06.11.10

dear all,


this isnt any particular post, just me an my thoughts lately. life is full with unanswered questions, unfinished tasks, undescribable facts. life is uncertain. just this one : death is the only certain thing in the whole life. and u'll never know whom, why, where, when and how exactly it happens.

dan ketika kenyataan tentang kehilangan itu datang begitu dekat dengan hidup kita, kita baru akan menyadari bahwa hidup orang² di sekitar kita, siapapun orang itu, seperti apa orang itu ketika masih hidup, dan apa saja yg sudah dia lakukan selama hidupnya, ada maksud dan tujuannya baik secara langsung ataupun tidak.

ga ada satu orangpun yg bisa lolos dari kematian. ga peduli suka ato ga, siap ato ga, ketika waktunya tiba, u have to take off. forever and no turning back. u got a life and it is once. seize the day. live fully, live happily, live willingly. dan sebagai orang yg ditinggalkan, pelan² kita belajar tentang arti kehilangan. tell them, tell the people how much u love them each and every day. learn to forgive and forget. try to understand then let go.

we knew exactly how it feels. u'll never be alone cuz we'll be there. and we love u.


yours, stella

saya, dia, kamu

saya tidak tahu. sungguh tidak mau tahu.
tapi saya rasa saya harus tahu. mau apa kamu?
kenapa kamu seperti itu? mau apa kamu?
mau tidak mau saya mencari tahu.

siapa kamu?
mau apa kamu?
kenapa kamu begitu?
yang lalu biar berlalu.

saya lelah. ingin menyerah kalah.
tak mau lagi menahan amarah.
penasaran saya seperti arwah.
timbul tenggelam tanpa arah.

kamu cuma bungkam.
yang berkata hanya diam.
mata hati saya biarkan terpejam.
sungguh saya ingin tenggelam.

siapa kamu?
dan kenapa harus kamu?
terlalu singkatkah saya kenal kamu?
atau saya yang selama ini tidak tahu?

logika bilang tinggalkan.
hati bilang jangan dan terus tahan.
apa yang harus saya katakan?
mau kembali sendirian?

lagu yang berdendang.
kata kata yang mengambang.
perasaan ada di simpang.
dan saya mengenang.

cerita itu.
lepas tawa dan tangis sendu.
terbungkus waktu terbawa laju.
itu yang saya tahu.

tapi bagaimana dengan dia?
dengan setumpuk janji dan segenggam cerita?
dengan sebuah buku yang belum ada akhirnya?
apa dia sudah menerima?

lalu kenapa dia begitu?
tahu dia itu buat saya pilu?
lidah saya kelu.
emosi terbawa tanpa perlu.

tahu dia siapa saya?
kalau tidak tahu tanya saja.
saya bersedia bertemu dengannya.
tatap mata saya dan katakan semuanya.

siapa saya untuk kamu?
siapa dia bagi kamu?
kisah yang sudah lalu?
atau bekas teman bercumbu?

A to Z

i suck at LDR. even the fake one. nope, i wasn't born for that thing.

i'm tired, i'm bored. i used too much heart instead of brain. i know it shouldn't be that way, but as i said, i suck at LDR, i gave up way too quick. i can't trust things i don't see. jealousy is my middle name, stubborn my last name. i'm sceptical.

i get very angry because of the smallest mistake. people can hardly make me laugh. even a single smile took a huge effort. i lost weight. i'm an egoist. the candy is mine. i made a very clear and very neat boundary around it.

i was born with a high dignity. i don't think i need help. i know if i would, i can do almost everything by myself. i'm a leo born as a snake. i have powers, i'm tricky. i know exactly how to act or how long i should wait. i could kill you easily, but also let you slowly die in pain. i know how to rule.

but sadly. i don't know what i'm talking about.

but

you are very nice, but..


yeah, doesnt matter how great things are, there will always be a but.

happy belated birthday, stella

i called my mom today, we talked for like 3 hours. we laughed, we shared, we thought about each other. and at this very point, im thinking to myself : am i asking too much from her? am i doing any good for her lately? am i mature enough now? am i getting better day by day? well im not sure. sometimes i feel like im stuck in my body. im just getting old, but not getting mature. i still get lost, i still need advice, i obviously need a trashbin for my stories every week. i need her, indeed.

well its not a mother's day. but once again, thank you for gaving me birth, mom. thank you for raising me until today. thank you for being such a great mother. thank you for your patience and love. sorry i cant ever pay you back. but i love you. so much.


your one and only daughter,
stella