Monday, May 27, 2013

everything in life is temporary

so if things are going good, enjoy it because it won't last forever. and if things are going bad, don't worry, it can't last forever either.

I know, those things are easy to say and hard to proof. apalagi kalo hidup rasanya lagi stagnant, ga maju ga mundur. bikin depresi, galau, you name it. barusan satu temen gw nanya, apakah gw pernah ngerasa kesepian selama tahun2 tinggal sendiri disini. of course I do. dan rasa kesepiannya juga beda, ga ketutup sama bercanda atau ketemuan sama temen2 disini. karena ketemuan is a temporary thing. setelah bubar, lo sendirian lagi. dan galaunya balik lagi.

gw ga inget exactly apa aja yg gw lakukan kalo lagi ngerasa sendirian. tapi yg pasti salah satunya sih merenung. literally bengong sendirian dengan back sound dari youtube, mencerna hari2 yg udah lewat, mencoba mengerti apa yg sedang gw lakukan atau alami, sorting things out. planning steps buat hari2 ke depan, sambil berharap bahwa semuanya akan baik2 saja. dan berusaha untuk tetep semangat menjalani hari2 yg rasanya sangat2 boring, kuliah yg ga selesai2, etc.

merenung ga selalu langsung membuat gw feel better, cuma at least dengan cara itu gw bisa balik ke diri sendiri. berinteraksi sama hati dan otak, menyisihkan quality time buat inner peace atau apapun itu namanya. dan seringkali, walopun ga disadari, I did feel better. karena kadang kita lupa bahwa hidup itu ga sekedar tampak luar aja. ga sekedar kerja keras, banting tulang dan meres keringat, but also about appreciating little things. little things that makes you thankful for life that given to you and makes you happy, inside out.

Monday, April 15, 2013

april wish

three names, 16 letters, one single person.

brought by a friend by accident,
stayed for a while on purpose,
left with a question mark.

three names, 16 letters, one single person.

live your life as you want it to be,
define your dream into a real physical thing,
make me wonder how.

three names, 16 letters, one single person.

brought back by a question mark,
stayed as a question mark,
left as a much bigger one.

and here I am,
standing, starring, thinking,
what if.

Monday, February 11, 2013


after 2 days of mourning, the miracle came.

I made it.
wait. well, God made it happen.

Tuesday, February 5, 2013


dear God,

at this moment, I am trying to pray to you with all my heart. I may not have any good words or beautiful sentences to be presented to you, but at least I know I want to talk to you.

I never thought studying medicine would be this hard. sometimes I am not sure if I could make it till the finish line, but I know that this is what I really want. and I believe you are staying with me all the time, guiding me through every step, watching over me and blessing me unconditionally. so God, if this path should be difficult, I beg you not to leave me alone. lead my way, show me your light, because I can't do it by myself. I need your help, have mercy on me.

I failed my exam on Friday, I can't write Physikum this semester. I am down and very sad. I feel really ashamed with myself. I failed to make my family happy. and the most important thing, I failed my mother. I failed to make her proud of me. I was scared to tell her the truth - that I failed this exam just because of one stupid point. but then this evening I know, her love to me is just like yours - it's unconditionally.

she told me that it's okay to feel sad for some moment, but I also have to bounce back. that she loves me no matter what and she's proud of me. and she knew that I have done my best and she believed that you did the rest. so whatever the result is, that would be the best. maybe not the best as we like it to be, but the best you could give us for now. she also told me not to blame myself and over all not to blame you, which was a very hard thing to do, because I did blame you a little bit. this is so not fair, I learned so hard for this exam, I prayed to you all the time, I asked for your guidance, but why did it seem like you didn't even hear me?

you were there and you knew what happened after that. she said I may not blame you, because you are the God and we are just the servant. be it done to us according to thy words. if you said it wasn't the time, then it wasn't the time. your time is perfect and blessings will be given to us according to your plan. all we need to do is believe. and never stop praying. not only if we had something to wish for but also in a situation like this. to be thankfull because this makes us come back to you. bahwa dalam keadaan yg tidak menyenangkan seperti ini, kamu masih bisa memuliakan nama Tuhan. be thankfull for that.

so God, I am sorry for blaming you. and I am really thankfull to have a mother like mine. without you, I would not stand where I am now. and without my mother, I would not be the person I am now.


Friday, April 20, 2012

some something

its just like there is an unfinished business between us. we barely talk to each other anymore since that day. we never see each other as well. you live your life and i live mine. are you happy with your life? because i am - i really am. are you better off without me? i couldn't really remember why we ended up this way. its a pity. i honestly just wanna make peace with myself. and with you. 

(some night, some place, some time)

i sometimes imagine how life would be if i had you in my life. would it be better? would i be happier? and with you by my side, would life be easier? or would it be too complicated for both of us? what do you feel? what do you think? don't tell me, i think i know the answer - at this very moment, i have the best i ever had. and i couldn't ask for more.

(some feeling at some evening in a pouring rain) 

are you real? are you a permanent thing? or just some temporarily regulars? you don't have the answer and i don't either because nobody knows. all we know is that we are happy about the way things are, about the summer that will come very soon. its simple, its easy - just like a cup of coffee outside a cafe on a sunny day. and with you, i know what i wanna be : be better for any sake.

(seem to be a conclusion)