so if things are going good, enjoy it because it won't last forever. and if things are going bad, don't worry, it can't last forever either.
I know, those things are easy to say and hard to proof. apalagi kalo hidup rasanya lagi stagnant, ga maju ga mundur. bikin depresi, galau, you name it. barusan satu temen gw nanya, apakah gw pernah ngerasa kesepian selama tahun2 tinggal sendiri disini. of course I do. dan rasa kesepiannya juga beda, ga ketutup sama bercanda atau ketemuan sama temen2 disini. karena ketemuan is a temporary thing. setelah bubar, lo sendirian lagi. dan galaunya balik lagi.
gw ga inget exactly apa aja yg gw lakukan kalo lagi ngerasa sendirian. tapi yg pasti salah satunya sih merenung. literally bengong sendirian dengan back sound dari youtube, mencerna hari2 yg udah lewat, mencoba mengerti apa yg sedang gw lakukan atau alami, sorting things out. planning steps buat hari2 ke depan, sambil berharap bahwa semuanya akan baik2 saja. dan berusaha untuk tetep semangat menjalani hari2 yg rasanya sangat2 boring, kuliah yg ga selesai2, etc.
merenung ga selalu langsung membuat gw feel better, cuma at least dengan cara itu gw bisa balik ke diri sendiri. berinteraksi sama hati dan otak, menyisihkan quality time buat inner peace atau apapun itu namanya. dan seringkali, walopun ga disadari, I did feel better. karena kadang kita lupa bahwa hidup itu ga sekedar tampak luar aja. ga sekedar kerja keras, banting tulang dan meres keringat, but also about appreciating little things. little things that makes you thankful for life that given to you and makes you happy, inside out.
Monday, May 27, 2013
Monday, April 15, 2013
april wish
you.
three names, 16 letters, one single person.
brought by a friend by accident,
stayed for a while on purpose,
left with a question mark.
you.
three names, 16 letters, one single person.
live your life as you want it to be,
define your dream into a real physical thing,
make me wonder how.
you.
three names, 16 letters, one single person.
brought back by a question mark,
stayed as a question mark,
left as a much bigger one.
and here I am,
standing, starring, thinking,
what if.
three names, 16 letters, one single person.
brought by a friend by accident,
stayed for a while on purpose,
left with a question mark.
you.
three names, 16 letters, one single person.
live your life as you want it to be,
define your dream into a real physical thing,
make me wonder how.
you.
three names, 16 letters, one single person.
brought back by a question mark,
stayed as a question mark,
left as a much bigger one.
and here I am,
standing, starring, thinking,
what if.
Monday, February 11, 2013
Tuesday, February 5, 2013
05.02.13
dear God,
at this moment, I am trying to pray to you with all my heart. I may not have any good words or beautiful sentences to be presented to you, but at least I know I want to talk to you.
I never thought studying medicine would be this hard. sometimes I am not sure if I could make it till the finish line, but I know that this is what I really want. and I believe you are staying with me all the time, guiding me through every step, watching over me and blessing me unconditionally. so God, if this path should be difficult, I beg you not to leave me alone. lead my way, show me your light, because I can't do it by myself. I need your help, have mercy on me.
I failed my exam on Friday, I can't write Physikum this semester. I am down and very sad. I feel really ashamed with myself. I failed to make my family happy. and the most important thing, I failed my mother. I failed to make her proud of me. I was scared to tell her the truth - that I failed this exam just because of one stupid point. but then this evening I know, her love to me is just like yours - it's unconditionally.
she told me that it's okay to feel sad for some moment, but I also have to bounce back. that she loves me no matter what and she's proud of me. and she knew that I have done my best and she believed that you did the rest. so whatever the result is, that would be the best. maybe not the best as we like it to be, but the best you could give us for now. she also told me not to blame myself and over all not to blame you, which was a very hard thing to do, because I did blame you a little bit. this is so not fair, I learned so hard for this exam, I prayed to you all the time, I asked for your guidance, but why did it seem like you didn't even hear me?
you were there and you knew what happened after that. she said I may not blame you, because you are the God and we are just the servant. be it done to us according to thy words. if you said it wasn't the time, then it wasn't the time. your time is perfect and blessings will be given to us according to your plan. all we need to do is believe. and never stop praying. not only if we had something to wish for but also in a situation like this. to be thankfull because this makes us come back to you. bahwa dalam keadaan yg tidak menyenangkan seperti ini, kamu masih bisa memuliakan nama Tuhan. be thankfull for that.
so God, I am sorry for blaming you. and I am really thankfull to have a mother like mine. without you, I would not stand where I am now. and without my mother, I would not be the person I am now.
Amen.
at this moment, I am trying to pray to you with all my heart. I may not have any good words or beautiful sentences to be presented to you, but at least I know I want to talk to you.
I never thought studying medicine would be this hard. sometimes I am not sure if I could make it till the finish line, but I know that this is what I really want. and I believe you are staying with me all the time, guiding me through every step, watching over me and blessing me unconditionally. so God, if this path should be difficult, I beg you not to leave me alone. lead my way, show me your light, because I can't do it by myself. I need your help, have mercy on me.
I failed my exam on Friday, I can't write Physikum this semester. I am down and very sad. I feel really ashamed with myself. I failed to make my family happy. and the most important thing, I failed my mother. I failed to make her proud of me. I was scared to tell her the truth - that I failed this exam just because of one stupid point. but then this evening I know, her love to me is just like yours - it's unconditionally.
she told me that it's okay to feel sad for some moment, but I also have to bounce back. that she loves me no matter what and she's proud of me. and she knew that I have done my best and she believed that you did the rest. so whatever the result is, that would be the best. maybe not the best as we like it to be, but the best you could give us for now. she also told me not to blame myself and over all not to blame you, which was a very hard thing to do, because I did blame you a little bit. this is so not fair, I learned so hard for this exam, I prayed to you all the time, I asked for your guidance, but why did it seem like you didn't even hear me?
you were there and you knew what happened after that. she said I may not blame you, because you are the God and we are just the servant. be it done to us according to thy words. if you said it wasn't the time, then it wasn't the time. your time is perfect and blessings will be given to us according to your plan. all we need to do is believe. and never stop praying. not only if we had something to wish for but also in a situation like this. to be thankfull because this makes us come back to you. bahwa dalam keadaan yg tidak menyenangkan seperti ini, kamu masih bisa memuliakan nama Tuhan. be thankfull for that.
so God, I am sorry for blaming you. and I am really thankfull to have a mother like mine. without you, I would not stand where I am now. and without my mother, I would not be the person I am now.
Amen.
Friday, April 20, 2012
some something
its just like there is an unfinished business between us. we barely talk to each other anymore since that day. we never see each other as well. you live your life and i live mine. are you happy with your life? because i am - i really am. are you better off without me? i couldn't really remember why we ended up this way. its a pity. i honestly just wanna make peace with myself. and with you.
(some night, some place, some time)
i sometimes imagine how life would be if i had you in my life. would it be better? would i be happier? and with you by my side, would life be easier? or would it be too complicated for both of us? what do you feel? what do you think? don't tell me, i think i know the answer - at this very moment, i have the best i ever had. and i couldn't ask for more.
(some feeling at some evening in a pouring rain)
are you real? are you a permanent thing? or just some temporarily regulars? you don't have the answer and i don't either because nobody knows. all we know is that we are happy about the way things are, about the summer that will come very soon. its simple, its easy - just like a cup of coffee outside a cafe on a sunny day. and with you, i know what i wanna be : be better for any sake.
(seem to be a conclusion)
(some night, some place, some time)
i sometimes imagine how life would be if i had you in my life. would it be better? would i be happier? and with you by my side, would life be easier? or would it be too complicated for both of us? what do you feel? what do you think? don't tell me, i think i know the answer - at this very moment, i have the best i ever had. and i couldn't ask for more.
(some feeling at some evening in a pouring rain)
are you real? are you a permanent thing? or just some temporarily regulars? you don't have the answer and i don't either because nobody knows. all we know is that we are happy about the way things are, about the summer that will come very soon. its simple, its easy - just like a cup of coffee outside a cafe on a sunny day. and with you, i know what i wanna be : be better for any sake.
(seem to be a conclusion)
Sunday, November 20, 2011
tanggal cantik
itu kata hampir semua orang tentang hari ini. gw jamin jalanan Jakarta macet dan semua gedung fully booked karena banyak yg nikahan. dan semua dokter kandungan lembur karena banyak yg lahiran. for me, its just an ordinary day just like every other day. its windy and cloudy, just like it should be in November.
kenapa banyak orang milih tanggal cantik buat nikah dan melahirkan anaknya? they said because its special and easy to remember. but hey. you've been pregnant for 9 months, carrying your baby in your tummy every second in those months, so how could you forget when exactly they were born? my grannie has 6 children, she is 71 years old now and still can remember clearly what day what time her kids were born. whats wrong with mommies nowadays? and hey you newly weds. this is the day when you said I do to each other, followed with sugar sweet promise till death do us part. this is your day for God's sake! impossible to forget unless you are a goldfish who only has a 30 seconds memory. not being cynical here, I just don't get the idea. but that's none of my business anyway.
hmm. gw sih lebih milih punya tanggal cantik buat urusan lain. to take off from this world, for example. lo bisa milih tanggal cantik buat nikah dan melahirkan, tapi lo ga akan pernah bs milih tanggal cantik buat berpulang. kalopun dapet tanggal cantik, paling itu coincidence. orang bisa maksa melahirkan sebelum waktunya demi tanggal cantik, tapi gw yakin ga akan ada orang yg nyopotin selang oksigen keluarganya supaya mereka bs berpulang di tanggal cantik. definisi tanggal cantik disini bukan cm sebatas digit yg berulang or whatsoever. ada banyak hal² lain yg bisa mendefinisikan bahwa tanggal tertentu itu cantik, baik, tepat.
bokap gw berpulang tanggal 15 october 2011. secara kasat mata, ga ada yg istimewa dari tanggal itu. ga cantik, ga ada digit yg berulang. tapi tanggal berpulang bokap cuma selang kira² sebulan dari tanggal ulang tahunnya. tanggal 6 september kemarin, siapa yg mengira kalo dia akan take off bulan depan? gw juga ga menyangka, 1 hari di bulan october tahun lalu akan jadi hari terakhir gw ketemu bokap dalam kondisi masih hidup. ga mengira bahwa kali berikutnya, gw harus menunduk di atas peti dan say goodbye. forever. and he won't talk back to me. anymore.
if you ask me, gw juga gatau kapan tanggal yg cantik, baik dan tepat buat bokap untuk berpulang. tanggal yg cantik, baik dan tepat menurut gw, bukan tanggal yg cantik, baik dan tepat menurut the Chairman. the Chairman has his own timing and its not just good, its perfect.
its okay to pick tanggal cantik as your special date. apapun yg lo lakukan di tanggal cantik, ingat, tanggal itu lo pilih dengan harapan semoga sesuatu yg lo mulai atau lakukan di hari itu bisa berjalan secantik dan sebaik tanggalnya. maybe till the end of time. so don't take it for granted. do your best, seize your day. supaya nanti saat lo harus take off, ga peduli tanggalnya cantik atau ga, you could say to yourself : yes, this really is the perfect time.
kenapa banyak orang milih tanggal cantik buat nikah dan melahirkan anaknya? they said because its special and easy to remember. but hey. you've been pregnant for 9 months, carrying your baby in your tummy every second in those months, so how could you forget when exactly they were born? my grannie has 6 children, she is 71 years old now and still can remember clearly what day what time her kids were born. whats wrong with mommies nowadays? and hey you newly weds. this is the day when you said I do to each other, followed with sugar sweet promise till death do us part. this is your day for God's sake! impossible to forget unless you are a goldfish who only has a 30 seconds memory. not being cynical here, I just don't get the idea. but that's none of my business anyway.
hmm. gw sih lebih milih punya tanggal cantik buat urusan lain. to take off from this world, for example. lo bisa milih tanggal cantik buat nikah dan melahirkan, tapi lo ga akan pernah bs milih tanggal cantik buat berpulang. kalopun dapet tanggal cantik, paling itu coincidence. orang bisa maksa melahirkan sebelum waktunya demi tanggal cantik, tapi gw yakin ga akan ada orang yg nyopotin selang oksigen keluarganya supaya mereka bs berpulang di tanggal cantik. definisi tanggal cantik disini bukan cm sebatas digit yg berulang or whatsoever. ada banyak hal² lain yg bisa mendefinisikan bahwa tanggal tertentu itu cantik, baik, tepat.
bokap gw berpulang tanggal 15 october 2011. secara kasat mata, ga ada yg istimewa dari tanggal itu. ga cantik, ga ada digit yg berulang. tapi tanggal berpulang bokap cuma selang kira² sebulan dari tanggal ulang tahunnya. tanggal 6 september kemarin, siapa yg mengira kalo dia akan take off bulan depan? gw juga ga menyangka, 1 hari di bulan october tahun lalu akan jadi hari terakhir gw ketemu bokap dalam kondisi masih hidup. ga mengira bahwa kali berikutnya, gw harus menunduk di atas peti dan say goodbye. forever. and he won't talk back to me. anymore.
if you ask me, gw juga gatau kapan tanggal yg cantik, baik dan tepat buat bokap untuk berpulang. tanggal yg cantik, baik dan tepat menurut gw, bukan tanggal yg cantik, baik dan tepat menurut the Chairman. the Chairman has his own timing and its not just good, its perfect.
its okay to pick tanggal cantik as your special date. apapun yg lo lakukan di tanggal cantik, ingat, tanggal itu lo pilih dengan harapan semoga sesuatu yg lo mulai atau lakukan di hari itu bisa berjalan secantik dan sebaik tanggalnya. maybe till the end of time. so don't take it for granted. do your best, seize your day. supaya nanti saat lo harus take off, ga peduli tanggalnya cantik atau ga, you could say to yourself : yes, this really is the perfect time.
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
message in the bottle
dear you,
let me tell you something. no, its not something big or extraordinary.
i just want to tell you i love him. but i also love her.
i dont know whom i love more, i dont think i have to know.
its just, you know.
people say you cant love two persons at the same time. you have to choose.
i love her since the first time we met. i cant live without her.
we have a very strong bond between us. she knows every single thing about me, she knows me really well.
and i love him since the first time we talked to each other. he literally got me.
my very best friend and companion. we have lots of things in common.
and i know that you know.
if you ask me to choose one of them, you know i cant.
you know its not an easy thing to do.
you cant just choose one and leave the other one stranded by the sidewalk.
there are feelings between you and them. feelings, memories, stories, tons of them.
you know i cant. yet.
let me tell you something. no, its not something big or extraordinary.
i just want to tell you i love him. but i also love her.
i dont know whom i love more, i dont think i have to know.
its just, you know.
people say you cant love two persons at the same time. you have to choose.
i love her since the first time we met. i cant live without her.
we have a very strong bond between us. she knows every single thing about me, she knows me really well.
and i love him since the first time we talked to each other. he literally got me.
my very best friend and companion. we have lots of things in common.
and i know that you know.
if you ask me to choose one of them, you know i cant.
you know its not an easy thing to do.
you cant just choose one and leave the other one stranded by the sidewalk.
there are feelings between you and them. feelings, memories, stories, tons of them.
you know i cant. yet.
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
prayer of the night
Good God,
please hold my hand, teach me Your way, lead me on Your path.
Let me be a blessing for my Mom.
Let me be her happiness, let me be one of the reason she's thanking You for.
Because she is the most reasonable reason I'm thanking You for.
Only in Your palm I lay my present, my future and my whole life.
Amen.
please hold my hand, teach me Your way, lead me on Your path.
Let me be a blessing for my Mom.
Let me be her happiness, let me be one of the reason she's thanking You for.
Because she is the most reasonable reason I'm thanking You for.
Only in Your palm I lay my present, my future and my whole life.
Amen.
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
i have the best mom in the world!
4 minggu. 28 hari. 672 jam.
selama itu nykp dateng dan nemenin gw disini. 2 di 4 minggu itu jg grannies gw ada disini. thanks for coming, loves. thank you for being a very sweet part of my holiday. i miss you all already *sniff* there wont be any review about those weeks. not that they werent interesting, just because its too sweet to remember i have to cry a little if i talk about it. *i even shed some tears as i type*
all i can say is, i have the best mom in the world. and my mom has the best mom in the world, so i have the best grandma in the world. we all have the best moms in the world. sebawel apapun, se-banyak-aturan apapun, seribet apapun mereka, sampe² kita ngerasa kaya anak kecil umur 5 lg saat sama mereka, trust me, setelah kebawelan itu berubah jd sepi, setelah lo lagi² sendirian di rmh lo, you'll miss it. A LOT. i am still missing my mom so bad, every morning i wake up i walk straight in the kitchen, hoping to see her there cooking. after she left on sunday, i cried in the airport restroom, in the train back home, on my bed until i fell asleep, on monday morning soon after i woke up.
i know, i know all these words sound hyper. but maybe you will get what i mean if you were the only child who lives for years with only your mom (eventhough you also have a father). who shares every single thing, goes almost everywhere and sleeps in the same room with her for more than just one decade. or maybe if you were, you still cant get it. but its okay, i dont care. i have the best mom in the world, i am proud of her and really thankful to have her in my life.
love you, Mom!
selama itu nykp dateng dan nemenin gw disini. 2 di 4 minggu itu jg grannies gw ada disini. thanks for coming, loves. thank you for being a very sweet part of my holiday. i miss you all already *sniff* there wont be any review about those weeks. not that they werent interesting, just because its too sweet to remember i have to cry a little if i talk about it. *i even shed some tears as i type*
all i can say is, i have the best mom in the world. and my mom has the best mom in the world, so i have the best grandma in the world. we all have the best moms in the world. sebawel apapun, se-banyak-aturan apapun, seribet apapun mereka, sampe² kita ngerasa kaya anak kecil umur 5 lg saat sama mereka, trust me, setelah kebawelan itu berubah jd sepi, setelah lo lagi² sendirian di rmh lo, you'll miss it. A LOT. i am still missing my mom so bad, every morning i wake up i walk straight in the kitchen, hoping to see her there cooking. after she left on sunday, i cried in the airport restroom, in the train back home, on my bed until i fell asleep, on monday morning soon after i woke up.
i know, i know all these words sound hyper. but maybe you will get what i mean if you were the only child who lives for years with only your mom (eventhough you also have a father). who shares every single thing, goes almost everywhere and sleeps in the same room with her for more than just one decade. or maybe if you were, you still cant get it. but its okay, i dont care. i have the best mom in the world, i am proud of her and really thankful to have her in my life.
love you, Mom!
Friday, July 22, 2011
same date, another month
och nee. lagi² gw menelantarkan blog gw selama sebulan *geleng geleng kepala* tut mir leid, schätzchen!
oh yes, semester ini beneran berhak dapet penghargaan the suckest semester ever. i feel like a zombie all the time, i still feel like a zombie at this very moment. i gained weight, i lost weight, i lost height - oh wait. you are genetically short, stella. you didn't lose height. i didn't sleep well, my eyes ache everytime they see sunshine through the window. i have been jogging for only 3 times in 3 months, how healthy was that. really have to start jogging every weekend.
and yes, tetangga serumah gw mau pindah. sie hat kein bock mehr auf dachwohnung, so hat sie erzählt. hari minggu nanti ada 1 org yg mau dtg liat kamar. please God, lass es gut gehen! dan cuaca belakangan, you gotta be kidding me! mendung - cerah - gerimis - terik - ujan deres - pengap - mendung sampe bsk subuh. efeknya adalah minggu ini gw ga kerja samasekali. ok now it seems like hari ini gw blogging untuk melampiaskan uneg² yg udah mulai busuk saking disimpen kelamaan. yaudalahya, sekali-kali nyampah di blog sendiri gapapa kan, drpd nyampah di blog org *loh*
seriously. i deserve a long, nice, sunny -not rainy- summer holiday.
oh yes, semester ini beneran berhak dapet penghargaan the suckest semester ever. i feel like a zombie all the time, i still feel like a zombie at this very moment. i gained weight, i lost weight, i lost height - oh wait. you are genetically short, stella. you didn't lose height. i didn't sleep well, my eyes ache everytime they see sunshine through the window. i have been jogging for only 3 times in 3 months, how healthy was that. really have to start jogging every weekend.
and yes, tetangga serumah gw mau pindah. sie hat kein bock mehr auf dachwohnung, so hat sie erzählt. hari minggu nanti ada 1 org yg mau dtg liat kamar. please God, lass es gut gehen! dan cuaca belakangan, you gotta be kidding me! mendung - cerah - gerimis - terik - ujan deres - pengap - mendung sampe bsk subuh. efeknya adalah minggu ini gw ga kerja samasekali. ok now it seems like hari ini gw blogging untuk melampiaskan uneg² yg udah mulai busuk saking disimpen kelamaan. yaudalahya, sekali-kali nyampah di blog sendiri gapapa kan, drpd nyampah di blog org *loh*
seriously. i deserve a long, nice, sunny -not rainy- summer holiday.
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
yuhuu!
posting terakhir gw tercatat tanggal 16 maret, means udah 3 bln yg lalu *uh-oh*
what happened in 3 months? well ga banyak sih. nyelesain praktikum di rmh sakit, trus mulai kuliah lagi dr tanggal 18 april, mulai kerja lagi dr tanggal 2 mei, ujian berderet setiap 2 minggu, sakit dan *alasan paling klasik* ga sempet blogging. gimana mau ngeblog kalo senin rabu kerja, selasa kamis jumat kuliah, sabtu spoiling-myself-time dan minggu belajar? kalo kata orang jawa : duh Gustiii... itu pun ga selalu berjalan sesuai schedule. kadang spoiling-myself-time-nya kebablasan sampe minggu, kadang belajar hari minggu aja ga cukup, jd unter der woche nongkrong di bibliothek sampe jam 9an, mal so, mal so.
sepertinya boleh jg dibilang kalo semester ini adalah semester paling statis selama gw kuliah. ga ngerasain libur winter (karena mondok di rmh sakit 60 hari), ga ngerasain free weekend (karena ujian ngantri per 2 minggu) dan jarang ngerasain matahari (karena cuacanya labil kayak anak ABG : ujan-panas-ujan-panas). gw rasanya kayak megap-megap sepanjang jalan. plus ngurusin 1 hal yg cukup menyita banyak waktu dan pikiran. untung sekarang udah mulai keliatan titik terangnya, kalo ga gw bs gantung diri di pohon toge.
oya, rumah gw sempet bocor jg waktu itu. iya, ga salah baca, di jerman jg ada kok rumah bocor. apalagi kalo rumah lo lantai 4 dan adanya pas dibawah genteng kayak rumah gw. disini rumah bawah genteng namanya dachgeschoss, artinya langit-langit rumah lo ga lurus horizontal kayak yg biasa di indonesia, tapi miring ngikutin genteng. enaknya adalah lo ga bakal diintipin sama tetangga (karena uda paling tinggi, jd yg bs ngintipin lo cuma burung), ga enaknya adalah jendela kamar lo juga ikut miring kayak genteng ngadep ke langit. nah di bulan-bulan sekarang ini matahari udah terbit dari jam 5, means egal gw pasang weker jam berapapun, jam 5 gw pasti mendusin karena sinar mataharinya kena langsung ke muka gw gara-gara jendela miring. dang! btw mau cerita rumah bocor aja kok ngalor ngidul. yaa intinya tembok kamar gw sempet basah dan benjol-bejol keluar karena kena rembesan air, tp terus udah dibenerin sm vermieternya.
taun lalu rencana ke budapest gagal karena a) pas summer gw kerja kayak orang kalap terus pulang indo b) pas winter gw ga punya budget dan waktu buat travelling, jadi gw natalan di Nürnberg bareng pacar dan temen SD. summer taun ini pun kayaknya ga kemana-mana. tadinya udah seneng karena ada bbrp temen yg bilang mau dateng, tp trus batal detik-detik terakhir. apropo temen, udah pada lulus aja loh anak-anak angkatan gw di indo. sedangkan gw masih terseok-seok jalan enggan duduk tak mau gini di kampus. gargh! remind me once again why I came to Germany.
udah dulu ah. drpd jd ngedumel, mending gw berhenti trus bikin presentasi buat selasa. smell you later!
what happened in 3 months? well ga banyak sih. nyelesain praktikum di rmh sakit, trus mulai kuliah lagi dr tanggal 18 april, mulai kerja lagi dr tanggal 2 mei, ujian berderet setiap 2 minggu, sakit dan *alasan paling klasik* ga sempet blogging. gimana mau ngeblog kalo senin rabu kerja, selasa kamis jumat kuliah, sabtu spoiling-myself-time dan minggu belajar? kalo kata orang jawa : duh Gustiii... itu pun ga selalu berjalan sesuai schedule. kadang spoiling-myself-time-nya kebablasan sampe minggu, kadang belajar hari minggu aja ga cukup, jd unter der woche nongkrong di bibliothek sampe jam 9an, mal so, mal so.
sepertinya boleh jg dibilang kalo semester ini adalah semester paling statis selama gw kuliah. ga ngerasain libur winter (karena mondok di rmh sakit 60 hari), ga ngerasain free weekend (karena ujian ngantri per 2 minggu) dan jarang ngerasain matahari (karena cuacanya labil kayak anak ABG : ujan-panas-ujan-panas). gw rasanya kayak megap-megap sepanjang jalan. plus ngurusin 1 hal yg cukup menyita banyak waktu dan pikiran. untung sekarang udah mulai keliatan titik terangnya, kalo ga gw bs gantung diri di pohon toge.
oya, rumah gw sempet bocor jg waktu itu. iya, ga salah baca, di jerman jg ada kok rumah bocor. apalagi kalo rumah lo lantai 4 dan adanya pas dibawah genteng kayak rumah gw. disini rumah bawah genteng namanya dachgeschoss, artinya langit-langit rumah lo ga lurus horizontal kayak yg biasa di indonesia, tapi miring ngikutin genteng. enaknya adalah lo ga bakal diintipin sama tetangga (karena uda paling tinggi, jd yg bs ngintipin lo cuma burung), ga enaknya adalah jendela kamar lo juga ikut miring kayak genteng ngadep ke langit. nah di bulan-bulan sekarang ini matahari udah terbit dari jam 5, means egal gw pasang weker jam berapapun, jam 5 gw pasti mendusin karena sinar mataharinya kena langsung ke muka gw gara-gara jendela miring. dang! btw mau cerita rumah bocor aja kok ngalor ngidul. yaa intinya tembok kamar gw sempet basah dan benjol-bejol keluar karena kena rembesan air, tp terus udah dibenerin sm vermieternya.
taun lalu rencana ke budapest gagal karena a) pas summer gw kerja kayak orang kalap terus pulang indo b) pas winter gw ga punya budget dan waktu buat travelling, jadi gw natalan di Nürnberg bareng pacar dan temen SD. summer taun ini pun kayaknya ga kemana-mana. tadinya udah seneng karena ada bbrp temen yg bilang mau dateng, tp trus batal detik-detik terakhir. apropo temen, udah pada lulus aja loh anak-anak angkatan gw di indo. sedangkan gw masih terseok-seok jalan enggan duduk tak mau gini di kampus. gargh! remind me once again why I came to Germany.
udah dulu ah. drpd jd ngedumel, mending gw berhenti trus bikin presentasi buat selasa. smell you later!
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Sunday, January 30, 2011
passenger seat*
after a really long time, i finally hear chris cendana's voice again tonight. i didnt know who he was, until one of my friends recommended his songs in 2009. and he is literally great. i made some of his songs as soundtracks for some big things happened back then.
his voice has been a really good companion as one of my best friends passed away. and as i was getting to know my bf, his youtube channel was one of our chat topics. then again as my aunt passed away, his song was swimming in my ears for days - or maybe weeks.
and tonight, as the lack of motivation dominates my day and exams seems impossible to passed, i type his name and get what i need : a nice sound of an acoustic guitar, a smooth male voice, a warm smile. those things bring me back on my feet, at least for tonight.
*a song from stephen speaks. covered by chris cendana.
his voice has been a really good companion as one of my best friends passed away. and as i was getting to know my bf, his youtube channel was one of our chat topics. then again as my aunt passed away, his song was swimming in my ears for days - or maybe weeks.
and tonight, as the lack of motivation dominates my day and exams seems impossible to passed, i type his name and get what i need : a nice sound of an acoustic guitar, a smooth male voice, a warm smile. those things bring me back on my feet, at least for tonight.
*a song from stephen speaks. covered by chris cendana.
Thursday, January 27, 2011
i will not call you tonight
i will not call you tonight.
i will just leave you alone, at peace, in peace.
take your time, dream about me.
if you are lucky, i will be there waiting for you.
i will wait and wait endlessly,
until time passes by and the moon falls asleep in my arms.
i will stare at the star,
and make a wish to the brightest one.
he will whisper my wish to the sky,
my one and only wish.
is to see you, at the end of the milky way.
i will just leave you alone, at peace, in peace.
take your time, dream about me.
if you are lucky, i will be there waiting for you.
i will wait and wait endlessly,
until time passes by and the moon falls asleep in my arms.
i will stare at the star,
and make a wish to the brightest one.
he will whisper my wish to the sky,
my one and only wish.
is to see you, at the end of the milky way.
Sunday, January 2, 2011
dear you
merry christmas and happy new year to you,
whom i cant celebrate these things with.
its almost a year already,
and i miss you even more.
whom i cant celebrate these things with.
its almost a year already,
and i miss you even more.
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
cita-cita
waktu masih kecil, kita suka ditanya : nanti kalo uda gede mau jadi apa? jawaban yg keluar macem², ada yg pgn jd arsitek, pengusaha, dokter, ibu rumah tangga, wartawan, etc etc. pokoknya semua hal yg kedengerannya keren, pgn dijadiin cita². yg kita gatau adlh jalan menuju kesana itu ga gampang.
as time goes by, jawaban yg keluar dr mulut anak kecil itu ga selalu jadi kenyataan. ada yg awalnya pgn jd wartawan dan nyasar ke fakultas teknik fisika. ada jg yg dulu blg pgn jd guru musik tp skr kuliah kedokteran. gw sendiri ga inget dulu pgn jd apa, rasanya gw ga pernah ngasih jawaban khusus. dan kenyataan bahwa skr gw duduk di semester 3 kadang suka bikin gw mikir. apa ini yg gw mau?
nein, gw ga meragukan jurusan kuliah gw skr. ga ada yg maksa gw untuk itu dan gw menjalani kuliah dgn sepenuh hati. tp seinget gw, waktu kecil jawaban mau jadi dokter ga pernah keluar dr mulut gw. gw sempet pgn kuliah HI. pernah jg stlh mampir ke edufair gw jd pgn kuliah komunikasi dan public relation. pas SMA kelas 2 gw terdaftar di dua universitas swasta sebagai calon mahasiswa psikologi (gw bahkan uda bayar sebagian uang pangkal di slh satu univ dan punya jas mahasiswanya). satu hal yg gw tau pasti : gw ga mau kuliah teknik. it doesnt sound right.
18 tahun kemudian, ga ada lagi org yg nanya gw : kalo uda tua mau jadi apa? pandangan orang pada umumnya, apa yg loe ambil sebagai jurusan kuliah loe skr, itulah yg akan menentukan akan jadi apa loe nanti kalo uda tua. pdhl ga sedikit org kuliah teknik kimia dan berakhir jd teller di bank. ada jg yg kuliah ekonomi trus akhirnya diem di rmh ngurus anak. kenalan gw lulusan matematika malah jd guru privat bahasa inggris.
padahal justru menurut gw, sekarang lah waktunya kita untuk ditanya : mau jadi apa? your biological clock is ticking, kalo di umur yg uda 21 tahun loe msh gatau mau jadi apa, mau jadi apa loe nanti kalo uda umur 40? uda ga banyak lahan bebas, uda bukan waktunya lagi kita bertani. politik uda terlalu kotor, gausa lah mimpi jadi presiden. uda ada terlalu banyak dokter, jgn kuliah kedokteran, nambahin jumlah pengangguran aja. sekarang jaman modern, orang² gaul ngobrolnya di twitter or BBMan, ngapain kuliah komunikasi? jadi kalo uda tua kita ngapain donk?
if u ask me, i dont know the answer either. im not being sceptical, this is an honest question. what should i do? what should i do to make my life worth living? is loving each other enough? no, we need money to buy food. ga akan pernah ada kata cukup. uda punya sepatu, pgn beli stiefel. uda punya iPod, pgn beli iPad. uda punya pacar, pgn punya ttm-an. padahal stiefel, iPad dan selingkuhan ga bisa dibawa mati. yg kita butuh nanti cm satu baju, sepasang sepatu, sepasang sarung tangan.
beberapa waktu belakangan, gw punya cita² baru : pgn meninggal muda. range usia meninggal muda buat gw adlh antara umur 30 - 40 tahun. tapi meninggal muda pun ga kalah susah, banyak syaratnya. gw pgn meninggal muda, asal gw uda keliling dunia. asal gw uda lulus kuliah. asal gw uda kerja sesuai bidang kuliah gw. asal gw uda ngerasain semua yg pgn gw rasain di masa hidup gw. wow. kayaknya cita² meninggal muda terlalu sulit direalisasikan. mungkin emang lebih gampang punya cita² jadi presiden, atau petani.
as time goes by, jawaban yg keluar dr mulut anak kecil itu ga selalu jadi kenyataan. ada yg awalnya pgn jd wartawan dan nyasar ke fakultas teknik fisika. ada jg yg dulu blg pgn jd guru musik tp skr kuliah kedokteran. gw sendiri ga inget dulu pgn jd apa, rasanya gw ga pernah ngasih jawaban khusus. dan kenyataan bahwa skr gw duduk di semester 3 kadang suka bikin gw mikir. apa ini yg gw mau?
nein, gw ga meragukan jurusan kuliah gw skr. ga ada yg maksa gw untuk itu dan gw menjalani kuliah dgn sepenuh hati. tp seinget gw, waktu kecil jawaban mau jadi dokter ga pernah keluar dr mulut gw. gw sempet pgn kuliah HI. pernah jg stlh mampir ke edufair gw jd pgn kuliah komunikasi dan public relation. pas SMA kelas 2 gw terdaftar di dua universitas swasta sebagai calon mahasiswa psikologi (gw bahkan uda bayar sebagian uang pangkal di slh satu univ dan punya jas mahasiswanya). satu hal yg gw tau pasti : gw ga mau kuliah teknik. it doesnt sound right.
18 tahun kemudian, ga ada lagi org yg nanya gw : kalo uda tua mau jadi apa? pandangan orang pada umumnya, apa yg loe ambil sebagai jurusan kuliah loe skr, itulah yg akan menentukan akan jadi apa loe nanti kalo uda tua. pdhl ga sedikit org kuliah teknik kimia dan berakhir jd teller di bank. ada jg yg kuliah ekonomi trus akhirnya diem di rmh ngurus anak. kenalan gw lulusan matematika malah jd guru privat bahasa inggris.
padahal justru menurut gw, sekarang lah waktunya kita untuk ditanya : mau jadi apa? your biological clock is ticking, kalo di umur yg uda 21 tahun loe msh gatau mau jadi apa, mau jadi apa loe nanti kalo uda umur 40? uda ga banyak lahan bebas, uda bukan waktunya lagi kita bertani. politik uda terlalu kotor, gausa lah mimpi jadi presiden. uda ada terlalu banyak dokter, jgn kuliah kedokteran, nambahin jumlah pengangguran aja. sekarang jaman modern, orang² gaul ngobrolnya di twitter or BBMan, ngapain kuliah komunikasi? jadi kalo uda tua kita ngapain donk?
if u ask me, i dont know the answer either. im not being sceptical, this is an honest question. what should i do? what should i do to make my life worth living? is loving each other enough? no, we need money to buy food. ga akan pernah ada kata cukup. uda punya sepatu, pgn beli stiefel. uda punya iPod, pgn beli iPad. uda punya pacar, pgn punya ttm-an. padahal stiefel, iPad dan selingkuhan ga bisa dibawa mati. yg kita butuh nanti cm satu baju, sepasang sepatu, sepasang sarung tangan.
beberapa waktu belakangan, gw punya cita² baru : pgn meninggal muda. range usia meninggal muda buat gw adlh antara umur 30 - 40 tahun. tapi meninggal muda pun ga kalah susah, banyak syaratnya. gw pgn meninggal muda, asal gw uda keliling dunia. asal gw uda lulus kuliah. asal gw uda kerja sesuai bidang kuliah gw. asal gw uda ngerasain semua yg pgn gw rasain di masa hidup gw. wow. kayaknya cita² meninggal muda terlalu sulit direalisasikan. mungkin emang lebih gampang punya cita² jadi presiden, atau petani.
Saturday, November 27, 2010
obsessed
hallo (:
yes im back after a month full of tortures. no kidding kuliah is killing me. but as always, semakin menyiksa kuliah, semakin gede semangat gw untuk cepet sampe finish line. first check point is this weekend. ujian² babak pertama uda lewat, hasilnya ga mengecewakan lah ;) sayangnya ga ada bnyk wkt buat recharge, am montag geht es wieder los bis zum weihnachten.
its snowing anw, afdol sudah winter 2010. and white christmas is silently sneaking between the snowflakes. seriously, im craving for christmas runaway. 970 km from here, budapest is waving at me with its sparkling bridge at night. really wish i could go there in december. but yeah you know, im jobless every winter. i make - 400 euro every month so how in God's name could i pay for this travelling stuff? should i sell myself?
and this NYC obsession i had since summer. i told myself that i have to be in NYC 3 years from now to celebrate christmas at times square and it haunts me eversince. i feel a butterfly in my tummy everytime i see that black and white NYC - big apple - times square - empire state building - shot glass el has given to me. oh screw it, dreaming keeps you healthy ;)
yes im back after a month full of tortures. no kidding kuliah is killing me. but as always, semakin menyiksa kuliah, semakin gede semangat gw untuk cepet sampe finish line. first check point is this weekend. ujian² babak pertama uda lewat, hasilnya ga mengecewakan lah ;) sayangnya ga ada bnyk wkt buat recharge, am montag geht es wieder los bis zum weihnachten.
its snowing anw, afdol sudah winter 2010. and white christmas is silently sneaking between the snowflakes. seriously, im craving for christmas runaway. 970 km from here, budapest is waving at me with its sparkling bridge at night. really wish i could go there in december. but yeah you know, im jobless every winter. i make - 400 euro every month so how in God's name could i pay for this travelling stuff? should i sell myself?
and this NYC obsession i had since summer. i told myself that i have to be in NYC 3 years from now to celebrate christmas at times square and it haunts me eversince. i feel a butterfly in my tummy everytime i see that black and white NYC - big apple - times square - empire state building - shot glass el has given to me. oh screw it, dreaming keeps you healthy ;)
Saturday, November 6, 2010
06.11.10
dear all,
this isnt any particular post, just me an my thoughts lately. life is full with unanswered questions, unfinished tasks, undescribable facts. life is uncertain. just this one : death is the only certain thing in the whole life. and u'll never know whom, why, where, when and how exactly it happens.
dan ketika kenyataan tentang kehilangan itu datang begitu dekat dengan hidup kita, kita baru akan menyadari bahwa hidup orang² di sekitar kita, siapapun orang itu, seperti apa orang itu ketika masih hidup, dan apa saja yg sudah dia lakukan selama hidupnya, ada maksud dan tujuannya baik secara langsung ataupun tidak.
ga ada satu orangpun yg bisa lolos dari kematian. ga peduli suka ato ga, siap ato ga, ketika waktunya tiba, u have to take off. forever and no turning back. u got a life and it is once. seize the day. live fully, live happily, live willingly. dan sebagai orang yg ditinggalkan, pelan² kita belajar tentang arti kehilangan. tell them, tell the people how much u love them each and every day. learn to forgive and forget. try to understand then let go.
we knew exactly how it feels. u'll never be alone cuz we'll be there. and we love u.
yours, stella
this isnt any particular post, just me an my thoughts lately. life is full with unanswered questions, unfinished tasks, undescribable facts. life is uncertain. just this one : death is the only certain thing in the whole life. and u'll never know whom, why, where, when and how exactly it happens.
dan ketika kenyataan tentang kehilangan itu datang begitu dekat dengan hidup kita, kita baru akan menyadari bahwa hidup orang² di sekitar kita, siapapun orang itu, seperti apa orang itu ketika masih hidup, dan apa saja yg sudah dia lakukan selama hidupnya, ada maksud dan tujuannya baik secara langsung ataupun tidak.
ga ada satu orangpun yg bisa lolos dari kematian. ga peduli suka ato ga, siap ato ga, ketika waktunya tiba, u have to take off. forever and no turning back. u got a life and it is once. seize the day. live fully, live happily, live willingly. dan sebagai orang yg ditinggalkan, pelan² kita belajar tentang arti kehilangan. tell them, tell the people how much u love them each and every day. learn to forgive and forget. try to understand then let go.
we knew exactly how it feels. u'll never be alone cuz we'll be there. and we love u.
yours, stella
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
saya, dia, kamu
saya tidak tahu. sungguh tidak mau tahu.
tapi saya rasa saya harus tahu. mau apa kamu?
kenapa kamu seperti itu? mau apa kamu?
mau tidak mau saya mencari tahu.
siapa kamu?
mau apa kamu?
kenapa kamu begitu?
yang lalu biar berlalu.
saya lelah. ingin menyerah kalah.
tak mau lagi menahan amarah.
penasaran saya seperti arwah.
timbul tenggelam tanpa arah.
kamu cuma bungkam.
yang berkata hanya diam.
mata hati saya biarkan terpejam.
sungguh saya ingin tenggelam.
siapa kamu?
dan kenapa harus kamu?
terlalu singkatkah saya kenal kamu?
atau saya yang selama ini tidak tahu?
logika bilang tinggalkan.
hati bilang jangan dan terus tahan.
apa yang harus saya katakan?
mau kembali sendirian?
lagu yang berdendang.
kata kata yang mengambang.
perasaan ada di simpang.
dan saya mengenang.
cerita itu.
lepas tawa dan tangis sendu.
terbungkus waktu terbawa laju.
itu yang saya tahu.
tapi bagaimana dengan dia?
dengan setumpuk janji dan segenggam cerita?
dengan sebuah buku yang belum ada akhirnya?
apa dia sudah menerima?
lalu kenapa dia begitu?
tahu dia itu buat saya pilu?
lidah saya kelu.
emosi terbawa tanpa perlu.
tahu dia siapa saya?
kalau tidak tahu tanya saja.
saya bersedia bertemu dengannya.
tatap mata saya dan katakan semuanya.
siapa saya untuk kamu?
siapa dia bagi kamu?
kisah yang sudah lalu?
atau bekas teman bercumbu?
tapi saya rasa saya harus tahu. mau apa kamu?
kenapa kamu seperti itu? mau apa kamu?
mau tidak mau saya mencari tahu.
siapa kamu?
mau apa kamu?
kenapa kamu begitu?
yang lalu biar berlalu.
saya lelah. ingin menyerah kalah.
tak mau lagi menahan amarah.
penasaran saya seperti arwah.
timbul tenggelam tanpa arah.
kamu cuma bungkam.
yang berkata hanya diam.
mata hati saya biarkan terpejam.
sungguh saya ingin tenggelam.
siapa kamu?
dan kenapa harus kamu?
terlalu singkatkah saya kenal kamu?
atau saya yang selama ini tidak tahu?
logika bilang tinggalkan.
hati bilang jangan dan terus tahan.
apa yang harus saya katakan?
mau kembali sendirian?
lagu yang berdendang.
kata kata yang mengambang.
perasaan ada di simpang.
dan saya mengenang.
cerita itu.
lepas tawa dan tangis sendu.
terbungkus waktu terbawa laju.
itu yang saya tahu.
tapi bagaimana dengan dia?
dengan setumpuk janji dan segenggam cerita?
dengan sebuah buku yang belum ada akhirnya?
apa dia sudah menerima?
lalu kenapa dia begitu?
tahu dia itu buat saya pilu?
lidah saya kelu.
emosi terbawa tanpa perlu.
tahu dia siapa saya?
kalau tidak tahu tanya saja.
saya bersedia bertemu dengannya.
tatap mata saya dan katakan semuanya.
siapa saya untuk kamu?
siapa dia bagi kamu?
kisah yang sudah lalu?
atau bekas teman bercumbu?
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
A to Z
i suck at LDR. even the fake one. nope, i wasn't born for that thing.
i'm tired, i'm bored. i used too much heart instead of brain. i know it shouldn't be that way, but as i said, i suck at LDR, i gave up way too quick. i can't trust things i don't see. jealousy is my middle name, stubborn my last name. i'm sceptical.
i get very angry because of the smallest mistake. people can hardly make me laugh. even a single smile took a huge effort. i lost weight. i'm an egoist. the candy is mine. i made a very clear and very neat boundary around it.
i was born with a high dignity. i don't think i need help. i know if i would, i can do almost everything by myself. i'm a leo born as a snake. i have powers, i'm tricky. i know exactly how to act or how long i should wait. i could kill you easily, but also let you slowly die in pain. i know how to rule.
but sadly. i don't know what i'm talking about.
i'm tired, i'm bored. i used too much heart instead of brain. i know it shouldn't be that way, but as i said, i suck at LDR, i gave up way too quick. i can't trust things i don't see. jealousy is my middle name, stubborn my last name. i'm sceptical.
i get very angry because of the smallest mistake. people can hardly make me laugh. even a single smile took a huge effort. i lost weight. i'm an egoist. the candy is mine. i made a very clear and very neat boundary around it.
i was born with a high dignity. i don't think i need help. i know if i would, i can do almost everything by myself. i'm a leo born as a snake. i have powers, i'm tricky. i know exactly how to act or how long i should wait. i could kill you easily, but also let you slowly die in pain. i know how to rule.
but sadly. i don't know what i'm talking about.
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