saya, dia, kamu

saya tidak tahu. sungguh tidak mau tahu.
tapi saya rasa saya harus tahu. mau apa kamu?
kenapa kamu seperti itu? mau apa kamu?
mau tidak mau saya mencari tahu.

siapa kamu?
mau apa kamu?
kenapa kamu begitu?
yang lalu biar berlalu.

saya lelah. ingin menyerah kalah.
tak mau lagi menahan amarah.
penasaran saya seperti arwah.
timbul tenggelam tanpa arah.

kamu cuma bungkam.
yang berkata hanya diam.
mata hati saya biarkan terpejam.
sungguh saya ingin tenggelam.

siapa kamu?
dan kenapa harus kamu?
terlalu singkatkah saya kenal kamu?
atau saya yang selama ini tidak tahu?

logika bilang tinggalkan.
hati bilang jangan dan terus tahan.
apa yang harus saya katakan?
mau kembali sendirian?

lagu yang berdendang.
kata kata yang mengambang.
perasaan ada di simpang.
dan saya mengenang.

cerita itu.
lepas tawa dan tangis sendu.
terbungkus waktu terbawa laju.
itu yang saya tahu.

tapi bagaimana dengan dia?
dengan setumpuk janji dan segenggam cerita?
dengan sebuah buku yang belum ada akhirnya?
apa dia sudah menerima?

lalu kenapa dia begitu?
tahu dia itu buat saya pilu?
lidah saya kelu.
emosi terbawa tanpa perlu.

tahu dia siapa saya?
kalau tidak tahu tanya saja.
saya bersedia bertemu dengannya.
tatap mata saya dan katakan semuanya.

siapa saya untuk kamu?
siapa dia bagi kamu?
kisah yang sudah lalu?
atau bekas teman bercumbu?

A to Z

i suck at LDR. even the fake one. nope, i wasn't born for that thing.

i'm tired, i'm bored. i used too much heart instead of brain. i know it shouldn't be that way, but as i said, i suck at LDR, i gave up way too quick. i can't trust things i don't see. jealousy is my middle name, stubborn my last name. i'm sceptical.

i get very angry because of the smallest mistake. people can hardly make me laugh. even a single smile took a huge effort. i lost weight. i'm an egoist. the candy is mine. i made a very clear and very neat boundary around it.

i was born with a high dignity. i don't think i need help. i know if i would, i can do almost everything by myself. i'm a leo born as a snake. i have powers, i'm tricky. i know exactly how to act or how long i should wait. i could kill you easily, but also let you slowly die in pain. i know how to rule.

but sadly. i don't know what i'm talking about.

but

you are very nice, but..


yeah, doesnt matter how great things are, there will always be a but.

happy belated birthday, stella

i called my mom today, we talked for like 3 hours. we laughed, we shared, we thought about each other. and at this very point, im thinking to myself : am i asking too much from her? am i doing any good for her lately? am i mature enough now? am i getting better day by day? well im not sure. sometimes i feel like im stuck in my body. im just getting old, but not getting mature. i still get lost, i still need advice, i obviously need a trashbin for my stories every week. i need her, indeed.

well its not a mother's day. but once again, thank you for gaving me birth, mom. thank you for raising me until today. thank you for being such a great mother. thank you for your patience and love. sorry i cant ever pay you back. but i love you. so much.


your one and only daughter,
stella

stuffs

yes, insomnia is my best friend since last week.
yes, summer is over.
damn!

sommerferien strated from july 12th and in these 2 weeks i was working, making a tagesfamulatur at marburg, searching for a new flat, working and working again. i work like a stupid cow. everytime i went home my hands ached, my feet felt like a melting cheese and i smelled like milk and flour. what a perfect combination!

fyi i passed all my exams, quite happy with the result. not sure to do a pflegepraktikum this holiday, seems like im not in the mood. found a cute flat in mainz kastel. its not in rheinland pfalz anymore, its in hessen. ab dem 1.9. ziehe ich aus dem keller aus. hallo dachgeschoss, tschüss funkloch! nie wiedersehen!

am thinking for the million times to make an EU driving license. but somehow too lazy to walk down the street and ask. and too scared to hear the price ;) just randomly made a shopping list at ikea.de, knowing that i wont have desk and bed in kastel. impulsively added a nice carpet onto the list. it looks good though, 90x200 cm cotton carpet with navy blue - white stripes just for 10 euro!

kinda miss home lately. and even worse to know the guy is going home without me. too bad. gonna be alone for straight 6 weeks. bloody emirates, why do u have to be so expensive ?! bloody häagen dazs for taking stupid new employees these days. and for God's sake, give me more sunshine, please. its july and its raining cats and dogs here!

its 4 am in the morning and im fully awake. seriously, what is wrong with me.