05.02.13

dear God,

at this moment, I am trying to pray to you with all my heart. I may not have any good words or beautiful sentences to be presented to you, but at least I know I want to talk to you.

I never thought studying medicine would be this hard. sometimes I am not sure if I could make it till the finish line, but I know that this is what I really want. and I believe you are staying with me all the time, guiding me through every step, watching over me and blessing me unconditionally. so God, if this path should be difficult, I beg you not to leave me alone. lead my way, show me your light, because I can't do it by myself. I need your help, have mercy on me.

I failed my exam on Friday, I can't write Physikum this semester. I am down and very sad. I feel really ashamed with myself. I failed to make my family happy. and the most important thing, I failed my mother. I failed to make her proud of me. I was scared to tell her the truth - that I failed this exam just because of one stupid point. but then this evening I know, her love to me is just like yours - it's unconditionally.

she told me that it's okay to feel sad for some moment, but I also have to bounce back. that she loves me no matter what and she's proud of me. and she knew that I have done my best and she believed that you did the rest. so whatever the result is, that would be the best. maybe not the best as we like it to be, but the best you could give us for now. she also told me not to blame myself and over all not to blame you, which was a very hard thing to do, because I did blame you a little bit. this is so not fair, I learned so hard for this exam, I prayed to you all the time, I asked for your guidance, but why did it seem like you didn't even hear me?

you were there and you knew what happened after that. she said I may not blame you, because you are the God and we are just the servant. be it done to us according to thy words. if you said it wasn't the time, then it wasn't the time. your time is perfect and blessings will be given to us according to your plan. all we need to do is believe. and never stop praying. not only if we had something to wish for but also in a situation like this. to be thankfull because this makes us come back to you. bahwa dalam keadaan yg tidak menyenangkan seperti ini, kamu masih bisa memuliakan nama Tuhan. be thankfull for that.

so God, I am sorry for blaming you. and I am really thankfull to have a mother like mine. without you, I would not stand where I am now. and without my mother, I would not be the person I am now.

Amen.