its just an ordinary day just like every other day. its windy and cloudy, just like it should be in November.

kenapa banyak orang milih tanggal cantik buat nikah dan melahirkan anaknya? they said because its special and easy to remember. but hey. you've been pregnant for 9 months, carrying your baby in your tummy every second in those months, so how could you forget when exactly they were born? my grannie has 6 children, she is 71 years old now and still can remember clearly what day what time her kids were born. whats wrong with mommies nowadays? and hey you newly weds. this is the day when you said I do to each other, followed with sugar sweet promise till death do us part. this is your day for God's sake! impossible to forget unless you are a goldfish who only has a 30 seconds memory. not being cynical here, I just don't get the idea. but that's none of my business anyway.

hmm. gw sih lebih milih punya tanggal cantik buat urusan lain. to take off from this world, for example. lo bisa milih tanggal cantik buat nikah dan melahirkan, tapi lo ga akan pernah bs milih tanggal cantik buat berpulang. kalopun dapet tanggal cantik, paling itu coincidence. orang bisa maksa melahirkan sebelum waktunya demi tanggal cantik, tapi gw yakin ga akan ada orang yg nyopotin selang oksigen keluarganya supaya mereka bs berpulang di tanggal cantik. definisi tanggal cantik disini bukan cm sebatas digit yg berulang or whatsoever. ada banyak hal² lain yg bisa mendefinisikan bahwa tanggal tertentu itu cantik, baik, tepat.

bokap gw berpulang tanggal 15 october 2011. secara kasat mata, ga ada yg istimewa dari tanggal itu. ga cantik, ga ada digit yg berulang. tapi tanggal berpulang bokap cuma selang kira² sebulan dari tanggal ulang tahunnya. tanggal 6 september kemarin, siapa yg mengira kalo dia akan take off bulan depan? gw juga ga menyangka, 1 hari di bulan october tahun lalu akan jadi hari terakhir gw ketemu bokap dalam kondisi masih hidup. ga mengira bahwa kali berikutnya, gw harus menunduk di atas peti dan say goodbye. forever. and he won't talk back to me. anymore.

if you ask me, gw juga gatau kapan tanggal yg cantik, baik dan tepat buat bokap untuk berpulang. tanggal yg cantik, baik dan tepat menurut gw, bukan tanggal yg cantik, baik dan tepat menurut the Chairman. the Chairman has his own timing and its not just good, its perfect.

its okay to pick tanggal cantik as your special date. apapun yg lo lakukan di tanggal cantik, ingat, tanggal itu lo pilih dengan harapan semoga sesuatu yg lo mulai atau lakukan di hari itu bisa berjalan secantik dan sebaik tanggalnya. maybe till the end of time. so don't take it for granted. do your best, seize your day. supaya nanti saat lo harus take off, ga peduli tanggalnya cantik atau ga, you could say to yourself : yes, this really is the perfect time.

message in the bottle

dear you,

let me tell you something. no, its not something big or extraordinary.
i just want to tell you i love him. but i also love her.
i dont know whom i love more, i dont think i have to know.
its just, you know.
people say you cant love two persons at the same time. you have to choose.

i love her since the first time we met. i cant live without her.
we have a very strong bond between us. she knows every single thing about me, she knows me really well.
and i love him since the first time we talked to each other. he literally got me.
my very best friend and companion. we have lots of things in common.

and i know that you know.
if you ask me to choose one of them, you know i cant.
you know its not an easy thing to do.
you cant just choose one and leave the other one stranded by the sidewalk.
there are feelings between you and them. feelings, memories, stories, tons of them.
you know i cant. yet.

prayer of the night

Good God,

please hold my hand, teach me Your way, lead me on Your path.
Let me be a blessing for my Mom.
Let me be her happiness, let me be one of the reason she's thanking You for.
Because she is the most reasonable reason I'm thanking You for.
Only in Your palm I lay my present, my future and my whole life.

Amen.

i have the best mom in the world!

4 minggu. 28 hari. 672 jam.

selama itu nykp dateng dan nemenin gw disini. 2 di 4 minggu itu jg grannies gw ada disini. thanks for coming, loves. thank you for being a very sweet part of my holiday. i miss you all already *sniff* there wont be any review about those weeks. not that they werent interesting, just because its too sweet to remember i have to cry a little if i talk about it. *i even shed some tears as i type*

all i can say is, i have the best mom in the world. and my mom has the best mom in the world, so i have the best grandma in the world. we all have the best moms in the world. sebawel apapun, se-banyak-aturan apapun, seribet apapun mereka, sampe² kita ngerasa kaya anak kecil umur 5 lg saat sama mereka, trust me, setelah kebawelan itu berubah jd sepi, setelah lo lagi² sendirian di rmh lo, you'll miss it. A LOT. i am still missing my mom so bad, every morning i wake up i walk straight in the kitchen, hoping to see her there cooking. after she left on sunday, i cried in the airport restroom, in the train back home, on my bed until i fell asleep, on monday morning soon after i woke up.

i know, i know all these words sound hyper. but maybe you will get what i mean if you were the only child who lives for years with only your mom (eventhough you also have a father). who shares every single thing, goes almost everywhere and sleeps in the same room with her for more than just one decade. or maybe if you were, you still cant get it. but its okay, i dont care. i have the best mom in the world, i am proud of her and really thankful to have her in my life.

love you, Mom!

same date, another month

och nee. lagi² gw menelantarkan blog gw selama sebulan *geleng geleng kepala* tut mir leid, schätzchen!

oh yes, semester ini beneran berhak dapet penghargaan the suckest semester ever. i feel like a zombie all the time, i still feel like a zombie at this very moment. i gained weight, i lost weight, i lost height - oh wait. you are genetically short, stella. you didn't lose height. i didn't sleep well, my eyes ache everytime they see sunshine through the window. i have been jogging for only 3 times in 3 months, how healthy was that. really have to start jogging every weekend.

and yes, tetangga serumah gw mau pindah. sie hat kein bock mehr auf dachwohnung, so hat sie erzählt. hari minggu nanti ada 1 org yg mau dtg liat kamar. please God, lass es gut gehen! dan cuaca belakangan, you gotta be kidding me! mendung - cerah - gerimis - terik - ujan deres - pengap - mendung sampe bsk subuh. efeknya adalah minggu ini gw ga kerja samasekali. ok now it seems like hari ini gw blogging untuk melampiaskan uneg² yg udah mulai busuk saking disimpen kelamaan. yaudalahya, sekali-kali nyampah di blog sendiri gapapa kan, drpd nyampah di blog org *loh*

seriously. i deserve a long, nice, sunny -not rainy- summer holiday.

yuhuu!

posting terakhir gw tercatat tanggal 16 maret, means udah 3 bln yg lalu *uh-oh*

what happened in 3 months? well ga banyak sih. nyelesain praktikum di rmh sakit, trus mulai kuliah lagi dr tanggal 18 april, mulai kerja lagi dr tanggal 2 mei, ujian berderet setiap 2 minggu, sakit dan *alasan paling klasik* ga sempet blogging. gimana mau ngeblog kalo senin rabu kerja, selasa kamis jumat kuliah, sabtu spoiling-myself-time dan minggu belajar? kalo kata orang jawa : duh Gustiii... itu pun ga selalu berjalan sesuai schedule. kadang spoiling-myself-time-nya kebablasan sampe minggu, kadang belajar hari minggu aja ga cukup, jd unter der woche nongkrong di bibliothek sampe jam 9an, mal so, mal so.

sepertinya boleh jg dibilang kalo semester ini adalah semester paling statis selama gw kuliah. ga ngerasain libur winter (karena mondok di rmh sakit 60 hari), ga ngerasain free weekend (karena ujian ngantri per 2 minggu) dan jarang ngerasain matahari (karena cuacanya labil kayak anak ABG : ujan-panas-ujan-panas). gw rasanya kayak megap-megap sepanjang jalan. plus ngurusin 1 hal yg cukup menyita banyak waktu dan pikiran. untung sekarang udah mulai keliatan titik terangnya, kalo ga gw bs gantung diri di pohon toge.

oya, rumah gw sempet bocor jg waktu itu. iya, ga salah baca, di jerman jg ada kok rumah bocor. apalagi kalo rumah lo lantai 4 dan adanya pas dibawah genteng kayak rumah gw. disini rumah bawah genteng namanya dachgeschoss, artinya langit-langit rumah lo ga lurus horizontal kayak yg biasa di indonesia, tapi miring ngikutin genteng. enaknya adalah lo ga bakal diintipin sama tetangga (karena uda paling tinggi, jd yg bs ngintipin lo cuma burung), ga enaknya adalah jendela kamar lo juga ikut miring kayak genteng ngadep ke langit. nah di bulan-bulan sekarang ini matahari udah terbit dari jam 5, means egal gw pasang weker jam berapapun, jam 5 gw pasti mendusin karena sinar mataharinya kena langsung ke muka gw gara-gara jendela miring. dang! btw mau cerita rumah bocor aja kok ngalor ngidul. yaa intinya tembok kamar gw sempet basah dan benjol-bejol keluar karena kena rembesan air, tp terus udah dibenerin sm vermieternya.

taun lalu rencana ke budapest gagal karena a) pas summer gw kerja kayak orang kalap terus pulang indo b) pas winter gw ga punya budget dan waktu buat travelling, jadi gw natalan di Nürnberg bareng pacar dan temen SD. summer taun ini pun kayaknya ga kemana-mana. tadinya udah seneng karena ada bbrp temen yg bilang mau dateng, tp trus batal detik-detik terakhir. apropo temen, udah pada lulus aja loh anak-anak angkatan gw di indo. sedangkan gw masih terseok-seok jalan enggan duduk tak mau gini di kampus. gargh! remind me once again why I came to Germany.

udah dulu ah. drpd jd ngedumel, mending gw berhenti trus bikin presentasi buat selasa. smell you later!

tumblethought 6

love is a verb.

that explains why we say i do love you, not i am love you.

passenger seat*

after a really long time, i finally hear chris cendana's voice again tonight. i didnt know who he was, until one of my friends recommended his songs in 2009. and he is literally great. i made some of his songs as soundtracks for some big things happened back then.

his voice has been a really good companion as one of my best friends passed away. and as i was getting to know my bf, his youtube channel was one of our chat topics. then again as my aunt passed away, his song was swimming in my ears for days - or maybe weeks.

and tonight, as the lack of motivation dominates my day and exams seems impossible to passed, i type his name and get what i need : a nice sound of an acoustic guitar, a smooth male voice, a warm smile. those things bring me back on my feet, at least for tonight.


*a song from stephen speaks. covered by chris cendana.

i will not call you tonight

i will not call you tonight.
i will just leave you alone, at peace, in peace.
take your time, dream about me.
if you are lucky, i will be there waiting for you.
i will wait and wait endlessly,
until time passes by and the moon falls asleep in my arms.
i will stare at the star,
and make a wish to the brightest one.
he will whisper my wish to the sky,
my one and only wish.
is to see you, at the end of the milky way.

dear you

merry christmas and happy new year to you,
whom i cant celebrate these things with.

its almost a year already,
and i miss you even more.