dumdidamdidum

tanggal cantik

2011-11-20T20:35:00.004+02:00

itu kata hampir semua orang tentang hari ini. gw jamin jalanan Jakarta macet dan semua gedung fully booked karena banyak yg nikahan. dan semua dokter kandungan lembur karena banyak yg lahiran. for me, its just an ordinary day just like every other day. its windy and cloudy, just like it should be in November.

kenapa banyak orang milih tanggal cantik buat nikah dan melahirkan anaknya? they said because its special and easy to remember. but hey. you've been pregnant for 9 months, carrying your baby in your tummy every second in those months, so how could you forget when exactly they were born? my grannie has 6 children, she is 71 years old now and still can remember clearly what day what time her kids were born. whats wrong with mommies nowadays? and hey you newly weds. this is the day when you said I do to each other, followed with sugar sweet promise till death do us part. this is your day for God's sake! impossible to forget unless you are a goldfish who only has a 30 seconds memory. not being cynical here, I just don't get the idea. but that's none of my business anyway.

hmm. gw sih lebih milih punya tanggal cantik buat urusan lain. to take off from this world, for example. lo bisa milih tanggal cantik buat nikah dan melahirkan, tapi lo ga akan pernah bs milih tanggal cantik buat berpulang. kalopun dapet tanggal cantik, paling itu coincidence. orang bisa maksa melahirkan sebelum waktunya demi tanggal cantik, tapi gw yakin ga akan ada orang yg nyopotin selang oksigen keluarganya supaya mereka bs berpulang di tanggal cantik. definisi tanggal cantik disini bukan cm sebatas digit yg berulang or whatsoever. ada banyak hal² lain yg bisa mendefinisikan bahwa tanggal tertentu itu cantik, baik, tepat.

bokap gw berpulang tanggal 15 october 2011. secara kasat mata, ga ada yg istimewa dari tanggal itu. ga cantik, ga ada digit yg berulang. tapi tanggal berpulang bokap cuma selang kira² sebulan dari tanggal ulang tahunnya. tanggal 6 september kemarin, siapa yg mengira kalo dia akan take off bulan depan? gw juga ga menyangka, 1 hari di bulan october tahun lalu akan jadi hari terakhir gw ketemu bokap dalam kondisi masih hidup. ga mengira bahwa kali berikutnya, gw harus menunduk di atas peti dan say goodbye. forever. and he won't talk back to me. anymore.

if you ask me, gw juga gatau kapan tanggal yg cantik, baik dan tepat buat bokap untuk berpulang. tanggal yg cantik, baik dan tepat menurut gw, bukan tanggal yg cantik, baik dan tepat menurut the Chairman. the Chairman has his own timing and its not just good, its perfect.

its okay to pick tanggal cantik as your special date. apapun yg lo lakukan di tanggal cantik, ingat, tanggal itu lo pilih dengan harapan semoga sesuatu yg lo mulai atau lakukan di hari itu bisa berjalan secantik dan sebaik tanggalnya. maybe till the end of time. so don't take it for granted. do your best, seize your day. supaya nanti saat lo harus take off, ga peduli tanggalnya cantik atau ga, you could say to yourself : yes, this really is the perfect time.

message in the bottle

2011-09-06T20:31:00.002+03:00

dear you,

let me tell you something. no, its not something big or extraordinary.
i just want to tell you i love him. but i also love her.
i dont know whom i love more, i dont think i have to know.
its just, you know.
people say you cant love two persons at the same time. you have to choose.

i love her since the first time we met. i cant live without her.
we have a very strong bond between us. she knows every single thing about me, she knows me really well.
and i love him since the first time we talked to each other. he literally got me.
my very best friend and companion. we have lots of things in common.

and i know that you know.
if you ask me to choose one of them, you know i cant.
you know its not an easy thing to do.
you cant just choose one and leave the other one stranded by the sidewalk.
there are feelings between you and them. feelings, memories, stories, tons of them.
you know i cant. yet.

prayer of the night

2011-08-30T21:03:00.002+03:00

Good God,

please hold my hand, teach me Your way, lead me on Your path.
Let me be a blessing for my Mom.
Let me be her happiness, let me be one of the reason she's thanking You for.
Because she is the most reasonable reason I'm thanking You for.
Only in Your palm I lay my present, my future and my whole life.

Amen.

i have the best mom in the world!

2011-08-24T10:46:00.003+03:00

4 minggu. 28 hari. 672 jam.

selama itu nykp dateng dan nemenin gw disini. 2 di 4 minggu itu jg grannies gw ada disini. thanks for coming, loves. thank you for being a very sweet part of my holiday. i miss you all already *sniff* there wont be any review about those weeks. not that they werent interesting, just because its too sweet to remember i have to cry a little if i talk about it. *i even shed some tears as i type*

all i can say is, i have the best mom in the world. and my mom has the best mom in the world, so i have the best grandma in the world. we all have the best moms in the world. sebawel apapun, se-banyak-aturan apapun, seribet apapun mereka, sampe² kita ngerasa kaya anak kecil umur 5 lg saat sama mereka, trust me, setelah kebawelan itu berubah jd sepi, setelah lo lagi² sendirian di rmh lo, you'll miss it. A LOT. i am still missing my mom so bad, every morning i wake up i walk straight in the kitchen, hoping to see her there cooking. after she left on sunday, i cried in the airport restroom, in the train back home, on my bed until i fell asleep, on monday morning soon after i woke up.

i know, i know all these words sound hyper. but maybe you will get what i mean if you were the only child who lives for years with only your mom (eventhough you also have a father). who shares every single thing, goes almost everywhere and sleeps in the same room with her for more than just one decade. or maybe if you were, you still cant get it. but its okay, i dont care. i have the best mom in the world, i am proud of her and really thankful to have her in my life.

love you, Mom!

same date, another month

2011-07-22T22:43:00.003+03:00

och nee. lagi² gw menelantarkan blog gw selama sebulan *geleng geleng kepala* tut mir leid, schätzchen!

oh yes, semester ini beneran berhak dapet penghargaan the suckest semester ever. i feel like a zombie all the time, i still feel like a zombie at this very moment. i gained weight, i lost weight, i lost height - oh wait. you are genetically short, stella. you didn't lose height. i didn't sleep well, my eyes ache everytime they see sunshine through the window. i have been jogging for only 3 times in 3 months, how healthy was that. really have to start jogging every weekend.

and yes, tetangga serumah gw mau pindah. sie hat kein bock mehr auf dachwohnung, so hat sie erzählt. hari minggu nanti ada 1 org yg mau dtg liat kamar. please God, lass es gut gehen! dan cuaca belakangan, you gotta be kidding me! mendung - cerah - gerimis - terik - ujan deres - pengap - mendung sampe bsk subuh. efeknya adalah minggu ini gw ga kerja samasekali. ok now it seems like hari ini gw blogging untuk melampiaskan uneg² yg udah mulai busuk saking disimpen kelamaan. yaudalahya, sekali-kali nyampah di blog sendiri gapapa kan, drpd nyampah di blog org *loh*

seriously. i deserve a long, nice, sunny -not rainy- summer holiday.

yuhuu!

2011-06-22T21:51:00.003+03:00

posting terakhir gw tercatat tanggal 16 maret, means udah 3 bln yg lalu *uh-oh*

what happened in 3 months? well ga banyak sih. nyelesain praktikum di rmh sakit, trus mulai kuliah lagi dr tanggal 18 april, mulai kerja lagi dr tanggal 2 mei, ujian berderet setiap 2 minggu, sakit dan *alasan paling klasik* ga sempet blogging. gimana mau ngeblog kalo senin rabu kerja, selasa kamis jumat kuliah, sabtu spoiling-myself-time dan minggu belajar? kalo kata orang jawa : duh Gustiii... itu pun ga selalu berjalan sesuai schedule. kadang spoiling-myself-time-nya kebablasan sampe minggu, kadang belajar hari minggu aja ga cukup, jd unter der woche nongkrong di bibliothek sampe jam 9an, mal so, mal so.

sepertinya boleh jg dibilang kalo semester ini adalah semester paling statis selama gw kuliah. ga ngerasain libur winter (karena mondok di rmh sakit 60 hari), ga ngerasain free weekend (karena ujian ngantri per 2 minggu) dan jarang ngerasain matahari (karena cuacanya labil kayak anak ABG : ujan-panas-ujan-panas). gw rasanya kayak megap-megap sepanjang jalan. plus ngurusin 1 hal yg cukup menyita banyak waktu dan pikiran. untung sekarang udah mulai keliatan titik terangnya, kalo ga gw bs gantung diri di pohon toge.

oya, rumah gw sempet bocor jg waktu itu. iya, ga salah baca, di jerman jg ada kok rumah bocor. apalagi kalo rumah lo lantai 4 dan adanya pas dibawah genteng kayak rumah gw. disini rumah bawah genteng namanya dachgeschoss, artinya langit-langit rumah lo ga lurus horizontal kayak yg biasa di indonesia, tapi miring ngikutin genteng. enaknya adalah lo ga bakal diintipin sama tetangga (karena uda paling tinggi, jd yg bs ngintipin lo cuma burung), ga enaknya adalah jendela kamar lo juga ikut miring kayak genteng ngadep ke langit. nah di bulan-bulan sekarang ini matahari udah terbit dari jam 5, means egal gw pasang weker jam berapapun, jam 5 gw pasti mendusin karena sinar mataharinya kena langsung ke muka gw gara-gara jendela miring. dang! btw mau cerita rumah bocor aja kok ngalor ngidul. yaa intinya tembok kamar gw sempet basah dan benjol-bejol keluar karena kena rembesan air, tp terus udah dibenerin sm vermieternya.

taun lalu rencana ke budapest gagal karena a) pas summer gw kerja kayak orang kalap terus pulang indo b) pas winter gw ga punya budget dan waktu buat travelling, jadi gw natalan di Nürnberg bareng pacar dan temen SD. summer taun ini pun kayaknya ga kemana-mana. tadinya udah seneng karena ada bbrp temen yg bilang mau dateng, tp trus batal detik-detik terakhir. apropo temen, udah pada lulus aja loh anak-anak angkatan gw di indo. sedangkan gw masih terseok-seok jalan enggan duduk tak mau gini di kampus. gargh! remind me once again why I came to Germany.

udah dulu ah. drpd jd ngedumel, mending gw berhenti trus bikin presentasi buat selasa. smell you later!

tumblethought 6

2011-03-16T10:14:00.003+02:00

love is a verb.

that explains why we say i do love you, not i am love you.

passenger seat*

2011-01-30T19:35:00.004+02:00

after a really long time, i finally hear chris cendana's voice again tonight. i didnt know who he was, until one of my friends recommended his songs in 2009. and he is literally great. i made some of his songs as soundtracks for some big things happened back then.

his voice has been a really good companion as one of my best friends passed away. and as i was getting to know my bf, his youtube channel was one of our chat topics. then again as my aunt passed away, his song was swimming in my ears for days - or maybe weeks.

and tonight, as the lack of motivation dominates my day and exams seems impossible to passed, i type his name and get what i need : a nice sound of an acoustic guitar, a smooth male voice, a warm smile. those things bring me back on my feet, at least for tonight.

*a song from stephen speaks. covered by chris cendana.

i will not call you tonight

2011-01-27T21:36:00.003+02:00

i will not call you tonight.
i will just leave you alone, at peace, in peace.
take your time, dream about me.
if you are lucky, i will be there waiting for you.
i will wait and wait endlessly,
until time passes by and the moon falls asleep in my arms.
i will stare at the star,
and make a wish to the brightest one.
he will whisper my wish to the sky,
my one and only wish.
is to see you, at the end of the milky way.

dear you

2011-01-02T12:01:00.004+02:00

merry christmas and happy new year to you,
whom i cant celebrate these things with.

its almost a year already,
and i miss you even more.

cita-cita

2010-11-30T20:56:00.003+02:00

waktu masih kecil, kita suka ditanya : nanti kalo uda gede mau jadi apa? jawaban yg keluar macem², ada yg pgn jd arsitek, pengusaha, dokter, ibu rumah tangga, wartawan, etc etc. pokoknya semua hal yg kedengerannya keren, pgn dijadiin cita². yg kita gatau adlh jalan menuju kesana itu ga gampang.

as time goes by, jawaban yg keluar dr mulut anak kecil itu ga selalu jadi kenyataan. ada yg awalnya pgn jd wartawan dan nyasar ke fakultas teknik fisika. ada jg yg dulu blg pgn jd guru musik tp skr kuliah kedokteran. gw sendiri ga inget dulu pgn jd apa, rasanya gw ga pernah ngasih jawaban khusus. dan kenyataan bahwa skr gw duduk di semester 3 kadang suka bikin gw mikir. apa ini yg gw mau?

nein, gw ga meragukan jurusan kuliah gw skr. ga ada yg maksa gw untuk itu dan gw menjalani kuliah dgn sepenuh hati. tp seinget gw, waktu kecil jawaban mau jadi dokter ga pernah keluar dr mulut gw. gw sempet pgn kuliah HI. pernah jg stlh mampir ke edufair gw jd pgn kuliah komunikasi dan public relation. pas SMA kelas 2 gw terdaftar di dua universitas swasta sebagai calon mahasiswa psikologi (gw bahkan uda bayar sebagian uang pangkal di slh satu univ dan punya jas mahasiswanya). satu hal yg gw tau pasti : gw ga mau kuliah teknik. it doesnt sound right.

18 tahun kemudian, ga ada lagi org yg nanya gw : kalo uda tua mau jadi apa? pandangan orang pada umumnya, apa yg loe ambil sebagai jurusan kuliah loe skr, itulah yg akan menentukan akan jadi apa loe nanti kalo uda tua. pdhl ga sedikit org kuliah teknik kimia dan berakhir jd teller di bank. ada jg yg kuliah ekonomi trus akhirnya diem di rmh ngurus anak. kenalan gw lulusan matematika malah jd guru privat bahasa inggris.

padahal justru menurut gw, sekarang lah waktunya kita untuk ditanya : mau jadi apa? your biological clock is ticking, kalo di umur yg uda 21 tahun loe msh gatau mau jadi apa, mau jadi apa loe nanti kalo uda umur 40? uda ga banyak lahan bebas, uda bukan waktunya lagi kita bertani. politik uda terlalu kotor, gausa lah mimpi jadi presiden. uda ada terlalu banyak dokter, jgn kuliah kedokteran, nambahin jumlah pengangguran aja. sekarang jaman modern, orang² gaul ngobrolnya di twitter or BBMan, ngapain kuliah komunikasi? jadi kalo uda tua kita ngapain donk?

if u ask me, i dont know the answer either. im not being sceptical, this is an honest question. what should i do? what should i do to make my life worth living? is loving each other enough? no, we need money to buy food. ga akan pernah ada kata cukup. uda punya sepatu, pgn beli stiefel. uda punya iPod, pgn beli iPad. uda punya pacar, pgn punya ttm-an. padahal stiefel, iPad dan selingkuhan ga bisa dibawa mati. yg kita butuh nanti cm satu baju, sepasang sepatu, sepasang sarung tangan.

beberapa waktu belakangan, gw punya cita² baru : pgn meninggal muda. range usia meninggal muda buat gw adlh antara umur 30 - 40 tahun. tapi meninggal muda pun ga kalah susah, banyak syaratnya. gw pgn meninggal muda, asal gw uda keliling dunia. asal gw uda lulus kuliah. asal gw uda kerja sesuai bidang kuliah gw. asal gw uda ngerasain semua yg pgn gw rasain di masa hidup gw. wow. kayaknya cita² meninggal muda terlalu sulit direalisasikan. mungkin emang lebih gampang punya cita² jadi presiden, atau petani.

obsessed

2010-11-27T14:43:00.003+02:00

hallo (:

yes im back after a month full of tortures. no kidding kuliah is killing me. but as always, semakin menyiksa kuliah, semakin gede semangat gw untuk cepet sampe finish line. first check point is this weekend. ujian² babak pertama uda lewat, hasilnya ga mengecewakan lah ;) sayangnya ga ada bnyk wkt buat recharge, am montag geht es wieder los bis zum weihnachten.

its snowing anw, afdol sudah winter 2010. and white christmas is silently sneaking between the snowflakes. seriously, im craving for christmas runaway. 970 km from here, budapest is waving at me with its sparkling bridge at night. really wish i could go there in december. but yeah you know, im jobless every winter. i make - 400 euro every month so how in God's name could i pay for this travelling stuff? should i sell myself?

and this NYC obsession i had since summer. i told myself that i have to be in NYC 3 years from now to celebrate christmas at times square and it haunts me eversince. i feel a butterfly in my tummy everytime i see that black and white NYC - big apple - times square - empire state building - shot glass el has given to me. oh screw it, dreaming keeps you healthy ;)

06.11.10

2010-11-06T10:07:00.004+02:00

dear all,

this isnt any particular post, just me an my thoughts lately. life is full with unanswered questions, unfinished tasks, undescribable facts. life is uncertain. just this one : death is the only certain thing in the whole life. and u'll never know whom, why, where, when and how exactly it happens.

dan ketika kenyataan tentang kehilangan itu datang begitu dekat dengan hidup kita, kita baru akan menyadari bahwa hidup orang² di sekitar kita, siapapun orang itu, seperti apa orang itu ketika masih hidup, dan apa saja yg sudah dia lakukan selama hidupnya, ada maksud dan tujuannya baik secara langsung ataupun tidak.

ga ada satu orangpun yg bisa lolos dari kematian. ga peduli suka ato ga, siap ato ga, ketika waktunya tiba, u have to take off. forever and no turning back. u got a life and it is once. seize the day. live fully, live happily, live willingly. dan sebagai orang yg ditinggalkan, pelan² kita belajar tentang arti kehilangan. tell them, tell the people how much u love them each and every day. learn to forgive and forget. try to understand then let go.

we knew exactly how it feels. u'll never be alone cuz we'll be there. and we love u.

yours, stella

saya, dia, kamu

2010-10-12T18:51:00.002+03:00

saya tidak tahu. sungguh tidak mau tahu.
tapi saya rasa saya harus tahu. mau apa kamu?
kenapa kamu seperti itu? mau apa kamu?
mau tidak mau saya mencari tahu.

siapa kamu?
mau apa kamu?
kenapa kamu begitu?
yang lalu biar berlalu.

saya lelah. ingin menyerah kalah.
tak mau lagi menahan amarah.
penasaran saya seperti arwah.
timbul tenggelam tanpa arah.

kamu cuma bungkam.
yang berkata hanya diam.
mata hati saya biarkan terpejam.
sungguh saya ingin tenggelam.

siapa kamu?
dan kenapa harus kamu?
terlalu singkatkah saya kenal kamu?
atau saya yang selama ini tidak tahu?

logika bilang tinggalkan.
hati bilang jangan dan terus tahan.
apa yang harus saya katakan?
mau kembali sendirian?

lagu yang berdendang.
kata kata yang mengambang.
perasaan ada di simpang.
dan saya mengenang.

cerita itu.
lepas tawa dan tangis sendu.
terbungkus waktu terbawa laju.
itu yang saya tahu.

tapi bagaimana dengan dia?
dengan setumpuk janji dan segenggam cerita?
dengan sebuah buku yang belum ada akhirnya?
apa dia sudah menerima?

lalu kenapa dia begitu?
tahu dia itu buat saya pilu?
lidah saya kelu.
emosi terbawa tanpa perlu.

tahu dia siapa saya?
kalau tidak tahu tanya saja.
saya bersedia bertemu dengannya.
tatap mata saya dan katakan semuanya.

siapa saya untuk kamu?
siapa dia bagi kamu?
kisah yang sudah lalu?
atau bekas teman bercumbu?

A to Z

2010-09-08T22:22:00.004+03:00

im suck at LDR. even the fake one. nope, i wasnt born for that thing.

im tired, im bored. i used too much heart instead of brain. i know it shouldnt be that way, but as i said, im suck at LDR, i gave up way too quick. i cant trust things i dont see. jealousy is my middle name, stubborn my last name. im sceptical.

i get very angry because of the smallest mistake. people can hardly make me laugh. even a single smile took a huge effort. i lost weight. im an egoist. the candy is mine. i made an extremly clear and very neat boundary around it.

i was born with a high dignity. i dont think i need help. i know if i would, i can do almost everything by myself. im a leo born as a snake. i have powers, im tricky. i know exactly how to act or how long i should wait. i could kill you easily, but also let you slowly die in pain. i know how to rule.

but sadly. i dont know what im talking about.

but

2010-08-29T22:46:00.003+03:00

you are very nice, but..

yeah, doesnt matter how great things are, there will always be a but.

happy belated birthday, stella

2010-08-11T23:18:00.004+03:00

i called my mom today, we talked for like 3 hours. we laughed, we shared, we thought about each other. and at this very point, im thinking to myself : am i asking too much from her? am i doing any good for her lately? am i mature enough now? am i getting better day by day? well im not sure. sometimes i feel like im stuck in my body. im just getting old, but not getting mature. i still get lost, i still need advice, i obviously need a trashbin for my stories every week. i need her, indeed.

well its not a mother's day. but once again, thank you for gaving me birth, mom. thank you for raising me until today. thank you for being such a great mother. thank you for your patience and love. sorry i cant ever pay you back. but i love you. so much.

your one and only daughter,
stella

stuffs

2010-07-27T04:36:00.004+03:00

yes, insomnia is my best friend since last week.
yes, summer is over.
damn!

sommerferien strated from july 12th and in these 2 weeks i was working, making a tagesfamulatur at marburg, searching for a new flat, working and working again. i work like a stupid cow. everytime i went home my hands ached, my feet felt like a melting cheese and i smelled like milk and flour. what a perfect combination!

fyi i passed all my exams, quite happy with the result. not sure to do a pflegepraktikum this holiday, seems like im not in the mood. found a cute flat in mainz kastel. its not in rheinland pfalz anymore, its in hessen. ab dem 1.9. ziehe ich aus dem keller aus. hallo dachgeschoss, tschüss funkloch! nie wiedersehen!

am thinking for the million times to make an EU driving license. but somehow too lazy to walk down the street and ask. and too scared to hear the price ;) just randomly made a shopping list at ikea.de, knowing that i wont have desk and bed in kastel. impulsively added a nice carpet onto the list. it looks good though, 90x200 cm cotton carpet with navy blue - white stripes just for 10 euro!

kinda miss home lately. and even worse to know the guy is going home without me. too bad. gonna be alone for straight 6 weeks. bloody emirates, why do u have to be so expensive ?! bloody häagen dazs for taking stupid new employees these days. and for God's sake, give me more sunshine, please. its july and its raining cats and dogs here!

its 4 am in the morning and im fully awake. seriously, what is wrong with me.

tagline

2010-06-10T23:21:00.001+03:00

and we are so fragile
and our cracking bones make noise
and we are just

..breakable girls and boys

dear you

2010-06-02T23:31:00.004+03:00

oh man. you are such a BASTARD !

living abroad

2010-05-05T17:19:00.003+03:00

is like walking day by day, without knowing whats gonna be at the end of the road.
sounds very cool, until u face the real world in front of u.
worse, u cant run or hide.
makes u realize, u arent 10 years old anymore.
teaches u how to cook, wash, and sew.
sometimes it pushes u so hard, u think u couldnt even take a single breath.
takes away ur precious weekend because u have to work.
gives u chance to smell the wind and feel the grass under ur feet in a different way.
provides u as much freedom as u wish.
reminds u about something called self responsibility.
punches u in the face with the worst and most painfull experiences.
cheers u up with tons of opportunities and interesting stories.
builts up ur confidence and self esteem.
might be the golden years in ur whole life.

i just cant find another way to describe this thing.

smile (:

2010-04-23T22:15:00.003+03:00

smile, though your heart is aching
smile, eventhough its breaking
when there are clouds in the sky
u'll get by

if u smile with ur fear and sorrow
smile and maybe tomorrow
u'll find that life is still worthwhile
if u just light up ur face with gladness
hide every trace of sadness
although a tear may be ever so near

thats the time u must keep on trying
smile, whats the use of crying
u'll find that life is still worthwhile
if u just smile

*smile - charlie chaplin

arrivederci winterferien !

2010-04-11T23:35:00.002+03:00

winter holiday officially ends today. setelah 1 minggu labor kimia, 4 minggu praktikum di klinikum, akhirnya gw hanya bisa mengecap 11 hari nikmatnya liburan. surely, im still craving for more heheh. tomorrow ab 8.30 uhr rutinitas ngampus - nugas - ngerokin es krim kembali dimulai. oh yeah gw balik lg ke häagen dazs. welcome summer, welcome hand sprain :p

i couldnt fulfill my promise to tell u more about my internship. not that interesting though, cm 1x ngeluarin 16 staples bekas operasi meningeom, 2x nyabut central venous catheter, 2x nyabut urin catheter, ca. 12x nyabut jarum infus, berkali-kali cabut pasang antithrombosestrumpfe, ganti sprei, mandiin, nyuapin, dan ngajak ngbrl pasien. oia, 1x ngajak pasien main ular tangga. soo much fun (:

intermezzo aja, dalam 11 hari kyny berat gw nambah (terlalu) banyak, secara kerjaan gw cm online - makan - jalan - nonton - tidur. geez. dan krn tangan mendadak gatel pgn bikin muffin, jadinya gw beli backmischung chocochips muffin di rewe. not bad lah, tmn gw yg notabene jago bgd bikin kue aja blg muffin gw enak :p trus bkin popcorn dan martabak telur. trus hari rabu dtg segerombolan anak nürnberg krmh gw, dan bbrp dr mereka pgn mkn di chilli pepper. jadilah kamisnya kita mkn ky orang maruk dsana. trus sabtunya mkn di maredo. masih di hari yg sama kita ditraktir mkn sm si tante di indochine (perut gw mw meledak rasanya) dan ditutup dengan ditraktir kino abend di cinecitta.

i cant ask for more, ngeliat makanan aja skr rasanya lgs kenyang. hahah. gpp, cadangan lemak untuk 3 bln sebelum mulai skip-skip makan krn gada waktu. willkommen, sommersemester ! be nice !

guten morgen allerlei !

2010-03-16T08:58:00.005+02:00

selamat hari raya nyepi (:

selamat kuliah lg buat anak² FH. selamat belajar jg untuk saya sendiri. heheh. H-1 chemie klausur, 80% stoffe uda di kepala, 20% lg mch hrs dikejar hr ini, plus bikin summary. after a long long time, akhirnya gw ngerasain lg enaknya tdr jm 6 sore dan br bgn lg jm 6 bsk paginya. hahah. keboo keboo.

well seiring matahari yg semakin sering absen every 6am, gw pun dengan senang hati menyambut spring yg rada ketelatan taun ini. brgkt ke uniklinik ditemenin bulan yg mch utuh menggantung di langit, pulangnya disambut sm middle-speed wind blow dan sinar matahari. hmm. warming up with a glass of hot chocolate dan depapepe, bukannya semangat bljr gw mlh semangat jalan². hahah ngaco bgd deh.

weekend kmrn, di sela² bljr, gw iseng googling ttg bratislava n budapest. pgn jalan² lg eui. ada yg nyaranin backpacking, ada yg nyaranin jgn nginep di bratislava, ada jg yg nyaranin bwt brgkt dr wien. tp secara wien itu jauh bgd dr mainz (10 hours by train) gw überlegen lg lah bwt brgkt dr wien. kl naik kereta 5 jam nürnberg - prague aja uda hampir kram pantat, 10 jam mainz - wien gw bs amputasi pantat. tp ya itu alasannya kenapa diciptakan sesuatu yg namanya air plane. naja. we'll see when i'll go there. summer ini kyny ga mgkn, maybe next year spring holiday (: anw intermezzo aja, gw blkgn lg niat bgd bikin SIM EU. mahal sih, tp berlaku seumur hidup. ngiler bgd gw, jd kl mw travelling kan gausa naik kereta lg, tinggal sewa mobil aja. ga perlu berat² nenteng tas, tinggal masukkin bagasi. yay ! tp duitnya darimana ya ? *wondering apakah ada yg mw patungan bayarin SIM gw hahah*

1st week summary

2010-03-06T23:10:00.004+02:00

uda hampir seminggu ini gw bgn jam 5 tiap pagi buat ngejar tram jam 5.20 supaya bs sampe on time di uniklinik. yeah, sebulan full gw kudu bikin pflegepraktikum, smthg like nursing intern, di klinikum kampus gw. kerjaannya standard kerjaan suster. mulai dr ngukur tensi, temperatur, pulse, gula darah, sampe bantuin makan n mandi. kebetulan gw dpt jatah di neurosurgery bagian kepala. most of my patients have brain tumor, some have parkinson, some are paralyzed, some have traumatic brain injury.

actually gada mslh yg signifikan sih sampe skr. major problem gw adlh sometimes gw ga ngerti mereka mau apa. kadang krn mereka ga bs ngmg dgn jelas sbagai efek samping dr penyakitnya, kadang gw mch ngantuk n ga bnr² ngerti bahasa jrmn mrk. secara pasiennya sbagian besar org tua, mereka pastinya ngmg pake dialek yg kuat bgd dr negara bagian masing². oke lah, mereke dirawat di klinikum mainz, tp ga berarti station gw isinya org mainz smua. bbrp org bayern, dan loe tau sndiri org bayern itu dialeknya ky poop, susah bgd bwt dmengerti oleh gw yg kdg lemot di pagi hari. aber ansonsten läuft alles ganz gut.

td pagi gw bantuin 1 opa 1 oma n 1 om mandi. si opa n si om mandi di tmp tdr, si oma mandi di kmr mandi. fyi si oma masih pake kateter bwt pipis dan blm bs jalan normal sndirian, gw blm seminggu praktikum disitu, means gw cukup ngeri kateternya ketarik sana sini trus copot. ada jg yg uda 2 hr gw siapin breakfastnya, genau in dieser reihenfolge : 1/2 brötchen mit butter, quark, und honig. begitu terus sampe 2 ganzes brötchen habis. stlh itu roggenbrot mit butter und 2 slice käse, trus roggenbrotnya dipotong querschnitt. kopinya hrs dituang ke cangkir sampe 3/4 penuh. abis itu dy minum obatnya, trus gw bs bawa tray-nya balik ke dapur. lucu sih. cm gw hrs adjust speed nyiapin roti sama speed dy mkn roti. gada yg blh lbh cepet ato lbh lama, sonst slh 1 bakal ngerasa diburu².

oia. tgl 1 kmrn, hr pertama gw. tmn gw ngajak gw visit pasien yg br autounfall, ternyata dy minta gw nyabut central venous catheter. itu katater yg nyalurin darah kotor bekas operasi claviculafraktur dr jantung lewat bahu. well gw ga nyabut seperangkat jarum yg ada disitu, gw blm cukup canggih. tp pas smua kanüle uda lepas dr sekeliling kateternya, dy nengok gw dan ngmg : would u do the honor to pull out the catheter ? bhoaaa geil ! it might sound yuckie dan eww, aber egal (:

naja. too tired to write more. but i promise i will. oia. mch ada 1 ujian tgl 17 ini, gw br bljr sdkt bgd dan gw freaked out. bahannya amit² banyaknya, i dunno where to start. wish me luck, fellas !

tumblethought 5

2010-02-28T19:22:00.002+02:00

how to define love ?

it could be a gift (engl.) : present
it could also be a gift (deut.) : poison

so. is it a present or a poison ?

tumblethought 4

2010-02-11T14:12:00.004+02:00

i dreamed last night. i have two options this morning :

a. go back to sleep and continue my dream
b. wake up and chase my dream - make it real

someday at christmas

2010-02-11T13:40:00.003+02:00

christmas ist vorbei since almost 2 months ago. but its snow here everywhere, it feels like christmas everyday. except there is no tanenbaum oder weihnachtsmarkt. no maronen und mandeln no glühwein. but there is snow. and hope in every man's heart. like we are locked in time.

the day i left ist vorbei since 30 months ago. but it feels like im home everyday. with mom around, helping hands of stranger, laughs among friends. i failed one of my exams, it feels like i failed on one subject at school. no regrets. there will always be shoulders to cry on, hands to wipe tears, and people to laugh with. i dont regret anything. anything that happens in life, not only mine - but also others, happens for a reason. it doesnt matter. they push u down, u bounce back. its like dribbling a basketball. or chewing a buble gum.

the day i fell in love ist vorbei since 9 months ago. but i still fall in love with that guy. my heart beats for them. i mean not only for that guy, but also other people i love. my heart beats for me. for those unfinished tasks. for uncountable ways in front of me. for billion pages about stories of life. for hope. for another day at christmas. dude, dunno what am i gonna be without u. dont go. cuz if u go, who else would be my dearest friend ?

the day i was born ist vorbei since 246 months ago. it never feels the same by the time u have birthday. u know ur gonna have another birthday, and another next year, and anothers next years. until someday u wont anymore. ur tasks are finished. ur steps are steady. ur stories are done, it ends happily. ur hope is fulfilled. and everyday becomes christmas day.

un jour parfait (:

lost in space

2010-01-28T21:30:00.003+02:00

as usual i dont have any extraordinary story to share

kadang hidup bs jd sangat kosong sampe kita bingung hrs di isi sama apa. setiap tarikan nafas, setiap langkah kaki, setiap detak jantung, ga bs ngasih bocoran tentang hari² kedepan. cuma yg pasti nafas harus terus ditarik, kaki harus terus melangkah, dan jantung harus tetap berdetak sampai akhir.

dan saat keadaan sangat ga bersahabat sampe loe pgn berhenti bernafas, kadang gada yg bs dilakukan selain tetap menarik nafas lebih panjang drpd sebelumnya. kontradiktif ? ya. cliche ? sangat. cape ? gw juga. tapi memang blm waktunya kita berhenti bernafas, masih bnyk hal yg hrs dicoba, masih bnyk cerita yg hrs ditulis, masih bnyk kesempatan yg hrs diraih, masih bnyk tawa dan air mata yg menunggu dikeluarkan.

one after another, one after another
c'est la vie and que sera sera

if

2010-01-18T20:57:00.002+02:00

if i could turn back time, i would like to talk with u ofter.
if i could turn back time, i would kiss u not just once in the morning, but every time i could.
if i could turn back time, i wish i could not only be ur daughter, but also ur friend.
if i could turn back time, i would tell u all my stories, about life, campus, secrets, happiness and sadness.
if i could turn back time, i would ask ur opinion about boys around me, which are good and which are bastard.
if i could turn back time, i wont have this undescribable feeling about u, cuz i would have known u better.
if i could turn back time, we wont only talk for 15 mins on the phone every 6 months, maybe one hour every weekend.
if i could turn back time, u would call me 'my daughter' since i was born, not since 2 years ago.
if i could turn back time, i would say that i have two most important things in life, not one.
if i could turn back time, i would respect u the way u deserve, not like this.
if i could turn back time, i would proudly introduce u to my friends.
if i could turn back time, i would cry when i miss u in a sudden, just like when i miss mom.
if i could turn back time, i wouldnt feel too late to know u.

if i could turn back time, if i knew u better, i would tell everyone, i have the best man in the world.

2010

2010-01-03T21:47:00.004+02:00

wow. long time no type, dear blog. yes i miss u quite much. just that i cant tell u anything anytime, people come here sometimes to get some quick updates from u about me. but yeah, u are still one of my best friends (:

u remember when i told u about christmas ? guess what, i got what i want. was home for christmas, with mom and grands and aunties and uncles and cousins and friends and *almost forget* dad. most of them complained me, they thought i stayed way too quick. well what can i do, campus starts again this monday. but tell u what, home for christmas wasnt as smooth as i thought.

as people said, theres always a price to pay. and so was this christmas. not only that 550 euro i paid for the ticket, but also those tears, those fights, those hard feelings. i was home for christmas because they set me to. who they are, u dont have to know. but the point is, they were trying to tell me something. it wasnt easy though, but i got what they mean. and just like the life goes on, i go on. without knowing whats gonna be. without having a clear vision about the future like i had before. without fear, because i wont take it for granted.

and as christmas went by, i gotta go home. nope, im not mistaken. this underground room with its yellow lamp is my home. that river is my sanctuary. we cant have two houses at the same time, we have to choose. just like when people gotta take one decision after another. some of them are easy, some are very difficult that u almost give up. so i made choises, i took decisions, i picked my own ways, i said my words, i paid for what ive done. i do all those things here, in my home, where i have to walk along the way in winter spring summer and fall. not there, where i drive my own car or even get a driver.

i know, maybe u dont get what im trying to say. i dont talk directly to the point. dont ask me to, because as i said, people come here sometimes to get some quick updates from u about me. i dont want them to understand. i just need to tell u whats in my mind and how tired i am. yes im tired. as i was too, 5 years ago. 5 years ago i was 15 and stupid. now im 20 and still not that smart. i still get lost sometimes, i have to admit. but at least im home now.

christmas a la moi

2009-12-02T20:10:00.006+02:00

gw ga pernah menghitung hari. gw cm merken oh uda dingin lg, uda mw winter. dan yeah, tanpa sadar skr uda bln december. natal uda menari² ddpn mata. natal ke 3 tanpa tmn² n keluarga. natal ke 3 tanpa tgs misdinar or choir di grj. natal ke 3 tanpa gerimis hujan slama misa di tenda. natal ke 3 tanpa ngucapin merry christmas, ma scr lgs ke nykp. gleichzeitig natal ke 3 di negara 4 musim. natal ke 3 dmana stlh misa n kluar grj loe akan dsambut sama wangi glühwein, mandeln n maronen, and maybe snow. natal ke 3 dmana gw ngmg ke diri sndiri have urself a merry little christmas, stella. sbntr lg musim semi ko, tenang aja.

bnyk tmn² yg ngmg : enak ya natalan dsana, bs ngerasain white christmas, pasti seru. in fact, natalan sendirian di negri org itu ga sll enak. someway loe akan ngerasa sedikit miris *ato bahkan sampe sirik* ngeliat anak² kecil ato seumuran loe jln² di weihnachtsmarkt sm keluarganya. foto² bahagia, cherishing the moment, makan bersama a la eropa, ntn tv di ruang keluarga yg kl dr luar keliatannya angeet bgd. smntr gw ? gw mch berdiri di udara terbuka, jalan kaki plng krmh, kedinginan, kesepian, sendirian. ada sih bbrp tmn gw dsini yg natalan jg. ga bnyk jumlahnya, tp ada lah bbrp. but the point is, mereka² yg natalan brg loe di negara perantauan ga akan bs gantiin posisi mereka² yg loe tinggal di negara asal. pada titik ini, saat ini, gw muak natalan di negri org. gw bosen natalan sendirian. gw pgn natalan with the whole family. gw mw natalan drmh, di lingkungan yg uda gw kenal sejak kecil. gw kangen macet²an pas nunggu antrian mobil kluar dr grj. gw penasaran gmn rasanya natalan di grj paroki yg br jd. gw gerah pake winter jacket ke grj instead of baju yg gw suka.

mengeluh ? iya, gw sedang mengeluh. gw pgn bgd christmas a la moi. harusnya sih natal kali ini menarik. selain beda kota, beda juga stimmungnya. dtambah lagi kali ini gw ga sendirian. naja. berbahagialah kalian yg bs ngerasain natal scr utuh (:

have urself a merry little christmas, stella !

sunday morning

2009-11-15T13:22:00.002+02:00

well. dunno where to start.

hari ini, stlh 4 bln trakhir gw hampir lupa gmn rasanya bangun pagi pas weekend tanpa pegel krn ngerokin es krim 3 hari berturut", i get my first free weekend. saat dmana loe bangun tanpa buru" mandi n brgkt kerja. saat dmana loe pny quality time bwt erholung after tiring weekdays. saat loe menikmati setiap tegukan susu coklat hangat sambil dgrin youtube dan chatting, ngobrol ksana kmari tanpa arah, topik, dan konklusi. saat dmana otak loe bs berpikir sdikit lbh normal dan santai, tanpa mengesampingkan fakta bhw bsk sudah hari senin, dan loe hrs mulai sibuk kuliah lg.

ngobrol ksana kmari tanpa arah itu menstimulus otak pujangga gw hari ini. saat gw mendadak sadar, setiap detik yg gw jalanin dsini adalah bagian dr proses pendewasaan. gw gtw skr gw ada d tahap mana dan mch ada brp tahap lagi yg hrs dlalui. saat gw mendadak sadar, scara ga lgs waktu meminta dan memaksa kita untuk menjadi dewasa. entah dewasa pada waktunya, sebelum waktunya, ato mungkin terlambat sama sekali untuk menjadi dewasa. yg pasti, loe ga akan sadar kl suatu saat nanti tnyt proses pendewasaan itu sudah selesai. loe cm akan menemukan diri loe, berdiri entah d crossroad yg mana, menjalani hidup loe sebagaimana mestinya, mendadak menyadari kl loe sudah dewasa. dan baru ngeh kl tnyt point 'proses pendewasaan' itu sudah waktunya dcoret dr checklist kehidupan loe.

everybody needs a change
a chance to check out a new
but u are the only one to see
the changes u take urself through

dont u worry bout a thing - stevie wonder

are we human ? or are we dancer ?
my sign is vital, my hands are cold
and im on my knees, looking for the answer
are we human ? or are we dancer ?

human - the killers

2 lagu yg hr ini ada d top playlist gw. yg 1 menolong gw untuk tetep yakin kl smua hal yg sedang dan akan loe laluin akan berlalu dgn baik" saja. loe yg nantinya akan melihat sudah sejauh mana loe berjalan, point apa aja yg bs dcoret dr checklist loe. u take urself with u, taking a chance to make a change. yg 1 lagi scr ga lgs membantu gw untuk stay on the right path. stiap manusia pada dasarnya pasti pgn pny hidup yg sesuai dgn idealisme msg". tapi saat idealisme itu bersentuhan sm realita, loe hrs bs flexible ngikutin arahnya. ga bs cm duduk manyun mengutuki realita yg ga sesuai sm harapan. ga bs terus"an hidup d awang" ke-idealisme-an. sperti apapun realita yg ada, loe hrs bs memanfaatkan itu sebaik mgkn untuk mencapai sesuatu yg maximal, dlm keadaan yg plg minimal sekalipun.

we are a dancing human. kita menari ngikutin irama yg dtawarin oleh hidup ke kita, sperti apapun iramanya. monoton, dinamis, jazz, rock, kita hrs cepet" ganti gaya saat iramanya berubah. butuh tingkat flexibilitas yg tinggi sampe loe bs menyelesaikan tarian loe, seiring loe menyelesaikan hidup loe. dan loe sndiri yg hrs mutusin apakah loe akan take the chance to change ur rhythm of life.

ga akan pernah ada pelajaran ttg sex yg diajarkan secara sangat gamblang oleh guru"nya. sama seperti ga akan pernah ada pelajaran ttg hidup d sklh ato d kmps. supaya loe tau, posisi sex mana yg plg ok bwt loe, loe hrs explore, mencoba, n menemukan sendiri. sama seperti loe ga akan tau gmn cara yg plg bnr untuk menghidupi hidup, kecuali loe bljr untuk menjalani itu terus menerus, berkompromi dgn realita, mengganti iramanya berulang" sampe loe nemuin irama yg plg pas. untuk 2 hal itu ga akan pernah ada mata pelajarannya, itu persamaannya. bedanya cuma sex terlalu manis untuk dinikmati dan hidup terlalu pahit untuk dijalani. tp untungnya 22nya saling melengkapi satu sama lain (:

abend prayer

2009-11-09T20:00:00.003+02:00

oh please please dear God

treat him well.
take a very good care of him.
keep him warm during these cold and windy days and nights.
put the spirit back to its place.
light up his path.
bring back his health.

well the last thing is the most important one i guess (:

cucupost*

2009-11-03T15:59:00.003+02:00

gw ada pause 2 jam antara anatomie n seminar fisika. krn otak menolak untuk diajak kerja sama bkin protokol praktikum, online-lah gw d bibliothek. anw intermezzo, gw br pindah rmh lg. kamarnya d underground, dapur n kmr mandinya jg underground. yeah, skr gw student merangkap tentara gerilya. rumahnya ada d antara kebun kebun. depan kebun sayur n buah. kiri kanan kebun bunga. belakang ada taman gt. plus traktor n motor gede gede pny vermieter gw. kl malem ada jangkring kl pagi ada anjing. dsini gada ayam, dingin soalnya. hahah.

special thanks bwt yg bantuin pindahan, ngangkatin koper 2x turun naik lantai 3. trimakasih untuk jasa kulinya. semoga KFC bisa membayar lunas hasrat loe akan makanan stlh kerja rodi mindahin brg gw yg ga banyak. seriously barang gw smskl ga banyak. yg bikin berat cm buku pinjeman perpus aja yg tebelnya nyaingin buku paket fisika karangan marthen kanginan itu. tali shoulder bag sampe putus gara² dpake bwt ngangkut smua buku perpus auf einmal. maaf ya. nanti gw gantiin deh :p

eh seriusan loh gw musti kudu bljr bhs latin. idihh. amitamit dah. mana dosennya perempuan br umur 30an gt. muda cakep uda diplom pula. tp sayang ngajarnya bkin ngantuk. spanjang terminologie gw cm bs nganga sambil bolak balik script berharap kl kata² ajaib itu dsentuh pake jari bakal keluar translate-an dr google. maklum kebanyakan bergantung sm internet. heheh.

dan barusan mainan sm tengkorak d institut anatomie. dsuruh nempelin nama latin di tulang yg benar. astaga. trus dkasih abbildung² gt n dsuruh nentuin itu dorsal ventral proximal distal caudal cranial, dexter sinister, sagital frontal transversal. hargh ! ngmg kiri kanan auf deutsch aja mch belepotan ini dsuruh pake latin. mending kasih gw GPS biar gampang. trus minggu depan ktny tutor gw mw bawa präparat mata ato jantung. dan dy mw nyari ginjal beneran bwt tutorium bln dpan. dan sebelum natal akan d usahakan spy bs masuk anatomiesaal. which means we would probably meet the cadaver. yippie ! *pdhl dlm hati gemeteran*

*curi curi posting

two last wishes

2009-10-17T22:15:00.004+03:00

quick updates from me :

a. winter comes ! 2 hr yg lalu bhkn uda saljuan dsini. parah parahh. gw br ngerasain 2x winter sih dsini. tp seinget gw 2007 n 2008 tuh salju br mulai turun pas december deh. pas gw d frankfurt malah saljunya minim scara dsana penuh sm kantor rumah n mobil. which means kalopun saljuan, saljunya ga akan numpuk bgd karena tanahnya panas. geez. global warming bnran nii. ayo donk do something ! gamau kan kl abad depan kita smua hrs ksana kmari sambil berenang n pake masker oksigen krn es d kutub pada cair smua ? ato kebayang ga kl nanti indo tenggelam ? huff

b. holiday ends ! stelah 3 bln penuh ongkang ongkang kaki n kerjaannya cm makan tdr online jalan² ngabisin duit, akhirnya dtg jg tuh the real life *or the real hell*. mulai lg kuliah pagi sampe sore, ngerjain tgs ga putus², ngedumel kanan kiri krn ga ngerti dosennya ngmg apa, minjem buku setebel² batu bata, ngafalin script, etc etc. dan dgn gw pindah jurusan berarti makin beratlah tanggung jawab yg ada. heheh. tp yaa scara gw bercita² masuk jurusan itu, harus dnikmati lahh. kita liat hasilnya 3 taun kdepan (:

c. vermieter sialaan ! sprechstunde mundur 2 minggu, trus sekalinya dy blg gw hrs tlvn hr kamis, eh orgnya mlh urlaub k nordsee. busett. winter gini urlaubnya ke nordsee deh. pulang² bau amis br tw rasa loe. cepet pulang woii. gw uda gatel pgn tanda tgn mietvertrag nii

d. ada bbrp org dan tmp yg sminggu ini mampir ke kepala gw. dan modelnya sangat bervariasi. mampirnya pun ga pake permisi. ada yg bikin gw inget simply krn dgr suara knalpot mobil, ada yg bkin gw deja vous krn dgr ada org yg ngmg dgn intonasi yg biasa dpake sm dia, ada yg bkin gw bengong sndiri stlh ga sngaja liat fotonya, ada yg dgn cueknya jd cameo d mimpi gw, and some more. why cant we turn back the time ?

e. john legend lg jd juara d playlist gw. heheh. dont u worry bout a thing, where did my baby go, sun comes up, stay with u, n bbrp lagu lg yg gw ga inget judulnya. kpn dia konser d jerman ya ? pgn ntn deh gw *impulsiv* halahh, ky kbanyakan uang aja loe teii

f. sometimes i hope that time could stop ticking. bukan krn lg bnyk pikiran ato ga pgn liburan berakhir, tp yahh. this could be one of the best time in my life. wish i could still working while studying, wish i could have more time for those people around me, wish i could knock at my moms door and say hello even just for a second, wish i could have my car here, driving around when its too cold to walk, i wish i wish i wish. well i guess i have too many wishes to be wished (:

g. plng kerja kelaperan, mch hrs numpang mandi dtmp tmn, pulang jalan kaki krmh ngelawan angin, someway bkin gw miris sndiri. two last wishes for tonite : berharap keran air panas kmr mandi gw cpt betul spy gw bs mandi drmh dgn tentram tanpa hrs numpang dan berharap cepet dpt wohnung baru spy bs pindah. geez ich brauch unbedingt eine wundertat !

trashtalking

2009-10-05T21:04:00.002+03:00

selesai sumpah serapah sama schlemmerfilet yg gatot, iseng gw ngrefresh twitter. then i found my friend, anggana bunawan just wrote smthg at joko anwars twitter. tergelitik krn inget omongan ttg org yg bakal jalan kaki bugil ke circle K kl followersnya mencapai 3000 itu, gw klik namanya. then i found his blog.

honestly gw sm skali gtw siapa joko anwar. ga ngerasa pnh dgr ato baca namanya dmanapun. but back then, reading his blog while enjoying an unenjoyable schlemmerfilet helped me to finish the dinner. some good read will always do. feels like find another abwechslung from my super boring day. unter der woche während der ferien kerjaan gw ya bgini aja. bgn jm 10an, skt gigi cuci muka, online. poop, beresin kmr, online. ga breakfast lgs loncat lunch, telvonan, online. chatting sm anak² kl mrk lg ga sibuk, makimaki cuaca yg mulai ga friendly, ngcheck kurs euro, online. well bwt check kurs euro aja otomatis gw hrs online. brarti memang seharian gw ga bs jauh² dr laptop. dan herannya dengan asupan vitamin A yg sangat minim, mata gw ttp resist sm yg namanya kacamata. gigi gw jg gada yg bolong. klamaan ol dan gigi bolong kyny emank gada hubungannya. aber egal.

trus hp gw bunyi dan masuklah sms dr nykp. she was goin to sleep and told me that she'll out for swimming class tomorrow morning. geez. my very bery lovely mom. 45 years old. having a swimming class. pagi pagi buta pula. knp pagi² buta ? krn kl uda siangan dikit bakal ada bnyk kutu² bocah yg mw berenang jg dan dy jd ga PD krn bodynya uda ga sebohay gw. ga deng. krn kl kutu bocah itu uda pd msk kolam renang, mnrt nykp akan tercipta gelombang² air yg bkin dy jd ga bs berenang maju. dy ngrasa arah renangnya berubah 90° kesamping. ok teori yg ckp bagus mam. oh one more thing : dy ga berenang sendirian melainkan dtemani buaya buaya lucu piaraannya. ga deng. dy renang brg geng centil yg isinya ibu² rumpi lincah lainnya. astaga kl gw jd trainernya ibu² itu, gw lbh milih bertahan 2 jam dgn gaya batu d dasar kolam drpd ngadepin ibu² segambreng. tp trainer nykp n geng rumpinya itu enjoy² aja tuh. knp ? krn dy sndiri berjenis kelamin perempuan walopun ga tll suka rumpi. mgkn krn uda kbanyakan nelen kaporit.

kl ada yg mulai bertanya² knp mndadak tercium bau sampah dr monitor yg menayangkan blog gw ini, janganlah cemas kawan. postingan gw ini, just like my other old posts, memang selalu nyampah. alasannya adalah karena :
a. gw uda bosen liburan melulu dr july kmrn
b. gw uda ga betah pgn pindah dr rmh yg skr
c. gw uda pegel drumah trus snin - jumat without doing anything usefull
d. gw br tw kmrn, walopun uda feeling dr september, kl arbeitsvertrag gw ga dperpanjang
e. gw ga betah sm herbst kali ini apalagi winternya - must be tod kalt
f. gw sangat gespannt sm semester kali ini - apakah ujian gw akan lulus smua just like smstr kmrn ?
g. anw ujian, gw br liat rata² nilai gw scr kseluruhan d website kampus td siang n kaget menemukan 2 buah nilai 1. zoologie dan zellbio. amazing. mengingat kl vorlesung zellbio kerjaan gw tdr dan kl zoologie gw motongin hewan. hahah
h. gw harap harap cemas liat angka konto gw - nungguin gaji mode : on
i. gw kangen nykp, kangen rumah, kangen buddies, kangen si hitam
j. gw kangen dpeluk sm si 10 mei - dan bodohnya lg dy blm ada inet sampai sekarang

dan sekarang gw multitasking twitter - blog - ym - fb. trus akhirnya bingung sndiri mana yg mw dduluin. tp kyny chat lbh mnarik deh. hahah

random notes

2009-10-03T12:00:00.003+03:00

11.05.09
kita bisa kan ? kita mw mncoba bljr spy jd bisa kan ? gw mw ko, mencoba ngertiin hal² dr loe yg gw blm ngerti skr. loe jg mw kan ? gw siap ko, ngadepin obstacles yg ada ddpn nanti. loe jg siap kan ? teamwork yah ! gw akan bantuin loe bgn saat loe jatuh ko. gw siap nampung cerita² loe, either good or bad. u got, u get, and u'll always get me on ur back.

19.05.09
i dont mean to make ur day become worse. just wanna tell u how i feel. maybe u wont ever read this but its ok. i'll just keep it for myself. so later, if we get problems, i can reflect from this paper. there will be time and i'll show u this and another papers with their stories about u, and me, about the path we've through, about anything. cuz u are worth to fight for dear.

26.05.09
wow 5 hr lg bln mei slsai. feels just like yesterday when i saw u in the airport. taking picts at main. seminar geje d nürnberg. etc. and when i look back, it was almost a month ago ! welcome june, welcome klausuren, u are going to fh soon, summer holiday (worauf ich mich so sehr freue) and my birthday (unimportant) are near ! hahahah.
if u need ur private time, just let me know. gw gmw jd penghambat loe. gw mw loe maju hari demi hari. u arent alone and u'll never be. we are here for u, hand in hand.

18.06.09
too rude to be written

25.06.09
well itu sbnrny ga mnjawab pertanyaan krn die frage lautet : was hast du so gemacht dass ich mich auf dich auffallen lasse ? well. maybe cuz u did nothing. neither did i. kita sama² effortless to get closer miteinander. till i saw u. yes i think and i believe i see u indeed. i cant explain cuz im not sure what i see. but i see u through and i see the real u. and i just fall in love with u.

16.07.09
u have done ur best so far. and u deserve the best things too, like i have told u once in the old chat. see ? die sind vorbei, u succeed, u survive, u stay sobber in one piece. damn im so happy for u ! now its my turn. dann haben wir unsere ferien. lay down lazily on the grass, enjoying the windblow, watching the cows eat - ok yg trakhir ga relevant. aber hauptsache FERIEN !

irgendwannmal aber neulich
tjaa. kl bgini lg, loe inget kita aja lah. inget smua yg uda djalanin. for all its worth.

yeah, for all its worth baby

midnight

2009-09-27T00:58:00.002+03:00

tengah malem, sendirian drmh, dtemenin mocca yg terus menerus drepeat, pikiran gw mulai kemanamana..

mikirin rumah, kangen nyokap, pengen tdr dkmr sm dia, d kiss gnite, sleep on my bed, peacefully (:
mikirin anyo, pengen main k KK lg sndirian, cerita² even gw tw dia uda tau cerita² gw tanpa gw hrs cerita sm dia
mikirin hal² yg blkgn bener² nyita pikiran n perhatian gw sampe mood gw swinging around
mikirin winter yg sbntr lg dtg
mikirin liburan yg makin lama makin menipis

on the night like this, there are so many things i wanna tell u
on the night like this, there are so many things i wanna show u
cuz when u are around i feel save and warm
cuz when u are around i can fall in love everyday
in the case like this, there are thousand good reasons
i want u to stay

yes, im homesick again

mahlzeit

2009-09-22T22:51:00.004+03:00

eh td gw masak hainan chicken rice donkk (: *anyone cares ?!*

sblumnya jg uda pernah sih bkin nasi hainan tp pake bumbu instant home gourmet gt. nah kesannya jd ky hainan chicken rice palsu gt kan. ga bs ngaku kl itu masakan gw. heheh. jd td gw experiment d dapur yg isinya terlalu minimalis stlh dtinggal sm 2 mitbewohnerinnen gw. heheh. i found out kl tnyt hainan chicken rice itu ga hrs sll basah (ayam rebus) tp bs jg kering (ayam goreng)

bahan :
250gr fillet ayam
nasi putih
petersilie - parsley
minyak goreng
minyak wijen
vegetables bouillon
garlic bubuk
garam
lada

cara masak :
a. fillet ayam dpotong² trus dlumurin garlic bubuk, garam, lada sampe rata
b. goreng fillet ayam sampe kuning kecoklatan. minyaknya aga dbanyakin yaa
c. angkat trus minyak yg ada d ayamnya dsisih pake tissue dapur
d. nasi putih yg uda mateng dgoreng asal sbntr pake minyak bekas goreng ayam td. tambahin garam, garlic bubuk, minyak wijen, bouillon, petersilie, dan lada *kalo mau aja*
e. aduk rata, angkat
f. buang - ya ngga lahh. dmakan atuh abis itu

ga susah kan ? tentu tidak krn saya bukan chef hotel terkenal n ga tll hobby masak. cm kl ada occasion tertentu ato lg iseng aja. heheh. gada intension bwt pamer ko. cm mw blg kl malm ini saya makan kenyang n enak. heheh. guten abend leute ! (:

what a day

2009-09-16T15:10:00.003+03:00

oh god oh god oh god !

damn i cant stop grinning n bouncing *just like u, sher*
jd gini ceritanya

gw sakit dr hr minggu. flu demam kcapean abis jalan² kmrn. biasa lah, efek kbanyakan jln kaki n ketawa ngakak. otomatis bnyk angin yg msk k badan gw. nah hr ini stlh gw ngrasa demamnya mulai ga bs d ajak kompromi, akhirnya gw kluar beli paracetamol. skalian beli sup. trus pas pergi, entah knp gw feeling bgd pgn buka kotak pos. tp gw pkr ntar lg aja lah pas plng, skalian kl mslny emank ada surat bs lgs dbawa k kmr. lalu pergi lah gw kluar beli obat

pas uda pulang lg akhirnya gw buka lah kotak pos itu. trus tnyt ddlmnya cm ada werbung selebaran ky biasa. trus gw tarik kan, mw dbuang. dan tnyt dblkgnya ada 1 surat kecil nyempil ktutupan sm selebaran yg lebar itu. amplop altpapier plus kertas warna kuning dr uni mainz tmp gw kuliah skr. gw pnasaran kan. prasaan gw ga dftr apa² lg stlh kmrn smpt dftr ganti jurusan k psikologi. suratnya gw bw naik, gw buka d tangga. stlh naik 1 lantai (kmr gw lantai 3) i freeze. trus senyum² lebaar bgd sampe masuk kmr. trus tlvn pcr n sms nykp. trus senyum² sambil bc suratnya berkali². apakah gerangan isinya ? hahah. better keep it for myself

geez. god is soo damn fucking good !

to do and not to do

2009-09-15T22:01:00.003+03:00

so. first gw mw say sorry for my two latest blogs. fontnya ga bs membesar dunno why. gw berasumsi krn postingannya msg² lmyn pjg jd dy otomatis mengecil gt fontnya spy page formatnya ttp stabil. second gw mch mw share dos and donts slama di prague. just in case ada yg tertarik ksana n zufällig bc blog gw *PD loe tei* hahah (:

a. siapin route jalan² loe. make a to see list. bawa peta. jd loe ga akan garing krn gtw mw kmana ato ada dmana
b. jgn malu nanya exchange rate ksana kmari sblum akhirnya nuker uang. u will get the best rate that way
c. kl gmw buka mulut n nny rate, gunakan mata loe seteliti mungkin. baca papan rate exchangenya dari deket, baca dr atas ke bwh 2x. yakinin kl loe mengerti apa yg loe bc. papan rate itu srg mengecoh. rate atasnya bs 27 crowns pro euro, tnyt itu bwt transaksi d atas 1000 euro. kl transaksinya kelas teri (mslny cm mw nuker 50 euro) ratenya paling cm 17.8 crowns pro euro *sialnya gw smpt ketiban sial yg ini*
d. jangan pernah nuker uang sm org yg manggilin loe d jalanan. never trust them even they say : best rate, boss !
e. masukin minimal 1 tour office. ambil brosurnya. biasanya ddlm brosur ada free city map. lmyn kan, loe bs colong route tournya trus dpt map gratis. gw wkt itu jg nyempil d slh 1 walking tour. hahah lmyn bgd (:
f. kl mw masuk k slh 1 bangunan or cathedral or museum dan loe kbetulan bawa student ID, jgn lupa pilih harga bwt student. relativ lbh murah. uangnya bs dpake bwt beli es krim dehh
g. kl liat brg bgs bwt oleh² jgn lgs kalap beli saat itu jg. loe toh ga cm bbrp jam doank ada d prague-nya. ingetin tempatnya sambil liat² dtmp lain. jgn beli magnet kulkas d daerah golden lane. dsana hrgnya 2x lipat. mnding beli d toko souvenir yg dsampingnya starbucks ddket astronomical clock. dsitu murah meriah
h. beware of pickpockets. terutama kl lg berdiri desek²an d metro or lg berdiri d escalator dan loe pake tas selempang or naruh dompet d kantong clana blkg. pastiin tas loe sll ada d jarak pandang loe n dompet ada d dalm tas. kl sndirian d escalator mnding berdiri nyamping aja. ato kl berdua berdiri ngadep msg². jd loe bs liat org d blkg loe tgnnya panjang ato ga :p
i. gausa lah makan fast food or makanan yg loe uda kenal. cobain smua makanan baru. jalan² skalian wisata kuliner kan jadinya ?!
j. kl ada angka aneh d bill makanan loe, jgn bingung. itu service chargenya, 10% dr bill total. kl ga dgituin waiternya mgkn ga akan dpt tips. kasian :p

segitu dl ya. gw jg bukan expert trip advisor ko. cm student yg br skali ini jalan² berdua k negara tetangga yg dia sndiri ga ngerti bahasanya, ga bw bnyk uang, cm berbekal city map, mulut, urat malu yg uda putus, dan bhs inggris yg kacau balau (:

hiks

2009-09-04T13:09:00.002+03:00

sminggu blkgn ini cuacanya bnr² ngjk ribut. pagi matahari mch nangkring di langit. siangan dikit bisa yg tiba² ujan deres. trus stlh 10 mnt ujannya berhenti. trus sisanya menduung sampe malem. then i realized : summer is over baby. welcome autumn *again* mw gmw, suka ga suka, siap ga siap, gw uda hrs mulai ngluarin pullover n jacket lg. mulai kebawa² angin ksana kmari lg. payungan lg. pake baju 3-4 lapis lg. ngerendem tangan d air panas lg kl abis kluar rmh saking dingin udaranya. hiks.

trus kl uda ky gini biasanya mood lagu gw akan berubah condong k arah mellow najis tralala. bawaannya inget nykp. kangen rmh. pgn pulang ktemu tmn² n sodara². tdr sharian selimutan drmh. males krja males ngapa²in. hadooh. damn herbst damn winter ! tp ya mw gmn lg. resiko numpang tinggal d negara 4 musim ya ky gini. mataharinya dikit. even lg summer pun loe kdg hrs kluar rmh pake jacket tipis slny anginnya ky taik. yaampun matahari indo yg bkin gosong itu bs ngangenin jg loh.

trus ngapain donk ? yauda nikmatin aja. mencoba hang on tough even mgkn hampir ga ada apapun yg bs djadiin sasaran bergantung. mencoba ttp ktawatawa even sbnrny mood lg ga karuan. mencoba yakin kl taun dpan summer akan dtg lg sambil berharap winter akan cpt lewat. beres² rmh n kmr. ok kdgrnny emank ga nyambung. tp kl loe beres² tuh wkt biasanya akan cpt berlalu. it means loe uda melakukan sesuatu yg berguna hr itu. at least berguna bwt diri loe sndiri lah. telvonan sm nykp or sm org² yg ngalamin hal yg sama ky loe bwt skedar curhat. blogging ngluarin uneg². merepet n ngdumel ksana kmari mengutuk cuaca dingin. rajin pake body lotion biar ga kering kulitnya. aduh apaan deh mulai geje gini postingannya.

cepetan donk 2010nya. aku mau pulang ni !

31.08.09

2009-08-31T22:45:00.004+03:00

*lagi ngumpulin niat bwt nulis krn gtw mw nulis apa tp ngerasa hrs nulis malem ini*

semangkuk agar.agar warna hijau filled with green grapes
sehelai kaos hitam di atas tmp tdr
selembar handuk di gantungan baju
sepasang kaus kaki di jemuran
sebotol jus jeruk di atas meja
sekeping kartu pelajar sma dsamping semangkuk agar.agar
sebuah kertas penuh list place to visit, resto to eat
sepenggal lagu yg terus menerus di repeat
1245 gram brain full with memories of conversations

ja ich vermisse dich schon wieder (:

hallöchen !

2009-08-09T00:08:00.003+03:00

hai (:

setelah sekian lama absen krn klausur n main k nürnberg akhirnya gw mampir lg ksini. oh nope. i have nothing special to share. tp just in case kalian tertarik : ujian gw mulus² aja sjauh ini. dr 4 klausuren uda ketauan 3 lulus. amiin. heheh.

skr liburan gw resmi jadi liburan. *naja naja naja*
dan gw skr resmi 20 taun. *ga penting*
dan gw br terima gaji pertama dr häagen dazs. *makin ga penting*
dan gw kena malarindu tropikangen. *mulai yakin gw pny bakat terpendam nulis lirik lagu dangdut*

oia. trip to prague muss leider verschoben werden. ada bbrp hal yg ga memungkinkan gw untuk ksana agustus ini. tp gw pasti ksana taun ini (: anw td gw br liat foto² tmn gw yg br jalan² ke perancis sm pacarnya. hahah. lucuu bnr deh. kapan ya gw bs ky gt ? HAHAHA !

nothing particular

2009-07-20T22:40:00.002+03:00

actually theres nothing particular in these days. just me, my campus life *with its fucking exams*, my job, my bathrooms pump, and the lifes around me. well kurz gesagt : das allgemeine leben. nothing particular. wie auch immer. really (:

tp entah knp malam ini gw jd aga sdikit paying attention sm hal kecil. hr ini dmulai dgn gw bgn jm 11 siang stlh kmrn br plng jm 1 pagi dr kerjaan. bgn krn nykp sms, nanyain gw uda bgn ato blm krn skr uda jm 11 n gw ada klas jm 3 sore. trus makan, cek email, nemu besichtigungstermin dr org yg rmhny mw gw liat bsk jm 2 siang, chatting sm tmn gw d münchen, trus tlvnan sm nykp sampe jm stgh 3 sore. trus gw brgkt k kmps n klas smpe jm 5 sore. pulang, makan lg, tlvnan sm org yg lg asik motongin bawang krn mw bikin soto betawi, download skriptum zoologie, dan zufällig gw liat kluar jendela kmr gw.

laptop gw skr pindah k atas meja bljr yg ngadep persis k jendela kmr. ddpn kmr gw ada deretan pohon maple, yg kl lg autumn daunnya banyak bgd dpungutin sm org² krn bentuknya emank bgs bgd. dan dr sela² pohon maple itu mch ada sisa² sinar matahari sore. ok skr emank uda mw jm 10 malm, tp berhubung dsini lg sommer, mthr mch ada sampe jm 10an. trus liat siluet pohon dgn background langit sore yg bersih bgd plus gumpalan² awan n 1 pswt terbang lewat d atas rmh. nothing particular right ? dtemenin sm chris cendana d myspace n hot chocolate milk, gw yg tdny mw bljr zoologie bwt test hr rabu jd abgelenkt. hey. life couldnt be better than this !

lets put them in a list :

i have a super mom
she can make up my mood egal was mir passiert ist. sie ist immer da. through good n bad times. happy n sad. glück und pech. gesund und krank. laughs n tears. i cant write much enough to describe how lucky i am to have her as my mom. its just.. i love her (:

i have good friends
ga peduli gw lg bete ato seneng, mrk mw aja dengerin curhat gw, dan tanpa malu² permisi jg srg curhat sm gw. kita emank ga sll bs ngch lösung bwt satu sm lain, but at least sampah loe keluar. egal ttg kuliah, pacar, bonyok, dirty secrets, dreams, fears, anything. dan mrk sll menyenangkan d ajak jln. even gw kdg ga nahan sm ngaretnya mrk, but hey. u cant ask for a better friend than those !

i enjoy my school time (or at least until now)
trotz allen klausuren und testat, verrückten dozenten und dozentinnen, ekligen tieren, i enjoy my school. even skr gw lg ada d phase mw gila krn klausur, gw tw gw ga sendirian. n kondisi gw ga lbh buruk dr tmn² gw. td ada 1 yg curhat kl dy ga lulus klausur fisika. n gada nachklausur bwt fisika. it means dy hrs ngulang fisika smstr dpn brg sm math n biostatistik. gw sndiri blm tw gmn klausur math n statistik gw kmrn, but yeah. i have done my best n am twisting my finger. satu²nya hal yg bs mompa smgt gw skr adlh sommerferien (: heheheh. please come soon, dear holiday !

i have a nice job
kmrn ada yg br blg ktny gw lg workaholic dan itu lucu. well itu smskl ga lucu yaa. heheh. ok gw skr krja mlulu even lg exam week. tp kan gw krja cm weekend doank. ga stiap hr 7 jm ky wkt ferien slsai fsp kmrn. well it was worse. krja stiap hr bolak balik ffm mainz itu exhausting. aplg kl loe kena diare dtengah² hr krja loe :p but honestly. im enjoying my work for now. nice peoples, nice payment, nice supervisors, nice place, nice trinkgeld auch. lmyn bgd bwt taschengeld. hahah !

i have all the things genügend
berat badan cukup, tinggi krg 10cm, makanan ada d dpr, gw ga pnh klaperan, uang ada cukup d konto walopun d dompet lbh srg kosong drpd ada, rambut tumbuh normal, poop sehari sekali *eww*, hp flatrate ada, inet unlimited cm 10 euro per 3 bln, housemates ga gila, bantal guling kesayangan d atas tmp tdr, selimut 2 kelipet rapi, kamar gemütlich even tanpa tv. oh ga. gw ga lg pamer kekayaan krn gw smskl ga kaya dlm hal materi. gw lbh prefer kaya dr segi rohani drpd skdr fisik dan nempel d badan. gw lbh seneng mensyukuri apa yg gw pny drpd pusing mikirin apa yg belum gw pny. percaya aja, apa yg loe punya skr itu uda cukup porsinya. dan loe ga akan pnh kekurangan (:

i have u
egal siapapun yg bc tulisan ini. gw bersyukur krn gw pny loe. dan loe pny gw. so we will never be alone in this crowded world. hey kamu. semangat ! (:

bunch of love,
stella

wise words from stranger

2009-07-14T19:47:00.006+03:00

here come klausur wochen ! dan gw mch ttp dgn mood percaya ga percaya ngadepinnya. bisa ga bisa ga. YA HARUS BISA LAH STELLA ! JANGAN BIKIN MALU !

trus kmrn gw nemenin tmn gw nyari wohnung d mainz. ab nächstes semester dy mw ngelanjutin s2 dsini. dan sodara² sekalian. nyari rmh itu makin skr makin susah. egal mw studentenwohnheim oder privat wohnung. kl mw wohnheim nungguinnya bs sampe jebot. kl privat wohnung nyarinya untung²an. banyak yg bagus bgd lage n gebäude-nya tp harganya bikin loe berharap bs bayar miete pake bulu ketek blom lg kl loe hrs byr provition makler. blakhh ! ada yg bagus aja lage gebäude n harganya tp biasanya yg ky gt cepet bgd d ambil org lain. uda ky lomba panjat pinang pokonya. ada jg yg bagus n murah tp biasanya yg ky gt umgebungnya tuh am arsch der welt. buset mw k bahnhof aja bs 30 mnt sndiri. bayangin cb kl loe plng malm dr luar kota uda gada bis lg. mw zu fuß jg uda ogah duluan. ada sih yg murah d tngah kota tp biasanya yg ky gt tuh altes gebäude. yg kl loe injek lantainya quietschen ky mw roboh sebangunan. naja gw ga blg WG gw yg skr perfekt sih. lantainya jg suka squeaking kl d injek n duschbeckennya ada d dapur *dont u dare to laugh*. aber naja. es geht noch. 3 haltestellen vom hbf entfernt, gute busse und bahnen verbindungen, schlecker lidl aldi in der nähe, unter 300 € monatsmiete. what can u ask for more ? tja. aufzug braucht man noch :p aber klein bisschen sport schadet ja auch nicht ne ?

oke gw melenceng dr jalur. jd kmrn kita liat 1 wohnung d daerah gonsenheimer spieß. warm miete 240 € inkl. internet. aber waschmaschine hat man gar nichts. sehr ruhig, angenehm zum lernen, grüne lage und so lala. actually i dont wanna talk about that house. gw mw ngmgin ivanna, die heutige mieterin. dy kuliah sozialpädagogik n skr lg diplom arbeit. sie ist 30 jahre alt. dgn umur segitu harusnya dy uda dpt bnyk asam garam dunia. and she does. we talked for quiet a long time till finally reached the main topic. as usual : life stuff.

kmrn malm dy planning mw kluar kota krn dsana mw ada something like hippies party n tmn² dy dr swedia uda pd nyampe. dan dy gleichzeitig hrs umziehen, einpacken barang²nya, nerima org² yg mw besichtigungstermin liat kamar, dan mikirin klausuren yg rata² br mulai minggu dpan. kl gw ada d stelle dy mgkn gw bs explodieren saat itu. oia plus dy lg flu *dan kyny gw skr ketularan*. tp trus dy mch mw bantuin tmn gw yg mw pindahan itu bwt scanning fragebogen n bürgschaftserklärung, mch nawarin kita buah or tee even kita sblumnya ga knal smskl, mch freundlich bgd, mch curcol, mch smpt promosiin bbrp tmn cowonya yg mch batangan k gw n tmn gw *yg tentunya kita tolak krn sama² uda ky wc*, even dy mch smpt ngch bbrp alamat arbeitsstelle k tmn gw yg sama² interested kerja sosial just like ivanna herself. trus dtengah² curhatnya dy blg, gw lupa intronya gmn, tp intinya dy blg gini

hauptsache muss man immer willen haben weil man davon kräfte kriegt

gw yg tdny cengengesan lgs mingkem. dan mikir. sbnrny apa sih mslh loe skr stell ? stress ujian ? ah ujian kan emank sll stressig. dan sbnrny itu bukan maSALAH krn gada yg SALAH dgn ujian itu sndiri. cm kdg cara kita memperlakukan ujian itu yg salah. jd kita melihat keseluruhan ujian itu sbagai suatu keSALAHan. trus apalagi ? homesick ? yaolo loe br plng 2 bln februari kmrn. jgn manja lah. u just have to wait a lil bit longer till u can see ur family again *even august 2010 is definitely NOT a bit longer*. but hey. there are still thousand interesting things, die du erfahren kannst, during summer n the next winter holiday. whats wrong with another white christmas ? of course theres nothing wrong with another weihnachtsmarkt rite ? glühwein, marzipan schokolade, verdammte dicke jacke, whats wrong with them ? nothing ! *oh yeah am trying to persuade myself. HAHAHA*

yeah. cm berharap yg terbaik yg sesuai dgn effort slama ini. ga cm bwt gw. bwt smua yg lg klausur d uni n studkol, smua yg FSP or nunggu ergebnis FSP, smua yg lg dpt ujian dr hidupnya msg² juga boleh (: semangat !

perfecto

2009-07-06T22:24:00.003+03:00

cloudy sky - blues from soulvibe - fresh fragranced laundry - zoologie script

lernen mode : on (:

tumblethought 3

2009-06-27T23:42:00.004+03:00

you rule your emotion. emotion doesnt rule you.

confession

2009-06-26T19:19:00.004+03:00

kadang kala mengakui sesuatu bisa menjadi hal yg plg sulit untuk dilakukan. mengakui kesalahan. mengakui ketakutan. mengakui kelemahan. mengakui kebenaran. mengakui kekalahan. mengakui perasaan. mengakui kebohongan. mengakui kenyataan. mengakui keakuan.

jalan pintasnya adalah kita menutupi sesuatu yg harusnya kita akui. entah dgn cara apa terserah. entah untuk berapa lama tidak peduli. entah dari siapa tidak tahu. entah apa yg ditutupi tidak ada ide. entah mengapa entah. entah apakah kita sadar sedang menutupi sesuatu atau tidak. tapi saya sadar. saya menutupi sesuatu. menutupi sesuatu yg sudah cukup lama ditutup. dan enggan dibuka. alasannya ? sederhana : karena saya belum mau mengakui.

saya kangen. saya ingat. saya tahu. tapi saya tidak kenal. dan saya enggan untuk bertemu. untuk berkenalan. untuk berdekatan. untuk berbaikan. untuk berpelukan. saya enggan untuk mengakui. saya enggan mengaku saya kangen dia. saya jengah mengingat semua tentang dia. saya menyangkal bahwa saya tahu dia. saya belum mau mengaku tentang semua itu.

12 tahun sudah pergi. yg tersisa hampir tidak ada. karena itu hampir tidak ada lg yg bisa dijadikan pengakuan. tidak ada bekas belaian. tidak ada memori perkataan. tidak ada ingatan pengalaman. apa lagi yg harus diakui ? harus bagaimana agar dibelai ? harus bagaimana agar memori bisa kembali ? harus bagaimana agar pengalaman pulang ke ingatan ? harus dengan cara apa melakukan pengakuan ?

apakah masih harus menunggu ? sampai kapan ? sampai saya tidak tahan ? atau sampai kamu tidak tahan ? saya rasa kamu sudah tidak tahan. karenanya kamu mengaku. tapi saya masih bertahan. saya masih keras kepala. saya masih tidak nyaman. saya masih belum bisa melupakan. dan mungkin memang tidak akan bisa dilupakan. tapi saya membiarkan.

membiarkan urat nadi tangan kiri saya teriris pisau. membiarkan lambung saya terisi obat-obatan. membiarkan kepala saya dipenuhi pemikiran. membiarkan waktu berjalan. sambil mencoba memaafkan. sambil mencoba memberi pengakuan.

ya. saya kangen kamu.

tumblethought 2

2009-06-16T19:28:00.003+03:00

everything becomes incredibly wonderful when u realize how many times left u actually have

well not everybody does, but i do. i cherish the moment. i cherish the weather without caring rain or shine. i cherish laughs. i cherish stories. i dont cherish tears but i cherish the chance to wipe them. i cherish rainbow. i cherish phonecalls. i cherish hugs. i cherish ladybug in my room.

i cherish life

ready ?

2009-06-11T15:54:00.003+03:00

barusan gw chat sm tmn gw dr sd. tp kita br bnran dket pas smp krn gw sejemputan sm dy. jemputan gw itu tergolong exclusive krn isinya cm 2. cm gw n tmn gw itu. heheh. ulang taunnya dy cm beda sminggu sm gw, which means kita pny zodiak n chinese horoscope yg sama jg. tp dr sisi kepribadian, dy beda bgd sm gw. gw bs dblg lbh freak out, berani malu berani mati. dy lbh zurückhalten, lbh lugu menjalani hdp. n spanjang gw knal dy posisinya sll gw yg covering dy dr bnyk hal. mulai dr nyebrang jalan, ngadepin org² iseng, etc. dy emank cm tmn deket gw, bukan sdr gw. tp sdikit bnyk dy ngajarin gw arti saudara krn gw ga pny sdr kandung.

sampe barusan dy blg ktny dy pgn nabung krn mw liburan ksini entah kpn. awalnya gw skeptis krn dr skian bnyk org yg blg mw liburan ksini, yg bnr² dtg cm 2 org. itu jg 22nya tante gw. yg 1 krn urusan kerjaan, yg 1 krn dy ikut euro tour n kbetulan mampir d ffm. jd kl tmn gw uda mulai nanya² hrg ticket n akomodasi plg gw jwb standard aja. tar tinggal sm gw, makan brg gw, loe kluar ongkos transport n hedon aja. tp td pas gw ngmg gt, dy smpt flippt aus n blg kl dy serius mw nabung. gw ktawa, gw blg mnding loe nyari kerja dl lah. butuh circa 20 jt bwt ticket n blnj slama sminggu dsini. trus dy blg mw nabung n muda²an nanti stlh lulus s1 dy bs ksini bnran. yah gw sih cm bs meng-amin-in aja (:

trus omongan beralih k topik bonyok. bsk dy mw lbrn brg bonyoknya. entah brp lama gw ga nny. trus dy blg skr nykpny cerewet, ga ngijinin dy tdr sampe siang pdhl biasanya kl hari kuliah itu dy ga pnh tdr ky manusia normal lainnya. hahah. gw blg itu faktor umur n gw jg wondering gmn kl nanti nykp gw jd ky nykpny dy. well parents do get their turning point, right ? pd titik itu, siap ga siap kita hrs bs melakukan apa yg dl bonyok lakukan k kita. mgkn saat itu nanti bonyok loe uda pensiun n mrk hidup entah dr uang pensiunnya, entah dr penghasilan kita, entah drmn. tp yg pasti keadaan akan berubah. nanti giliran kita yg terjun k kehidupan yg sbnrny. bersaing sm org² lain dluar sana. membuktikan k dunia kl kita itu eksis. we are the part of the world. bonyok nanti akan duduk n ngch petuah² dr jamannya msg². mendukung dan mendoakan. tp sisa medan perangnya ya hrs kita yg melaksanakan. dan itu mgkn ga lama lg.

brp cb umur loe skr ? 20 ? 21 ? gw br mw 20. volljährig kl kata org sini. tp gw rasa gw uda volljährig dr sjak gw msk smp. hidup gw bukan hdp yg gampang. ga ada hidup yg gampang. tp dr skian bnyk hdp yg msk ukuran average, pny gw mgkn msk golongan extraordinary. gesekan kiri kanan, tekanan atas bawah, dorongan depan belakang, smuanya mnrt gw ada d dosis yg sdikit bnyk lbh berat drpd org² kebanyakan. n gw ga mengeluh. gw menikmati sakitnya. gw bljr dr situ. gw mencari way out tanpa bantuan siapa². ga ada kakak ato adik yg ngalamin hal yg sm krn gw anak tunggal. n saat bonyok gw lg messed up, gw hrs cari cara spy gw ttp waras n sobber d antara org gila. bukan brarti bonyok gw adlh penghuni rsj. tp didikan nykp gw emank sdikit keras. gw ga akan dkch tw kl ddpan sana licin n dsuru bwt jalan hati². nykp gw bakalan diem aja n ttp diem saat ngeliat gw jatuh. kl blum berdarah² dy ga akan membantu scr langsung. plg dy cm akan blg : bangun, jalan lagi, lari lagi. kesel ? sdikit banyak iya. tp kasus lari n kepeleset lantai licin itu cm seujung kuku dr skian bnyk kasus yg lbh kejam yg nantinya akan -ato mgkn skr- loe hadapi scr lgs d hidup yg sbnrny. saat itu ga akan ada yg bantuin loe berdiri. jgnkan bgitu, ada org lain nengok n senyum k loe aja uda bgs. we all have our own destination. egal wie, kita hrs sampe ksitu. dan gw yakin from 6 billion people in the world, pasti akan ada bbrp org yg mgkn pny ziel yg sama ky loe. mslhny skr, siapa yg akan jd the winner ? oh everybody does wanna be a winner. sikut²an tendang²an must be part of ur game.

dan dgn umur loe yg skr, loe ngerasa uda siap blm ngadepin smua itu ? ato loe mch asik d zona nyaman loe brg bonyok loe ? drmh, naik mobil pake supir, mw makan tinggal nyendok, mw beli barang tinggal narik² ujung baju bokap ? well u better wake up. sooner or later loe akan ngalamin capenya jln kaki k tmp krja krn mslny public transport lg mogok. ato ga enaknya masak sambil kelaperan krn pas plng drmh gada makanan. ato mirisnya liat org lain blnj² ky bsk kiamat smntr loe mw beli kaos kaki baru aja sampe mikir 2x krn kondisi keuangan loe lg ga bersahabat. ngerasain ky gt d negara sndiri aja uda ga enak. aplg kl loe ngalamin d negara org lain, dmana akan ada jauh lbh bnyk org yg ga peduli dgn keadaan loe. saat itu loe bnr² hrs membuktikan keeksisan loe. struggle to death. berjuang untuk yakin bahwa pasti mch ada alasan yg bs bkin loe bertahan menjalani hidup loe scr total. dan tetap bersyukur atas apa yg loe pny skr. badan utuh ga cacat, otak prima. at least scara individual loe mch capable bwt survive.

gw ga mencoba untuk blg kl hdp dsini susah. cuz as i said, i enjoy every single pain that i have. n gw uda terbiasa dgn hal itu. ga perlu gw ceritain gmn messy-nya childhood gw. cukup gw sm tuhan aja yg tau. tp dr situ gw bnr² bs bersyukur krn gw boleh dpt bocoran ttg gmn kerasnya hidup yg sbnrny. jd saat dilempar ksitu gw ga sampe collapse parah² bgd. plg kaget bbrp menit dan stlh itu otak gw akan bekerja lg sebagaimana mestinya. wake up, u all. buka mata lebar². pasang telinga tajam². u wont ever know whats waiting for u up there. n u better be ready for it (:

healed

2009-06-02T21:32:00.006+03:00

actually i have lotta things to do tonite. but it would be much better if i clean my head first (:

i dont -n i wont ever- know how life works. maybe i want to know n maybe i dont. cm kdg ada bnyk hal yg mampir d hdp loe n loe smskl gtw gmn cara nyelesainnya. n loe sampe d 1 titik dmn loe give up on life for a moment. u just do what u want, do what u have to do, without knowing whats next or whats gonna happened if u do so. time heals u for sure. it just.. maybe u need long time to be healed. why ? mgkn krn saat loe sdang dtolong oleh waktu, loe keras kpala n ngrasa kl mslh loe hrs slsai immediately. u have no time to be wasted. like 24h arent enough for a day.

i was in that position. exactly a month ago my mom realized that i smoke. until now. things started to get ruined. theres no more nice relationship between my mom n me. we talked each other but it was rubish. we got angry. she cried. i sucked. things gone nuts. she didnt trust me. i kinda hate her for acting in a weird way. pokonya gada yg bnr saat kita ngbrl n it felt like im gonna hung up everytime she calls. i gave up on her thoughts. i think i lost her trust. she thought she lost me. she said i wasnt the child she knew for years. wow it was much. well there are still lotta things but i cant write it down in here. just so u know how bad our relationship was. until a friend of mine told me to act like adults do.

she could give u advices. she could tell u her thoughts. she could say what are -for her- right or wrong. but in the end u are the one who takes the decision. u know how are things here goin. u are the one who faces it. if u take an action, u will also be the one who gets the reaction.

jd inti omongan tmn gw itu adalah, jgn pnh mengambil suatu kputusan atas dasar pertimbangan dr org lain yg kurang tau gmn posisi loe saat ini. kl loe uda ambil kputusan, loe hrs bs mempertanggungjawabkan hal itu full scara pribadi. jgn pnh ambil suatu kputusan, trus abis itu loe blame org lain yg uda überreden loe krn tnyt hasilnya ga sesuai sm yg loe harapkan. grow up ! dont be such a bastard. hubungannya sm kasus gw adalah, egal gw mw lanjut stuky ato ga, gw yg akan nanggung akibatnya n gw hrs bs mach weiter dgn akibat itu. gw ga bole blaming keadaan or even org lain. kl tnyt masakan gw pahit, ya itu salah gw sndiri knp gw masak pake pare pdhl jlas² gw tw pare itu pahit. nykp gw bs ngmg sampe berbusa nyuruhin gw berhenti. tp kl gw sndiri gmw berhenti, it wont work. gw akan ttp sll pgn hung up stiap dy tlvn n dy akan ttp curigaan sm gw n keadaan akan jd ga enak terus²an. so its all up to me. mw ttp stuky dgn konsekuensi xyz ato mw apa?

sesingkat itu omongan tmn gw tp sebesar itu efeknya ke gw. so i told my mom what i want. i told her almost everything. i told her im planning to quit by the end of the month. not bcuz of her not for her. its bcuz of me n just for me. i began so i ended. u dont know why i started to smoke so dont u ask me why i quit. n surprisingly she is fine with that. there arent but or what if. there are just yes i trust u n u become that child i knew again. n things went well. we both healed in our own length of time. this is the price i -n maybe also my mom- have to pay. quite much but it didnt broke us. well. what doesnt kill u makes u stronger, rite? (:

girang mode : on

2009-05-22T21:59:00.003+03:00

my day went perfectly fine ! yay senang (: so i finally have a smooth-yet-interesting-and-not-boring-at-all-day after 2 days of roller coaster. und ein paar bemerkungen will ich gerne mitteilen :

a. pepatah hidup seperti roda itu emank bnr. n loe mgkn akan aga susah bwt admit hal itu sampe loe ngalamin sndiri. saat loe uda lulus trial n bs sampe k atas lagi, loe br akan realized kl mslh yg loe hadapin saat itu tnyt ga segitunya. toh loe bs sabar n tawakal ngelewatin apapun itu. contohnya wkt gw 2 hr kmrn rungsing ga karuan dtambah weather yg berantakan amitamit *masa lg panas enak² ada mthr tb² ujan deres pake es batu*. itu yg namanya kesel bingung harapharapcemas gondok pgn marah sedih smua campur jd 1 ky cendol. dtlvn nykp gw sensi. dtambah lg dtlvn sm org yg spanjang conversation kerjaannya ngjk ribut mulu. ih kl gw ga pny belas kasihan uda gw matiin tlvnny. heheh. tp toh hr ini wetternya perfekt bgd. schedule gw hr ini jg smuanya lwt dgn tentram even otak gw rasanya ciut gr² dijejelin sm rumus malthus *sampe skr gw gtw itu apaan* n anatomie siput n octopus plus tutorium inversfunktion. tiba² uda jm 2 n weekend uda jingkrak jingkrak ddpn mata n matahari bersinar dgn dosis yg tepat. yay im free !

b. try to be honest. jujur lah dgn siapa n ttg apa aja. egal gmn hasil akhirnya, yg penting loe jujur dlm bertindak. loe lega, yg dkch kejujuran jg seneng. smua hal itu bs di bargain. loe mgkn akan jrg dpt harga yg sama² enak bwt 2 pihak dlm wkt singkat tp jgn nyerah. gausa tll buru² tp jgn tll santai jg. tell u one thing : barang bgs ga akan tahan lama di pasaran. :p

c. dont u ever be a pretender. ga enak bgd rasanya. loe cape fisik n mental. pada saatnya akan ada 1 titik dmana loe ga tahan lg und du wirst in jeder sekunde explodieren können. trust me itu ga enak bgd rasanya. senyum loe palsu, semangat loe palsu, aura loe palsu, gigi loe palsu *loh ?!* yah pokonya smua palsu lah. loe ky naruh mie rebus d kepala loe n blg k smua org kl loe abis cat rambut jd wrn kuning. hallo. it is absolutely fake n stupid !

d. menjadi lebay sekalikali itu ga rugi. i did it last night n i get the smile back on my face (: emank susah sih. kl loe pd dasarnya pny kepala n otak yg 60% adonan dasarnya adalah batu kali, saat harus lebay emank kyny jijik bgd. eww gimanaa gt. tp one day akan ada waktunya dmana loe einfach hrs bersikap lebay demi keselamatan hidup loe. hahah apaan sih tei ? ya ga lah. sekuatkuatnya loe, pasti ada 1 tempat dalm diri loe yg sbnrny empuk bgd tp jarang kesentuh aja. once u touch it, u will get addicted. yg empuk emank lbh enak ! :p

e. live ur life like u have no tomorrow. cliché i know. u wont get what i mean unless u were once in my position. cb deh bikin seneng org² yg ada d skitar loe. smile at them, ask them how their day was, give them some attention, open the door in front of u n keep it opened for other people *in case u are also passing through* etc. tell u 1 more thing : ein lächeln kostet nichts ! loe cm perlu menarik 13 otot wajah untuk menghasilkan sebuah senyuman bombastis yg bs loe tularkan k sesama loe. sedangkan untuk merengut loe butuh 27 otot wajah. uda gt kl manyun mulu jg lama² muka loe pegel, cpt peyot, ga enak diliat, n loe pny probabilitas plng kerumah dgn pipi bonyok gr² dtonjok sm 1 org yg mgkn lg sensi n ga suka liat muka loe. heheh. coba loe senyum deh. tuh, manis kaan ? ya kan ya donkk ? *eww. im disgusting i know*

uda ah. jd kotbah gini gw. pokonya intinya hauptsache gw seneng. gonna get another great weekend n i wont waste it for sure ! yay !

giant roller coaster called life

2009-05-18T23:12:00.003+03:00

astaga. for the first time here i realized that living alone abroad itu SUSAH. ga gt kyny. yg bener itu SUSAH². bwarghh ! seinget gw yah, bukannya gw lg sombong ato apa, gw ga pnh ngerasa yg sesusah ini sebelumnya.

wkt ga dpt zulassung studkol frankfurt rasanya emank ga enak, tp gw mch bs nyantai nunggu zulassung dr mainz. wkt hrs kerja hampir stiap hr pas lbrn december - februari kmrn emank kyny badan rontok bgd, tp ini seharian d kampus aja bs bkin gw tepar malemnya. wkt dpt nilai jelek pas studkol emank bkin takut ga lulus fsp, tp skr kl gw ga bs ngerjain online aufgabe yg nongol stiap hr rabu stiap minggu d inet tuh gw bs kebakaran jenggot sndiri. wkt kmrn down krn winter dingin bgd n hrs natalan sndirian bwt yg kedua kalinya emank miserable bgd, tp even skr matahari uda mulai srg absen n gw ga hrs pake coat tebel stiap kluar rumah, gw mlh jd sering mikirin rumah n nykp. wkt pertama kali liat rechnung o2 40 euro refleks gw lgs recall kontostand, tp saat itu gw mch kerja n krankenkasse jg mch privat jd mch bs dteken. nah skr giliran rechnungnya dreiundachtzig euro gw mlh baruu aja kündigen dr kerjaan n baru ganti gesetzliche krankenkasse yg notabene ngabisin 65 euro pro monat. whats wrong with u, stella ?

hrsny ini ga jd mslh yg tll besar ya. hrsny gw bs me-maintain mood dgn jauh lbh baik skr krn sdikit bnyk gw uda tw lah gw butuh apa saat gw merasa gimana. hrsny box arrangement-nya uda slsai dr kmrn² statt still in progress ky skr. hrsny hdp gw bs tertata lbh rapi skr stlh nyaris 2 taun überleben dsini. but yeah. shit happens, rite ? n kadang shit itu keraas bgd sampe² loe hrs ngeden dgn tenaga extra spy poop loe tuntas. err. maaf ya. gw jg gtw knp gw mlh menganalogikan sikon gw skr dgn shit n poop. tp bnr deh. gw ga nemu perumpamaan lain yg lbh pas drpd itu. kl stlh baca ini loe jd ilfeel sm tulisan² gw jg gw gada mslh smskl. toh blog gw emank fungsinya bwt jd private trashbin gw walopun gw sadar penuh, nulis d blog itu kadang bs memicu mslh baru. entah org jd asik berspekulasi atas diri loe, entah ada yg rebek bgd sampe nanya² mulu, entah ada yg krg kerjaan bgd sampe ngetrack blog loe, entah ada yg ember trus abis baca dy sebar luasin k org lain *yg ini rada ga mgkn. scara gw bukan org terkenal n gw jg ga pnh ngmgin org terkenal maupun org ga terkenal d blog gw slain sepupu gw sndiri* entah lah. i never really care. yg penting uneg² gw keluar n kepala gw bs jd lbh kosong even bwt sesaat.

mgkn skr saatnya melihat dgn perspektif yg jauh lbh simple. mencoba percaya kl mslh yg ada ddpn kita skr itu cm seujung kuku. next time, next week, next year pasti akan dtg mslh² yg bobotnya jauh lbh berat dr ini. n kl kita ga bs lewatin trial yg skr, kita ga akan pnh bs lulus trial² berikutnya. even a baby hrs kenal sm yg namanya merangkak dl sblum dy bs jalan n lari. and there will always be a price to pay or to be paid. harga yg hrs loe bayar ato ganjaran *bad or good* yg akan loe terima itu biasanya ada d akhir cerita. skr tugas loe cm acting sebagus mgkn ddpn camera kehidupan spy sutradara loe ga hrs beratus² kali teriak CUT ! or spy bayaran loe nanti memuaskan. gmn cara beracting yg total ? well gw gtw. stiap org pny tips n tricks msg² yg ga bs berlaku bwt org lain. basicnya mgkn sama, tp aplikasi n prakteknya bs beda² tergantung sikon tmp shooting loe.

skr gw ga percaya jam d laptop gw nunjukkin angka 22.54 malam. naja. anw laptop gw mch ttp gada suaranya even ga gw mute n systemsteuerungnya jg uda d check. does it mean that i gotta get a new one for me soon ? hahah. ga lah. bwt rechnung o2 aja gw lg mikir² mw bayar pake bulu kaki ato bulu idung. ini mlh sok²an mw pny laptop baru. pamitan yaa. smoga bsk pagi gw mch smpt ngafalin anatomie spülwurm gw tercinta bwt kurztest hr rabu. wish me luck !

addicted ?

2009-05-17T19:46:00.002+03:00

actually i dont really know what im gonna write in here. there were too many random things happened recently n i just cant help to classified them in boxes so i can get more free space in my head. but i got a very nice weekend for sure (: except that part on saturday morning. well its okay its over n lets turn into new page

first i got chemistry n math excercises which should be done before monday and wednesday. and sadly gw belum sentuh satupun. das problem ist einfach nur dass ich drauf gar keine lust hab. ich hatte 3 sau geile wochenenden nacheinander and im still craving for more. i just cant get enough. addicted ? hahah. nur der himmel weißt ! trus apa hubungannya geile wochenenden sm keine lust auf übungen ? ganz einfach : mood gw skr mood happy happy mulu ni. aber hallo. tgl 21 mei gw lbr. tgl 1 juni gw lbr lg. parah bgd gmn bawaannya jd ga pgn nyantai² mulu kl ky gt. huff

anw ngmg² tgl 21 mei. taun lalu tgl segitu gw lg otw k amsterdam k tmp anyo. anyo itu tmn gw sejak smp yg december 2008 kmrn mninggal krn leukämie. wish i could turn back the time, gw pgn bgd bikin foto yg bnyk slama gw 3 hr d amsterdam. wish i could capture more moments with him as long as he was still alive. wish i could be more usefull as a friend for him. its been a year since last may but it feels just like yesterday. sabtu dpan nykp gw ulang taun ke 45. 2 tmn gw ulang taun ke 20. umur mereka nambah lg 1 taun. tambah tua pasti. tambah dewasa n open minded ? nah itu gw gtw deh ya. kdg mind set yg uda tertanam dr kecil is difficult to be ajusted. hahah

dan kadang loe ga harus jalan jauh² to get ur happiness or to know where the rainbow ends. just take a look around n maybe they are sitting down there near ur toe. n yes, i get my happiness. the newest happiness came on friday eve (: what it was, i ll let u all to use ur imagination. im getting sleepy now by 8.50 pm n its not weird. hab fürs ganze wochenende insgesamt nur 10 std geschlafen. hahah. i think i ll finish my hw first before i sleep. well lick u around !

shit maan ! vermisse dich !

19 going on 20

2009-05-14T21:35:00.006+03:00

i am 16 going on 17
i know that im naive
fellows i meet may tell me im sweet
and willingly i believe

i am 16 going on 17
innocent as a rose
bachelor dandies drinkers of brandies
what do i know of those ?

totally unprepared am i
to face a world of men
timid and shy and scared am i
of things beyond my ken

i need someone
older and wiser
telling me what to do
you are 17 going on 18
i ll depend on you



i am 19 going on 20 so whom will i depend on ?

i hate that i hate u

2009-05-12T10:09:00.001+03:00

i hate u
oh i really do
dont ask me why cuz i wont be able to explain

i hate gigling by myself everytime i read ur message on my cellphone
i hate seeing my inbox gets full just with ur messages
i hate myself everytime i have to delete some of them
i hate capturing ur name as one of those missed call list
i hate my heartpulse everytime u call me back again n again
i hate smiling at myself, laughing out loud anytime we talk each other *i know i have no behaviour*
i hate that butterfly feeling in my tummy everytime i see u online

i hate being stuck in the middle of the conversation cuz im running out of words
i hate being dumm n dumber anytime i couldnt understand ur jokes *dont i look like a stupido ?*
i hate being such a stubborn, thinking i wont fall asleep but in fact i do
i hate falling asleep for the thousand times
i hate my brain capacity, why are u so small ?
i hate it cuz i can barely remember what we were talking about last night
i hate talking while im sleeping
i hate everytime u tell me what i actually said when im too sobber to talk
i hate waking up in the morning, realizing that my earphones are still on my ear
i hate realizing i didnt brush my teeth n wash my face last night cuz i prefer to wait for ur call than to see ur number as a missed call as i go to the bathroom

i hate laying on my bed for quite a long time so i can rewind every single conversation we made
i hate sitting in front of my laptop, re-read-ing our chat
i hate wasting my time with this kind of habbit
i hate admiting and agreeing, this isnt a-wasting-time-habbit at all
i hate knowing the probability u will read this post
i hate wondering ur reaction after u read this junk
i hate waiting
i hate observing

i hate u
oh i really do
i hate laying here n dying except u would come n lay n die with me *ok i know its getting lebay now*

sekilas info

2009-05-08T18:20:00.000+03:00

dasar sepupu anehh ! bisa gila gw lamalama di stalker sama dia !

randomized

2009-05-07T11:59:00.002+03:00

yippie ! hahah. gw gtw knp gw memulai blog gw kali ini dgn shoutout ky gitu. camen memang. entah lah. jd hr ini yah, gw bgn jm 7 sharp without alarm or any annoying things like that. i just woke up. on time. trus as usual hal pertama yg mampir d otak gw adalah : ini hr apa n msk jm brp ? ini hr kamis n gw vorlesung jm 8 ct. ct means cum tempore so the vorlesung will begin at 8.15 and not 8.00. kl vorlesungnya mulai jm 8 sharp, d stundenplan akan tertulis 8 st. das wort ist von lateinisch, sine tempore. aha

trus otak kembali ngch ordinary question : hr ini schedulenya ngapain aja ? hr ini hrsny vorlesung dr jm 8 - 12 siang. trus break trus ada tutorium jm 14 - 16 then the campus day would come to its end. sisanya gw lehaleha drmh, bkin tgs, ato arrange schedule bwt mgu dpn. anw arrange schedule yah, recently im thinking about my job. maybe i'll quit. dunno why, gw ngrasa staun lbh kerja mulu stiap weekend tuh cape jg. n this semester i need my time to rearrange my schedule. maybe i'll back to work in summer holiday. nah lalu gw menyadari 1 hal : gw ga akan masuk kuliah hr ini krn gw hrs perpanjang visa. akhirnya gw tdr lg sampe jm 8 trus jm 9 br jln k ausländerbehörde. jm 10.10 visum gw slsai. just in case u are wondering, i got 2 years visa. so im safe now. just have to learn well so i dont have to spend a lifetime in the univ. mslh visum selesai lalu ganti topik k mslh party bwt jumat. hr jumat ini mw ada party kecil drmh gw. tmn gw ulang taun 2 mgu yg lalu n skalian ngerayain itu, kita mw bkin einweihungsparty. itu ky acara open house bwt tetangga² yg serumah sm kita. terserah mrk mw dtg ato ga, tp yg pasti smua org yg tinggal drmh ini d undang. anzeigenya uda dpasang dbwh.

trus kmrn gw br ngbrl sm tmn² gw *fyi gw tinggal ber3 dsini. yg 1 org jerman yg 1 org rumänia* n hal² penting sind schon abgemacht. drmh gw skr ada 5 botol wine n 1 sekt. loe tinggal pilih mw rot, weiß, halbtrocken, lieblich, trocken, aus pfalz, aus frankreich, aus spanien. trus tmn gw bsk sore mw masak n gw mkr mw bawa bruschetta aja. jd entah tar sore stlh tutorium or bsk stlh vorlesungsende, gw mw k rewe blanja blanja. laluu. sabtu gw ada undangan mkn² jg dr tmn gw. so why not ? this should *and must* be another great weekend just like i had last week (: dan bwt kalian yg lg mkr n bersugesti kl weekend ini bkl jd sampah bgd, hey come on ! weekend yg ky gt toh ga cm ada 1x spanjang hdp loe. loe psti uda pnh ngalamin weekend yg krg lbh sama ato mgkn lbh buruk dr itu. n kalo emank nanti weekend loe bnr² bapuk busuk kacrut berat, yauda nikmatin aja. toh mch ada weekend² selanjutnya yg pasti lbh menantang ya kan ?

n wetter hr ini nyenengin bgd. die sonne scheint, es gibt keine wolken, lmyn breeze lah suasananya. bkin loe pgn kluar kelas trus jalan² kliling kota. heheh. gtw knp mood gw smooth bgd hr ini (ato saat ini). nanti sore n nanti malm gw gtw deh gmn. hopefully sih gada kejadian bodoh apapun yg bkin hr gw jd rusak. well i need my precious time. n bwt gw pribadi yah, stlh gw dlempar ksini, gw hrs memutuskan sndiri kpn gw mw pny mood kacrut n kpn gw mw pny mood prima. n gw jg hrs mikir sndiri gmn caranya gw ngedongkrak mood kacrut gw jd prima lg. itu basic thing bgd bwt gw. loe ga bs lg main² sm waktu n keadaan. slh langkah sdikit masa dpan loe bs ancur. n kdg gw ngrasa gw aga menghalalkan sgala cara spy gw bs dpt mood yg ok. gw kdg ga peduli apakah mood org lain akan affected saat gw lg bt. n gw jg ga peduli apakah gw scara sngaja ato ga sngaja merusak mood org lain saat gw lg berusaha ngebalikin mood gw. egal. yg pnting gw happy lg. heheh. sounds terrible i know. but for me, its all about surviving. its all i can do to survive. toh in the end of the day loe akan tumbuh jd individu sndiri². loe berdiri sndiri, mencari jln hdp loe sndiri, mngambil keputusan sndiri, menafkahi diri loe sndiri, n loe menghidupi hidup loe sndiri. there wont be mom dad sisters brothers or friends. they all have their own path. mgkn di 1 masa akan ada waktunya dmana loe sampe d crossroad yg sama dgn mrk. tp loe ga bs stlhny tb² ikut berbelok k arah yg sama krn mrk pny tujuan hdp msg² yg berbeda dgn loe. ah cliché n boring.

tp kl loe tny gw yah. gw gmw cepet² menyelesaikan halaman journey of life yg skr lg gw tulis. gw gmw cepet² tutup buku krn mch ada tll bnyk hal menarik menantang membingungkan yg nunggu gw d ujung jln sana. gw gmw menulis cerita yg slh yg pd akhirnya bkin org yg bc jd boring. gw jg gmw kl buku gw nanti hrs kena editing sana sini berulang² n akhirnya yg siap published cm 20 hlmn doank. gw mw bkin buku yg stiap kali dcetak ulang akan selalu sold out n isinya ga berubah n ga bkin org yg beli jd nyesel. n gw mw saat gw harus menutup buku itu, gw memang uda dalam kondisi siap untuk menutup buku. dan tersenyum saat menoleh ke belakang (:

mau apa ?

2009-05-04T19:29:00.003+03:00

2 minggu blkgn ini ga berjalan mulus bwt urusan pribadi gw. nobody knows except me n myself. knp ya. mgkn krn gw ngrasa gw ga pny tmp yg tepat untuk berbagi mslh ini. mgkn satu²nya org yg gw ceritain cm nykp. tp 2 minggu lalu jg gw ga bs ngmg sm nykp. krn gw sndiri saat itu lg bermasalah sm doi. n stlh itu gw sibuk ngampus, pergi kluar kota, akhirnya td kita br telvonan lg stlh skian lama. telvonan standard antara nykp n anaknya yg lg jd stranger d negara org. isinya cerita² minggu ini, pngalaman, ketakutan, happiness, secrets, dark sides, selingkuhan *oops* hahah. well anything.

so actually posting gw yg ini tertunda 4 jm dr published time yg seharusnya. stlh tutup tlvn ada bbrp kjadian yg tll menarik n sayang kl dlewatin. n somehow gw jg ga bs kabur dr kejadian² menarik itu krn mgkn itu uda tercantum d schedule hidup gw hr ini. in the end ? no regret. gw yakin jalan yg gw lewatin hr ini dmaksudkan untuk menjadi baik. menjadi lebih dr hari² sebelumnya. egal, lebih dlm hal apapun. gw ga menyesal krn sampe hr ini gw ttp blum bkin tgs mathe gw. gw ga menyesal krn hr ini gw sangat tidak produktif. mgkn entah gmn gw tw kl gw butuh energi extra bwt berpikir ttg hr ini. hari yg cm ada 1x spanjang hdp gw. unrepeated. n as usual : ada hal penting yg terjadi hr ini. heheh. se-ordinary apapun hr loe, pasti ada sesuatu yg mgkn dbawah alam sadar loe akan ikut mempengaruhi kelanjutan hdp loe d hari² selanjutnya. n keputusan yg loe ambil hr itu jg ikut bermain. menyesal ? puas ? biasa biasa aja ? naja terserah loe.

untuk ukuran seorang pemikir, mgkn gw masuk kelas kacangan. kacangnya jg mgkn kacang tanah biasa yg harganya ga mahal. n gw ga pnh mengclaim diri gw sbagai seorang pemikir. gw cm anak ga ingusan umur 19 taun 9 bln yg sok sok bijak dlm memandang hdp gw. gw cm berusaha bwt mengerti, knp ada hal² yg ga bs gw mengerti. nah bingung ga ? no big deal, gw jg bingung ko. jd drpd stlh baca blog gw jidat loe pd mengkerut smua, mnding ngmgin hal² yg santai aja. td gw br aja dtanya sm 1 org : mau loe apa sih ? taraa ! pertanyaan itu gw nobatkan as question of the day. bwt org yg ngerasa kl dy td nny ky gt ke gw, selamat ya. hadiahnya bs d ambil d kaiser karl ring 34 plg lambat minggu dpan. panitia tidak akan menanggung biaya apapun.

kalo pertanyaan itu ditujukan hanya untuk hari ini, jwbnny akan sangat gampang : gw mw liburan. gw mw libur kuliah minggu ini. gw mw zeitinsel bwt otak n hati nurani *bwarghh*. knp ? krn mndadak ada bnyk pertanyaan yg slama ini cm muter² d kepala gw tanpa gw tw kpn gw akan dpt jawabannya. n hr ini tanpa diduga dan dinyana, satu² pertanyaan gw terjawab. ato at least gw dpt pencerahan lah. itu dimulai sjak saat nykp gw tlvn. dy blg 1 klmt yg bkin gw merasa 1 beban gw d angkat dr pundak. abis itu gw makan n dimulailah hr tidak jelas gw. i catch up in a conversation with a friend of mine which turned to be another epiphany. egal, apakah pencerahan itu dtg dgn cara yg menyenangkan or in a hard way. tp yg pasti stlh itu gw merasa gw dpt 1 lg free space in my brain. n gw yakin, entah bsk, lusa, bln dpan, free space itu akan kembali besetzt lg. lalu otak gw akan full lg dgn pertanyaan² lain yg ga kalah ga penting dr yg uda ada skr. kpn gw akan dpt epiphany lg ? well gw gtw. but it will surely come someday.

kalo pertanyaan itu ditujukan untuk jangka panjang, jwbnny mgkn akan sangat absurd : gw mw dkch ksempatan bwt mendapatkan sbanyak mgkn hal ga jelas yg ada d dunia ini. knp ? mgkn krn gw tipe org berani mati. hey i need bunch of experience in my life cuz i just get one single life to lived. kl hdp gw sll datar n menyenangkan, gw akan segera kehilangan adrenalin bwt ngelewatin abendteuer of life. lalu hdp gw akan jd flat. untungnya sih sampe skr hidup gw sangat roller coaster wannabe yah. jd gw ga usah panik ga jelas n sibuk nyari gara gara ksana kmari demi sebuah abendteuer. and to all of u, yg sudah ikut berpartisipasi memeriahkan hidup gw, i would like to say thankies.

shit maan. gw mendadak ngantuk parah. so i will definitely catch up with u later for more details about this post. lick u around !

I AM GIVING UP !

2009-05-04T18:28:00.003+03:00

what if we stop having a ball
what if the paint chips from the wall
what if there is always cups in the sink
what if im not what u think i am

what if i fall further than u
what if u dream of somebody new
what if i never let u win
and chase u with a rolling pin
well. what if i do ?

cuz i am giving up on making passes
and i am giving up on half empty glasses
and i am giving up on greener grasses
i am giving up

what if our baby comes in after nine
what if ur eyes close before mine
what if u lose urself sometimes
then i'll be the one to find u
save in my heart

cuz i am giving up on making passes
and i am giving up on half empty glasses
and i am giving up on greener grasses
i am giving up for u

giving up - ingrid michaelson

tumblethought

2009-04-26T18:31:00.007+03:00

kadang

kejujuran itu sifatnya seperti buah simalakama

searching

2009-04-25T14:31:00.004+03:00

i passed my first week at campus as an ersti. it was nice tough, kenalan sm banyak org yg sampe skr gw blm bs inget namanya satusatu. n know what : im the only asian in my class. astaga. und es gab am letzten dienstag eine ersti fette in der alten mensa. es fingt ab 9 uhr an und ich bin dahin gegangen bis 11.30. bin erst um 2 ins bett gegangen obwohl es am nächsten tag um 8 uhr chemie vorlesung gab. hahah. das war aber sau geil (:

i went there as i listened to one of my friends advice. he said i deserve it. do i ? well i dont really know. but it wasnt a bad advice at all. actually a lot of things happened recently in my life. it came so fast that i almost had no time to breathe. one after another, one after another. i havent finish the first stuff yet, and there are already 2 or 3 of them queueing on the line. dan mgkn sdikit bersenang² gada salahnya. toh hidup jg bs kehilangan esensinya kl cm d isi dgn kerja ato belajar. esensi. apa sih esensi hidup ? gw gtw apa esensinya tp dgn pongahnya gw berani ngetik klmt d atas. ato mgkn gw blm tw aja. bin noch beim versucht. n in the end apakah gw akan nemuin definisi dr esensi hdp ato ga, ya gw jg gtw. u know like, ada bnyk hal yg mgkn loe ga akan tw jawabannya ky apa n ada dmn. n mgkn akan sia² jg kl loe slama hidup buang² wkt nyariin jwbn dr prtanyaan² retoris loe itu. es gibt dafür einfach keine lösung. entah perjalanan hdp loe-lah yg jd jawabannya. ato mgkn nanti pd saatnya loe hrs say goodbye sm spatu converse loe, sm makanan² yg biasa loe mkn, sm smua org² yg nangisin loe d sekitar kasur loe yg ukurannya 1m x 2m n ada 2m dr permukaan tanah, loe br akan dpt jawabannya.

pernah ga loe ngerasa hdp loe tll hectic n u need to stop the rhytmus even just for a minute ? well i do. gw pny kewajiban pergi kuliah dr snin sampe jumat. pagi sampe sore. sabtu minggu kerja. dan gw br sadar gw hampir ga pny quality time bwt diri gw sndiri. even bwt santai sbntr n membiarkan otak gw restart n memikirkan hal² yg butuh ketenangan khusus lahir batin. untuk hal precious-priceless ky gt pun gw hampir hrs sll colong² wkt. n dgn sgala ke-hectic-an yg ada d urutan pertama schedule gw stiap hr gw buka mata, gw gtw apa yg sbnrnya lg gw cari. n sesuatu yg gw cari itu jg nantinya bukan jaminan bwt gw msk surga ato meninggal dalam damai. why does it sound so complicated ? wouldnt it be easier to be an ant ? tell me what are u looking for. or at least give me any idea so i can live my life better than i do now. n kenapa pertanyaan kenapa itu hrs eksis ? n knp pertanyaan knp itu cenderung hrs djawab dgn 1 alasan yg msk akal ? kl d dunia ini cm ada yes no questions kyny hdp akan jd jauh lbh gmpg n gw ga hrs jalan sejauh ini bwt nyari esensi hdp gw. n knp esensi hdp itu bs beda² dr stiap individuum ? kl sama kan jd kita gausa repot² nyari. tinggal nunggu slh 1 nemuin, trus kita tinggal contek copy paste aja. then voila, our life is done. but oh yeah. it would be tons of boring-ness kl smua org pny esensi hdp yg sama. ga akan ada lg yg namanya ambisi ato motivasi. smua monoton n pasiv.

n 1 hal yg mkin skr mkin susah gw lakukan : mendengarkan. yeaps, listening. i might be listen to what u say, but listening ? well wait a sec. listening itu pekerjaan yg ga bs dlakukan dlm keadaan terburu². krn slain loe dgr partner bicara loe ngmg apa, d saat yg sama loe jg hrs mencerna n skaligus memikirkan jwbn apa yg akan loe kch k partner bicara loe spy conversationnya ttp anget n jlnny mulus. loe bayangin aja ngmg sm kulkas : dingin, ga akan nyaut apa², plg cm menggeram² aja ky doggy. cape ga ngeladeninnya ? ato ngmg sm org yg sll nyangkal apapun pikiran yg ada d otak loe. kesannya tu org sengak bgd ya kan ? well nyari partner bicara yg sepadan dgn kapasitas otak loe emank susah² gmpg. aplg kl kapasitasnya minim terbatas ky otak gw, yg ada loe cape ati kl ngmg sm gw krn gw banyakan ngelantur n ga nyambungnya. uda gt isi conversationnya akan lbh bnyk rubbish drpd meaningnya.

well gw gtw inti posting yg ini tuh apa. tp kyny ga jauh² dr proses pencarian. yg gw tekankan dsini itu prosesnya yah. bukan apa yg lg dcari. krn gw jg gtw apa yg gw cari. toh slama ini gw puas n senang dgn apa yg gw pny skr. i got what i need. n im thankfull.

choise of conversation

2009-04-19T05:17:00.001+03:00

dunno what exactly keeps me awake this late. but the point is : the weather here is terribly annoying. 8° in the morning n night. 12° in midday ? oh cmon. doesnt spring suppose to be warm n nice ? why does the rain drop ? but ok. stop complaining. toh gw ga bs ngelawan alam. pathetic.

conversation. sesuatu yg blkgn ini lg sering bgd gw lakukan. entah sm nykp, tmn, tetangga, tmn kampus, etc. *sadly not that much with my bf. he is unbelievably busy. hahah* omongannya dr curhat, ngalor ngidul, berat, enteng, ngawang-ngawang, unfinished, full with instructions *dr nykp cuz i got lil accident newly* sampe ngomongin cuaca n jurusan *khusus bwt anak kampus krn sama² maba*. n amazingly gw ga recall smua conversations yg gw lakukan hr itu. maklum dgn kapasitas otak yg jauh dbawah ipod 1G jelas lah knp gw srg bgd short memory syndrome. either long n medium memory syndromes. hahah. trus apa donk yg loe inget tei ?

err. banyak. ada omongan yg sama yg d ulangulang terus sampe gw hafal n bosen dgrny. ada yg ear catchy n sampe saat ini gw blom lupa. ada yg garingnya pol sampe gw nyengir sndiri kl inget itu. ada yg kyny sedih bgd sampe gw bingung : ada ya org yg hdpny sampe ky gt ? wow. mejik. se-mble'e-mble'e-nya hdp gw kyny gw mch bs ktawatawa deh. okeii everybody has their own turning point at which they got to be helped n supported. n i will do as much n long as i can. but hello life goes on. it cant n wont n refuses to wait for u. u have to chase ur life. u have to choose too. u arent born to be choosen nor chased. u are the chooser n chaser itself. loe mw ketawa n live happily itu pilihan loe. mw kbawa mood n emosi terus²an jg terserah. we arent in kindergarten anymore. our playroom is called world now. ready or not u have to face it. in ur own way, on ur own pace, with every-single-surviving-ability u have. u cant depend on a or more people for the rest of ur life. the life is urs. u have to choose. carefully. the life has to be done. almost all alone.

gtw knp gw bacot ky gini jm 4.45 subuh. uda mulai ngaco kyny. ato kpala gw lg nolak bwt berhenti berpikir mgkn. blgkn ada ckp bnyk hal yg kyny mnarik bwt d diskusiin. tp apa daya. mslhny mgkn ada d jarak. dan *juga* waktu. also wie gesagt, egal mw sedeket apa loe sm org, mw nykp bkp pcr gbtn sahabat tetangga, yg namanya jarak akan sll ada. setipis kulit bawang pun namanya ttp jarak. n itu ga bs d ubah. even loe pnh 9 bln ada d perut nykp loe, loe ttp kepisah sm selaput rahim. loe mw dempet²an kl lg brg pcr loe, ttp ada kulit n *mgkn* baju yg misahin. sm tetangga apalagi : ada temboknya plus pintu n kunci. tp mslh gmn loe mw meminimalisir ato justru meningkatkan jarak itu, smua ada d tangan loe. slh 1nya mgkn dgn conversation. cm butuh organ mulut yg lngkp, niat, n keberanian, loe mgkn bs melampaui jarak yg awalnya kliatan unerreichbar. kl mslny krg berhasil ya gpp. at least u tried. u ve given ur best. n ga berarti loe gagal. toh gada sesuatupun yg instant in this entire world. n someday yg namanya perubahan mgkn akan dtg nyamperin loe. n perubahan pasti dtg. krn satusatunya hal yg ga berubah d dunia itu cm perubahan itu sndiri. perubahan itu sesuatu yg sifatnya ewigkeit. tp hal yg di ubahnya itu sifatnya jelasjelas momentan. hr ini loe boleh naik bis. bsk loe naik trem kan uda berubah. n gw gtw n mgkn ga akan tw ada brp bnyk perubahan yg pnh seorang manusia lakukan slama hdpny. unendlich vielleicht ? hahah. nimmt es die ganze lebenszeit ? keine ahnung.. maybe yes.. maybe not..

tak ada yg bisa

2009-04-17T10:50:00.000+03:00

saat kupejamkan kedua mataku
dan ku bayangkan disampingmu
kurasakan slalu hangatnya pelukmu itu..

dan ku genggam lembut kedua tanganmu
seakan takut kehilanganmu
ku ingin selalu hadirmu untukku..

tak ada yg bisa
menggantikan dirimu
tak ada yg bisa
membuat diriku jauh darimu..

tak ada yg bisa
menggantikan dirimu
tak ada yg bisa
menggantikan cintamu
tak ada yg bisa
menggantikan hatimu

tak ada yg bisa
menggantikan dirimu
tak ada yg bisa
membuat diriku jauh darimu..

unfinished

2009-04-16T09:10:00.000+03:00

pagi ini gw kebangun dgn kondisi kaget matimatian. for god's sake gw ketiduran bwt yg ke 3 kalinya saat lg ngbrl sm tmn gw. it was terrible. siapa yg ngbrl sm gw n knp org itu ngbrl sm gw bukan konsumsi umum. yg pasti bwt gw org itu bs jd lawan berpikir yg mnrt gw seimbang n ga boring. n somehow gw bersyukur dkch ksempatan bwt ketemu sm org ky gitu saat skr ini. saat dmana otak gw lg berontak mikir ttg sgala hal yg sbnrny blom bs gw mengerti mekanismenya. tp dgn PDnya gw tabrak terus, gw paksa otak gw yg seukuran kacang polong ini bwt ngerti. hasilnya ? skr gw jg gtw hslny apa. tp at least dgn sgala keterbatasan gw, gw mencoba n gw yakin kl saat ini pun dgn bantuan smua org yg gw kenal, pelan² n sdikit² gw akan ngerti.

sejam setelah gw bgn gw nangis. hahah. knp mekanisme hidup gw aneh bgd sih. kalo tmn gw blg dy pgn pny hdp yg dramatis, gw rasa boleh lah dy nyobain hidup a la gw. gw gtw apa gw PMS ato cm kbawa emosi sesaat krn br balik jerman lg (oh yeah im home anw) tp yg pasti gw nangis krn hal yg sangat sangat sepele. ada 1 org yg br approved friend request gw. dy seumuran nykp gw n anaknya jg lg study abroad. ada 1 foto dy sm anaknya. n dfoto itu dy comment : i love u son. n anaknya pun ngebales dgn love u too mom. 4 kata yg msg² katanya ga lbh panjang dr 4 huruf itu bkin gw mendadak cengeng. kata² yg sbnrny sll ada d setiap ujung sms gw k nykp. yg sll gw n nykp ucapin pas mw tutup tlvn. tp slama ini mgkn gw ngmg ky gt krn itu uda jd habbit aja. ky mekanismenya emank hrs begitu saat mw tutup tlvn. n gw gtw apakah saat kata itu terucap gw udah ngucapin dgn sepenuh hati ato belum.

apa sih artinya cinta ? warum sind die wörter ich hab dich lieb so bedeutungsvoll ? n knp dr hal² yg simple, like short msg in the morning could be a start for a happy love story ? why do people make phonecalls with the person they cant see, the person that so far away physically but so close mentally ? doesnt it hurt ? doesnt it hurt to miss someone n also to be missed in the same time ? bukan krn gw homesick mkny gw nulis ky gini. tp krn irgendwie gw ngerasa gw ga berdaya aja. even org lain blg loe tuh optimistis bgd tei. ato gw suka sm jalan pikiran loe tei. ato loe tuh bnr² bukan mainstream type. but still. gw ga berdaya aja. n posting yg ini jg arahnya uda mulai ngblur n sampah. like i have way too much in my head but i cant say it right. gw lost track sm omongan gw sndiri. dgn gw publish blog gw, ga berarti mslhnya selesai. ga berarti gw tutup buku. hell yeah. ceritanya mgkn akan jd jauh lbh dramatis d ending drpd d prolog ky skr ini. n ky gmn pun alur ceritanya gw hrs berani maju. berani menyendok mengunyah n menelan apa yg uda jadi menu makanan gw. entah dtengah makan gw akan keracunan ato tnyt makanannya hambar, ya itu akan jd tanggung jwb gw. mw gmw d saat ky gt org akan dpaksa bwt puter otak n cari makanan lain. masak ? beli ? terserah. yg pasti skr gw uda hrs siap" brgkt k kampus. lick u around !

cuci otak sedikit

2009-03-18T11:09:00.000+02:00

ga berasa bgd gw uda sebulan aja d indo. minggu ini minggu ke 5. sisa 3 minggu lagi trus gw hrs balik k jerman. trus gw ky flash back gt skr. 3 minggu yg lalu gw mch rungsing bgd dsini n ribut ga betah n pgn balik jerman. tp exactly stlh 14 hr gw d indo mulut gw mingkem n gw ga pnh protes lg. the 3rd week went perfectly fine with java jazz festival. n the 4th flew by together with the primary school reunion. n i have to admit : the reunion was totally great. there were only 33 people but we had a very very great fun time. gw ga nyesel 3 bulan narik urat leher n ngelus dada ngurusin reunian pertama sd gw. say what. it was succeed. heheh. gada yg cengo, gada yg mojok sndirian, gada yg nombok, tuker kado lancar, smua *kliatannya* puas sm kado masing². heheh. n gada yg protes reuniannya garingg. hell yeah.

stlh 2 minggu gw dsini jg gw uda bs settle sm schedule tmn² gw. gw mgkn cm jalan sminggu 3x aber ich bin damit zufrieden. gw jd pny quality time both with family n friends. n gada yg protes krn ngrasa gw lbh berat k 1 sisi. i met my dad n my step bro. i slept over at my grannys house. i went to my grand granddads graveyard. i share everything i do with my mom every single night. i chat with my friends. we make phonecalls. we send sms-es. i went to java jazz festival for the first time in my entire life. i have bunch of quality time with the people i love. n i believe i still will.

but however gw hrs ngaku kalo ga smua waktu yg gw lewatin dsini itu enjoyable. ada 1 hari yg gelap bgd bwt gw. it was feb 25th. hari itu pagi² jm 6 gw d sms tmn gw. n guess what : gw ga dpt studienplatz medizin. naja. awalnya gw plng dgn sdikit sombong krn gw yakin bgd gw akan kuliah kdokteran. hello. nilai gw memenuhi syarat bwt masuk med. n gw yakin bgd itu zulassung akan masuk k briefkasten gw n 6 taun kdepan akan gw abisin dgn ngafalin anatomie. know what. perkiraan gw meleset. bahkan itu ga cm meleset, itu namanya gw jatoh ngusruk luka² d lutut telapak tangan und woanders mögliche. i am hurted. gw ngerasain apa yah. it was undescribable. gw MALU. gw bukan calon dokter lg skr. gw cm akan jadi mahasiswi jurusan biomolekuler. kerjanya d lab. n gw inget bgd itu hari rabu abu. n pagi² gw uda nangis bombay dpeluk sm nykp gw. n gw jg inget pas dbagiin abu, abu d dahi gw *no kidding* tebel bgd. n gw ga complain. biasanya kl abis terima abu gt gw akan dgn diem² apus abunya krn mnrt itu it was sumthing weird. tp kali ini dgn sluruh kesadaran yg gw pny, gw biarin abunya ada d dahi gw sampe gw hrs cuci muka malamnya. knapa ? krn gw sadar kl gw tll sombong slama ini. gw tll PD sm diri gw sndiri. gw pikir smua uda undercontroll. gw pkr gw bs ngontrol smua yg gw mau. gw pkr gw uda sangat jago bernegosiasi sm tuhan sampe dia akan sll mau ngabulin smua draft wishes gw. gw pkr gw bs mengatur tuhan. n abu yg item n tebel bgd itu yg uda ngingetin gw. gw itu cm pemain. penulis ceritanya itu tuhan. pelan² gw kumpulin lagi pecahan² yg kmrn itu sempet berserakan. butuh 2 hari aja sih. luckily i was here with my mom. she help me a lot through all of this shit. n skali lg gw hrs ngaku kl nykp gw itu bukan wanita main². dy mgkn ga pnh duduk d bangku kuliahan. tp dy uda nunjukkin k gw slama gw hidup kl wisdom itu sesuatu yg ga hrs loe peroleh dr bangku kuliahan. ga ada yg namanya mata kuliah wisdom. n loe jg ga harus tua dl untuk menjadi bijaksana. dewasa aja cukup bwt menjadikan loe seorang yg lbh bijaksana dr sebelumnya.

dewasa n bijaksana dalam mengambil keputusan itu slh 1 contohnya. itu gw alamin jg slama gw dsini. sekali lg gw hrs ambil keputusan yg mnrt gw ckp crusial bwt masa dpan gw. bukan masa dpan scara keseluruhan jg sih. cm sesuatu yg hrs gw jalanin dgn konsistensi penuh aja. n dgn komitmen jg. walopun gw jg ga akan segitu ngoyo.nya bwt ngejalanin. dbawa santai aja. toh kl emank jalannya akan ksana, gw akan tau dgn sndirinya. n kmrn itu gw sempet bingung bgd mw gmn. walopun akhirnya gw uda ambil 1 keputusan yg kali ini akan bnr² gw jalanin, sampe skr gw ttp blm bs 100% yakin. yeah. gw br 60% yakin lah. 20% gw mch mw liat nantinya gmn kl gw uda balik sana lg. 20% itu space bwt gw santai².

sisanya gw mw ngabisin waktu dsini dgn lehaleha. kmrn malem gw br mikir : gila yah. gw skr seneng² d indo tp direkt shari stlh gw balik gw akan lgs kuliah. k u l i a h . sesuatu yg uda djalanin sm tmn² gw sjak 2 taun yg lalu. n kmrn malem jg gw br nyadar kalo gw bakal lgs dpaksa ngmg jerman lg scara fluent d kampus tanpa kesempatan bwt recovery dr lidah inggris gw slama d indo. geez. gw bhkn skr uda ga tll bs ngucapin r a la deutschland. n kmrn jg gw smpt lupa kl bahasa jermannya kentang itu kartoffel. trus gmn nanti pas einführungswoche d kampus ?! gw ga knal siapa² loh. tmn gw masuk biomed which means ich werde ganz alleine sein. err. aga serem yah sbnrnya. tp ga lah. sminggu terakhir nanti gw hrs abis²an mensugesti diri gw sndiri kalo gw bisa. n gw pasti bisa. n gw jg harus bisa. jgn bikin malu nykp gw yg uda susah² nyekolahin gw k jerman. gw akan n harus buktiin kl gw bs bikin dy bangga. even without the med stuff (:

a week

2009-02-22T16:24:00.000+02:00

i think i could manage my own feeling much better by now. gw uda lbh settle dsini. n i wouldnt make it kl gada kontribusi dr org² skitar gw. somehow i could see more clearly right now. i know they are extremly busy n i can understand that perfectly. aber irgendwie haben die mir gestern gezeigt, dass die alle mühe geben werden um mich während meines urlaubs happy zu machen (: dankedanke ! mgkn itu cm hal kecil yg kliatannya simple. tp bwt gw itu precious bgd. n i really do appreciate it.

thanks for listening my prayer. im enjoying my holiday now n there are still 7 weeks to go (:

por favor

2009-02-19T05:55:00.000+02:00

ich will nach deutschland. echt jetzt. its not that i dont enjoy my holiday at all. just like i dont fit in here anymore. it could be a wrong-planned-holiday-at-home. kali ini gw gtw ini konsekuensi ato konsistensi ato mgkn dua²nya. konsekuensi krn gw balik saat smua anak kampus hrs kuliah n gw stuck drmh do nothing except writing on this stupid blog or listening to utube. konsistensi krn my mom told me to go back home n i also agreed even gw tw kl gw balik d bulan² ky gini ga akan ada yg nemenin gw jln krn most of them dluar kota. gw konsisten dgn konsekuensi yg hrs gw tanggung. n gw ngejalanin smua konsekuensi itu dgn konsisten. n skr gw gtw lg apa artinya konsisten n konsekuen. great

n gw mulai mengutuki knp indo hrs pny zeitdifferenze 6 jam sm deutschland. krn gw jd ga bs sms tmn gw bwt nanyain hal yg dr kmrn bkin gw deg²an. n gw mengutuki knp indo cuacanya ky saklar lampu. panas ujan cerah mendung lembab debuan. krn gw jd bersin mulu dsini. well drmh sm nykp emank plg enak. u get all what u want. ok ga smua, but most of them. buktinya gw batal ntn konser ballet tmn gw hr minggu krn mblnya mw dpake nykp gw bwt bantuin urus konsumsi d acara lustrum grj. could u imagine this : nykp loe prefer nganter jmput 5 biji ibu² bwt k pastoran n ngurus konsumsi lustrum drpd minjemin mbl k anaknya yg br plng n uda janji sm tmnny bwt ntn konser ballet ? n gw d drop gt aja d grj dr jm stgh 9 siang n pulangnya dbiarin jalan kaki krmh nyebrang jalanan yg ramenya ky apaan tau smentara gw mch lmyn parno sm motor n anti sm abang² geje d pinggir jalan ? n nykp br akan plng jm 4 sore which means gw smskl ga pny chance bwt ntn ballet tmn gw krn acaranya mulai jm 4 sore d TIM n how could i reach TIM in just a couple of minutes with this fucking road condition ?! tell me how. gw jg ga akan bs ntn konser yg jm 11 siang krn biar gmn jg itu mobil hrs ada drmh jm stgh 9 bwt dpake nykp jmpt konco²nya ibu² 5 biji k pastoran. geez. why is she so mean ?

fyi i didnt argue with my mom. i keep my mouth shut cuz i dont wanna ruin this-already-ruined-by-a-wrong-arrival-timing-holiday. n i hate him. quite much for being such an ignorance. actually he isnt. but still im sucked. and this stupid reunion. n this wrong haircut. und das auto, das ich zur werkstatt bringen muss weil es komisches geräusch macht. und weil der automatic schlüssel kaputt ist. warum bringt sie es nicht zur werkstatt ? warum bloß ? ist es einer großer zeitverlust, auto zur werkstatt zu bringen obwohl es für ihre eigene wohlhaft ist ? aber trotzdem, sage ich nichts. ich halte meinen mund zu.

i know this should be a power boosting for the next 1 1/2 year till i come back here again. to face the real world in the university. to have something to remember when im falling down. to keep my faith n spirit shine even just a little. but i miss my freedom. i miss my own life without irritating cousins around who keep on looking at u like u are cool or something like that. who keep on sticking around u eventhough u told them not to. it sucks. i never have any brother or sister. this life is only mine. egoist ? jup bin ich. i need no sucker to ruin my precious life. it is hard enough with its ordinary intricts. what would that be if u put another trouble on it ? how could it be so meaningfull if u cant enjoy it ? u have the right to live ur own life in every single way u want to. not to be driven by such a-kurang-kerjaan-sok-sibuk-person called orang tua or orang yg dtuakan. luckily nykp gw ga gt. she is cool i have to admit. just a bit conservative cuz im the only child n a girl. but i like her much. that much to make me keep on coming home cuz she is my only reason.

let me enjoy my holiday please !

and please dont let the rain drops

the first 2 days

2009-02-16T16:39:00.000+02:00

sampe indoo (: br ksampean mkn baso n mie doank sih. itu jg bukan mie ayam krn gw mkn d golden palace ato apalah itu d foodcourt ps. jd ky ramen gt bentuknya. anw td gw k ps, mahakam, kebayoran baru, trus k pasar baru. geez. city tour bgd tuh. k ps ketemuan sm tmn gw yg jumat ini balik jrmn lg. k mahakam survey tmp reuni sd nanti. k kebayoran baru nemenin tmn gw nyari lensa n tnyt barangnya gada. k pasar baru nemenin tmn gw yg ttp niat smangat 45 nyari lensa. n still ga dpt apa². heheh. yg ada kita mlh kna 3 in 1 n muter jalan k gajah mada kluar grogol n doi salah naik tol pdhl gw uda blg kl gerbang tolnya itu yg depanan lg. akhirnya perjalanan yg hrsny cm skitar 90 mnt molor jd 3 jm. n gw terpaksa nahan pipis dr pasar baru sampe taman mini. can u imagine that ? tmn gw masuk tol cawang n stlh gw liat gunung n mikir kl gw uda d bogor, tmn gw br nemu puteran k arah bsd n doi kluar d ciputat. well done martin ! hahah

tp asik sih jalan hr ini. td gw smpt blg : ini baru namanya balik indo. heheh. kl balik indo kerjaannya cm kluar masuk mall, trus mkn junkfood, trus jalan kmana² ga pake nyasar, itu mah basii ! pulang tuh hrsny d bikin semaximal mgkn. makan lah smua mknan yg gada d tmp loe skr. pergi lah k tmp yg aneh n terpencil n ga tertera d peta. rasain deh nyasar k tmp antah berantah dgn kaki ampir copot gr² bolak balik pasar baru 3 ronde n panas n bensin tipis n hrs nahan pipis d tol pas macet panjang. wuii. mankstab ! apalagi yg nyetir itu ga punya sim. tp krn doi ngerasa sangat ganteng, dy cuek aja tuh nyetir bolak balik d jln protokol gt. heheh. nykp sih smpt complain krn dy nganggep gw ga nepatin omongan gw bwt stay much longer drmh drpd jln². ya tp gmn donk. dsana kan gw ga bs bgini. jd kl mw jalan ampe kaki memendek 5cm ya cm bs dsini. lagian gw ga pnh plng ab jm 10 malm ko. perginya jg sll ab jm 10 pagi. quite fair, isnt it ?

tp gw emank aga amazed sm schedule gw minggu ini. penuh jg yah tnyt. td uda kliling jkt sharian. bsk gw mch mw k daerah mangga dua n jelambar. rabu kamis jumat sih smpe skr mch kosong. sabtu kyny mw jln sm tmn gw. minggu mw ntn tmn gw perform ballet d tim. minggu dpn gw hrs k daerah atma slny mw anter titipan tmn n skalian jln brg tmn gw. snin 2 minggu lg tmn gw ngajakin k mangdu. well well well. bhkn itu smua sampe gw masukin reminder biar gw ga lupa. hohoo. blum bkin check list makanan yg mw dmakan dsini. quite fun though. tp ttp aja gw kpikiran zulassung. gmn kbrny yah ? n gw kangen bgadang sampe subuh d jrmn. gw kangen stuky sndirian d kmr. hahahah. apropo ada ziggo br dsini. namanya A-volution. sie ist so dünn und klein aber sie gibt genau dasselbe effekt wie die große A ziggo. die werde ich gerne mitbringen (:

skr gw cape n ngantuk n hat keine lust mehr. apropo td pagi gw bgn jm 6 loh. wow. bsk hrs bgn jm 7 krn mw pergi dr jm stgh 8 sampe malm lg. err. werde gleich kaputt ! aber begeistert (: lick u later

the last 13 hours

2009-02-13T00:39:00.000+02:00

br aja tmn gw balik dr rmh gw. stlh bbrp kali dy main ksini n smpt übernachten skali sm gw, i decided that he isnt that bad (: actually bad isnt the right word to express the thing. aber ich kann kein mehr passendes wort finden. jgn tny gmn caranya gw bs knal sm dy, tp asli, he wasnt that kind of person i really want to know at the first place. gw ga inget gmn awalnya gw jd ngbrl sm dy. kl ga slh krn gw pajang nmr hp gw d fs *wkt itu fb blum ky skr* n dy iseng tlvn gw. trus ngbrl. trus dy nitip rokok krn wkt itu kebetulan gw mw balik indo. well as simple as that tp tnyt friendshipnya lanjut sampe skr.

blkgn dy srg curhat sm gw walopun sadly gw ga bs ngch masukan yg bgs bwt dy. how can i say, dy itu tll baik jd org. terutama sm lawan jenis. bwt gw dy itu tipe org yg baiknya beneran baik sm org yg jg baik sm dy. n dy ga pamrih. ini slh 1 hal yg kdg bkin cw jd slh persepsi kl dihadapin sm org ky dy. kmrn dy crt ktny dl smpt ada bbrp cw yg tdny tmn biasa, trus krn dy baik bgitu, cw itu jd ngerasa dpt angin n mikir kl dy itu lebih. entah lbh ganteng, lbh perhatian, tp intinya he is worth fighting for. n gw blg k dy that it wasnt his fault at all. dy bukan org pertama yg gw temuin yg pny sikap ky gt. so far ada 5 org tmn gw yg bgitu n having them in my life is such a treasure. n the point is that all of them are male. jd mrk reliable bgd. well anw, thanks dude (:

kdg gw wondering sndiri, gmn cara org tua mrk ngedidik mrk sampe bs jd manusia yg ky gt. terutama apa yg dtanemin d otak mrk ttg cr behandeln n mnghargai perempuan. well gw ga blg kl perempuan itu hrs dperlakukan scr khusus sih. cm scara fisik emank mostly kita lbh lemah drpd cowo. dlm hal ganti ban mobil, angkat koper, nyetir n parkir, benerin genteng bocor etc etc. kdg gw ngarep kl org tua yg ky gt bs dkirim aja k ngr² lain yg blm tll mnghargai perempuan. ato dsuru bkin seminar kiat sukses mendidik anak lakilaki. tp ga berarti smua anak cowo yg baik gt dtg dr kluarga yg beres. ada jg yg dtg dr kluarga broken home. n bwt mrk itu, gw ngacungin smua jempol. mrk ga jd urakan ato apa, tp mrk mw n commit bwt jd manusia dewasa yg bhkn lbh dewasa drpd org tuanya sndiri. itu gw salut. bukannya mlh mellow ga jlas or ngdrugs or krjaannya main n ngelayap mulu. n at this point i have to admit that god is fair. trully fair. kita mgkn ga sll dpt apa yg kita mw yah. tp kita akan sll dpt apa yg kita butuh. n kita ga akan kekurangan. gw ga ngutip kata² ini krn ada d alkitab, tp krn gw ngalamin sndiri. das war und das ist ne wahre erfahrung. kl dtanya, gw ga akan mikir 2x untuk married sm cowo ky gt. hahah. but sadly gw tuh orgny pecicilan bgd. kasian kl dpt suami ky gt nanti doi makan ati mulu. heheh.

bsk jm 14.25 gw cabut. balik indo lagi. dunno gw hrs seneng ato gmn. aber echt, kali ini beraat bgd ninggalin jerman. ninggalin situasi yg bnr² bkin gw enjoy n bkin gw sll bgn dgn mood yg ok. n bkin gw percaya kl hr itu akan jd another good day for me. for all of us. percaya kl pelangi itu sll ada stlh ujan seharian ato semaleman. cm mgkn posisinya aja yg ga memungkinkan kita bwt sll bs liat pelangi. percaya kl frühling sbntr lg dtg. lalu sommer. n life goes on and on. irama n ketukannya mgkn beda² bwt msg² org. tp percaya aja, d akhir konser hidup loe, loe akan dpt applause (:

02.02 pm

2009-02-12T14:47:00.000+02:00

the sky is hurt and crying
the pine charms the fire

i think u should stay

the dawn is breaking
a light shining through
u are barely waking
and im tangled up in u

when im open u are closed
where i follow u will go
i worry i wont see ur face light up again

even the best fall down sometimes
even the wrong words seem to rhyme
out of the doubt that fills my mind
i somehow find u and i collide

even the best fall down
even the stars refuse to shine
out of the back u fall in time
i somehow find u and i collide

dont stop here
i have lost my place i closed behind

body and soul

2009-02-10T19:45:00.000+02:00

hari ini gw bgn dgn kondisi ga ok. td gw pasang alarm jm 7 dgn niat baik bgnin org yg blkgn suka bgd bgadang sampe pagi. alarm bunyi, gw bgn, sms, trus tdr lg. stgh jm kmudian gw kbangun lg krn hp gw bunyi. siapa ? org yg slama ini ga pnh gw harapkan bwt tlvn gw. org yg slama ini cm speak speak doank tanpa ada bukti nyata dr omongannya. gw dtlvn 15 mnt tp efek dr 15 mnt itu lanjut seharian. sampe gw nulis skr. i know it sounds lebay und übermellow but it was excatly how i feel this morning. plus langit tuh gelap bgd n ujan turun pas gw br mw masuk kereta k frankfurt.

sampe akhirnya sambil smsan sm tmn gw, gw blg gw pgn main ujan²an. permainan yg jujurnya blm pnh gw mainin dr kcil krn ga dkasih sm nykp dgn alasan nanti pilek. gw smpt pgn main ujan sm tmn gw wkt gw smp, uda siap tempur n nykp jg awalnya uda stuju. pas gw mw ngelangkah k teras tb² nykp gw ksambet trus ngmg : eh jgn deh la. kan minggu dpan kmu ulangan bnyk. nanti kl pilek repot ! naja. stlh sdikit ngedumel n manyun akhirnya gw nyerah n masuk rmh lg. see ? gw bukan cm blm pnh k bali. gw bhkn blm pnh main ujan, blm pnh ntn lion king, twilight, madagascar, n blm pnh nyobain gulali abang² yg bs dbentuk sesuai pesenan kita itu. tw ga gulali itu ? yg bs dbentuk empeng, pesawat terbang, bunga, etc. ktny skr adanya cm d kota tua doank. n gw niat nyamperin ksana kl gw plng.

pulang. balik indo. ketemu kluarga. ketemu tmn skolah. ketemu tetangga dr jaman kecil. ketemu org yg loe ga pgn ketemu. dtg k tmp yg loe ga pgn dtgin. mengingat smua yg ga pgn loe ingat. udah lewat sih. cm loe tw lah, ky kl mslny loe pnh jatuh ngusruk wkt kecil ddpan hlmn skolah *gw pnh ky gt* saat jatuh mgkn loe lbh ngrasa kaget drpd sakit. stlh loe dbangunin, br deh loe liat lutut, telapak tangan, bhkn idung loe lecet n berdarah. saat itu br berasa sakitnya. tp itu bukan klimaksnya. bwt gw sakit yg plg sakit itu br loe rasain saat loe dlm proses menuju smbuh. gmn perihnya luka loe saat itu d obatin. gmn loe meringis nahan rasa ky d silet pas luka loe kena air mandi. gmn loe kaget sndiri saat loe lupa kl lutut loe lg luka n tmn loe mlh ga sngaja mukul lutut loe. saat itu mgkn lutut loe adalah brg plg berharga d antara smua bagian tubuh loe. kl duduk pelan², kl gatel d usap² n ga dgaruk ky kenek bis lg garuk panu, kl mandi lututnya dsabunin scara intens spy bersih n lukanya cpt kering. 1001 cara loe lakuin demi lutut loe. bwt cw terutama, mrk gmw lututnya bopeng ato ninggalin bekas luka krn itu bs mengganggu pnampilan saat mrk pake rok. sampe akhirnya luka loe sembuh. n 10 taun kedepan mgkn loe lupa kl loe pnh jatuh pas bljr naik sepeda. lupa kl loe pnh ngusruk krn kselengkat kaki tmn loe d hlmn sd. lupa kl jari loe pnh kebelah cutter saat loe bikin tgs KTK. loe dgn gampangnya lupa krn luka itu ga berbekas. ato mgkn kejadian pnyebab luka itu ga extraordinary. tp cb kl luka itu ninggalin bekas seumur idup d tmp yg sangat terexpose umum. n lukanya sangat mencolok. gw rasa loe akan pake sgala cara bwt nutupin luka itu. entah loe jd anti pake rok, anti pake u can see, sll punya poni, entah.

loe berusaha sekuat tenaga n muter otak sampe jumpalitan just to cover ur scar. spy org lain ga liat. krn loe malu kl mrk liat. krn loe ga PD. krn loe nyesel senyeselnyeselnya pny bekas luka ky gt. krn loe ga berdaya n ga bs ngilangin bekas luka loe. tell u what : luka fisik itu mch jauh lbh mnding drpd luka batin. ada bnyk dokter kecantikan yg uda ngetop n mch ada lbh bnyk lg yg otw bwt jd dokter kecantikan. tp bwt ngebenerin luka batin ? hmm. yummy (:

bwt nyembuhin luka krn jatuh paling lama butuh wkt sminggu. saat tmn loe ga sngaja mencet luka loe, dlm 5 mnt loe akan lupa sm sakitnya. 2 minggu kmudian kulit yg luka itu akan ngelupas n loe bs liat kulit br yg mch elastis tumbuh dbwhnya. tp bwt nyembuhin luka mental, it could take ur whole lifetime. kl loe tipe pemaaf mgkn dlm hitungan taun loe uda biasa aja. ato mgkn luka mentalnya ga se-dalem itu jd loe ga prlu tll bnyk wkt bwt erholung. u could look back n say : i forget u and i forgive u. to forget n to forgive itu 2 hal yg bedanya lmyn jauh. n butuh usaha yg beda jg bwt sampe k msg² tahap. saat loe dsakitin krn cinta ato krn d backstabb sm tmn loe ato krn sahabat loe bohongin loe, gw mch bs blg itu sakit hati stadium 2. cari lah pacar baru, jgn tmnan lg sm tmn loe yg itu, bljr jgn naruh tll bnyk kpercayaan sm 1 org. however mrk manusia jg. we are all just ordinary people. saat loe ngalamin hal yg ga enak saat loe uda d usia cukup dewasa entah internal dr kluarga or external dr lingkungan sekitar, itu sakit hati stadium 3. at least rasio loe uda lbh jalan n mental survivor loe akan ngedorong loe untuk terus melangkah maju n ga terpuruk d 1 kondisi yg ga enak. loe akan pake smua sel otak loe bwt mikir gmn caranya spy loe bs berdamai sm keadaan. entah loe mutusin bwt sma or kuliah d luar kota spy loe bs mulai hidup br tanpa ada yg hrs tw vergangenheit loe. entah loe tutup kuping n pake kcmt kuda n ga peduli sm keadaan. entah loe jd ngdrugs. entah loe jd jrg ato sangat sering k tmp ibadah n berdoa bwt mslh loe saat itu. entah.

saat loe ngalamin hal ga enak yg dauernd dr loe kecil sampe loe gede n it seems like never bein ended, mgkn loe ngalamin sakit hati stadium 4. loe nyoba sgala cara spy sakit loe could be healed. spy bekas lukanya ga kliatan. spy mslh itu bs kekubur dbawah tanah n ga muncul lagi. spy org yg nimbulin mslh itu walk out of ur life. sampe mulut loe monyong krn loe ngadu terus sm tuhan ttg mslh loe yg 1 ini. sampe loe ga bs nangis lagi saking dulu uda kbanyakan nangis untuk hal yg 1 ini. sampe loe bs ngbrl santai sm org yg loe ga suka itu. sampe loe ga ngrasa jengah ato ga enakan saat loe liat org lain yg situasinya lbh baik dr loe saat itu hari ini. sampe loe bs hidup tenang tanpa trauma masa lalu. sampe loe bs nengok k blkg n blg : i am not forget, but i forgive u. tell u what : its so damn hard. its so damn hurt too. loe ga cm butuh sel otak loe. loe butuh nervensystem loe jg. smua sel yg ada d tubuh loe hrs sama² berdamai dgn keadaan. even org yg nyebelin itu akan ttp bleibt nyebelin no matter what. even org yg gtw diri itu akan terus mampir k hidup loe tanpa permisi. even org rese itu akan berulang kali mencet n mukul luka loe yg blm 100% kering.

well thats life, dude. its hard but its not too hard. its complicated but its freakin fun. n i wont let this 1 among 6 billion people in the world mess my life. its my life. the life is mine. maybe im not forget n i still cant forgive. but i dont hate u. i just dont like u enough. there is always be a price to pay. and this is excatly what u have to pay to me for all the things u have done before. for messing my childhood. for coming to my dream n being my nightmare. for making me run and run and run till i couldnt anymore. but thanks anw. for all the troubles that made me be an extraordinary human being. for all the hard times that made me tougher. for all the obstacles so that i always think a step forward. its my habbit now. praise the lord he created u so that i could also be created in this world n have such an interesting life like this.

gnite !

2009-02-10T00:46:00.001+02:00

sisa 4 hr sblum gw bener² cabut dr sini n balik k indo lagi. gtw knp kali ini rasanya dataar bgd. seneng sih mw balik. cm mgkn krn rentang wkt yg tll mepet jd euforianya ga tll berasa kali ini. yeah, gw br balik indo stgh taun yg lalu. balik yg full surprise n ngelakuin bnyk hal walopun waktu yg ada saat itu sempit bgd. rmh tuh kyny fungsinya cm bwt mandi n tdr doank. makan srg dluar. almost everyday jalan mlulu. entah jln sm nykp, sm tmn, or even jln sndirian krn mw nyuci mobil ato dsuru transfer k bank sm nykp. balik 4 minggu tp quality time-nya berasa bgd. mgkn krn timingnya pas sm lbr smstr anak kuliah ya, jd tmn² gw jg free smua. kali ini balik 8 minggu n tmn² gw sbagian bsar lg hectic kuliah. emank sih, kali ini gw mw lbh bnyk spend time sm nykp dbanding sm tmn gw. but could u imagine an 8 weeks long holiday without friends in ur own homeland ? 8 minggu trakhir ini jg gw sndirian aja dsini tp at least gw krja. ato ada aja tmn yg dtg or nginep drmh gw. n dsini mch bs jln² pake kaki n liat hal² baru krn ga polusi. nah d indo cb loe jln kaki siang² deh. gosong iya kecopetan iya bau ketek iya cape iya tp ga happy smskl. oke i know it sounds like im not interested at all. doch bin ich. gw seneng ko gw mw balik lg terutama krn reuni sd. but as another friend of mine n i said : smakin dket sm hr H loe mw balik indo, euforianya berkurang sdikit sdikit sampe akhirnya abis smskl. saat loe bs liat sumatra dr pesawat rasanya emank keren bgd. tp saat loe landing n kluar dr terminal 2 soekarno hatta, part of ur heart is breaking in a sudden. saat itu loe tau, tepat 4 minggu ato 8 minggu dr hari itu, loe hrs balik lg k jrmn ato k negara lain n face the real world once again yg smntr ini loe tinggal untuk bersenang² d homeland. ilang sudah euforia yg ada slama loe deg²an gelisah nunggu hari H bwt terbang balik indo. posisinya dgantiin sm suatu rasa yg undescribable. berantakan.

gw emank bbrp kali ngmg k tmn² gw kl kali ini rasanya gw ga niat bgd bwt balik. entah knp jgn tny. part of me says gw lg nemuin mainan baru dsini. n ky anak kecil yg keranjingan mainan baru, gw ga rela cuti dr mainan baru gw ini bwt 2 bln. part of me says im too tired. tired of waiting. tired of bein waited. cape dtanya berkali² kpn plng stell-la-tei-tel-te-saii-darling-hunni ? cape di claim : seneng ya mw plng. or kl gw jd loe sih gw bkl excited bgd plng. or loe enak bgd plng mulu stell. or loe ko plngny sbntr bgd ? etc etc. cape nunggu zulassung yg sampe skr blm dtg jg. gw serem joo. gw nanti ga bs jwb mantep : kdokteran om-tante-oma-opa kl gw dtanya : kuliah apa dsana ? cape mikirin gmn caranya biar overweight gw lolos. cape krn gw emank cape. 3 minggu blkgn gw tdr dbwh jm 3 mulu. mlh 1x tdr jm 6 pagi bgn jm 8. 3x tdr jm 4 bgn jm 8. sisanya tdr jm 3 bgn jm stgh 9. even gw 3 minggu ini krja mlulu, gw ttp bgadang tdr pagi. sampe ada tmn gw yg nny : loe lg sesuain sm siklus indo yah ? n gw jwb : hahah. gw ga pnh jet lag anw. entah knp ky ada bnyk hal yg spinning in my head. bbrp hal yg tdny gw pkr uda fix n beres 100% tp tnyt pkran gw itu meleset n gw hrs step carefully spy gw ga hrs ngejalanin plan B. one of them asked me once n dy berhasil nebak dgn bnr apa yg skr lg ada d otak gw. yeah. exactly those things. skr gw gmw ngmg bnyk dl ttg itu. nanti aja kl smua uda klar br gw refleksi lg. really hope im gonna take the best path. not just for me, but also for them all. cape fisik cape mental cape hati. hahah lebay. ga lah. cm cape mental yg kyny lmyn berat plus cape fisik yg emank blkgn lg dforsir bgd so that i could collapse in any time.

am not in a good condition. lg sensi abiss blkgn. not in that annoying way but in an underpressure way. ktambahan pikiran sdikiit aja gw bs kalang kabut. ended with a symptom only few friends of mine have known before. trus gw buka jendela kamar dan.. dmulai lah kbiasaan jelek gw itu. kbiasan jelek yg baru² ini mkin jadi. terutama krn 2 tmn gw yg blkgn lg rajin bgd mampir k hidup gw (generally). one of them bhkn baru plng td jm stgh 11 dr rmh gw stlh kita bkin mrtbk telur n mnm wein bareng. ich hab noch halbe fläsche, die ich wahrscheinlich am donnerstag abend zum ende bringen werde. dy itu tmn br yg ga gw sangka² smskl. n fyi : my new friendship started with a curhat session recently. so does this one. geez too sleepy to write or even tooth brushing. am gonna sleep now. lick u soon (:

sprint sdikit !

2009-02-06T02:09:00.000+02:00

ngapain gw jm sgini mch bgn ? yea rite guys, gw lg pre packing. at least gw masukin brg yg mw gw balikin k indo dl. titipan² nykp n tmn² gw. baju gw nyusul blkgn. guling gw jg ada d urutan plg blkg. gw ga akan tenteng itu guling ! egal wie, dy hrs msk koper. gila apa, muka gw mw taro mana ya ? heran. giliran kmrn gw pny jatah 30kg bagasi, gw cm bw 20kg. giliran jatah gw 20kg, gw mlh overweight. bwarghh. and 1 lg keajaiban dr negara sekaya deutschland : dsini gada porter. means gw hrs gotong itu koper yg aujubile beratnya turun dr lantai 3 trus jalan bbrp ratus meter k haltestelle. ok this night i decided to take a taxi. wont waste my time n energy to take such a trem or even worse : bus.

jujur ya, gw blm tenang bwt balik deh. zulassung gw blm dtg. means gw ga bs masukin bescheinigung k krankenkasse gw yg baru. kl itu surat ga dtg sblum gw balik indo, terpaksa hrs bkin vollmacht. itu yg gw ogah bgd. bukan knp ya, gw orgnya susah percaya sm org lain. tkt ga beres ato ada yg missed. scara ngurus einschreiben *daftar ulang* dsini aturannya lmyn ribet *terutama bwt jurusan NC* jd kl loe ga teliti n kurang 1 unterlage aja, melayanglah itu studienplatz. hufff. what a country. apropo, knp jg gw dtg ksini yaoloo ! tp tar kl ada tmn gw yg bc gw ngmg gt, dy pasti blg : yaampun tei, kan namanya jg nyari pngalaman. kl ttp d indo doank loe ga mgkn bs jd ky skr kan ? hell yeah. bnr jg sih

o gott bitte donkk. kirimin zulassungnya vor 13. februar yayaya ? damit ich im frieden nach hause fliegen kann. damit alles vor dem urlaub erledigt ist. damit ich niemanden wegen uni stören muss. bitte bitte bitte ! gw bahkan blum beli wein n käse n apfelstrudel n knödel n pasta spinato. o gosh ! mch bnyk aja ya tnyt. blum hrs nyari kaos yg ada bau² frankfurtnya. i know it sounds soo yockel but what can i do ? my granddad wanna have some of them. geez. aber mindestens frankfurt t shirt sieht noch besser aus als thailand t shirt. hahahah :D

great uda jm stgh 2 pagi aja sih. bsk gw hrs kerja ya. n barusan tmn gw ngewall trs ngmg kl dy uda d jkt ! sinting loe tha ! sok² heboh pas tw gw mw balik minggu dpan pdhl loe sndiri uda nyampe duluan ! hahah resee. think i gotta sleep now. smoga bsk jd lbh baik ! (:

when the lights burn out

2009-02-05T16:13:00.000+02:00

when its cold, i think of u and things feel like old times
and the laughs we had warm me inside
my mind is at ease
when thinking of u and me

had a fight on our last go round
no idea my world would come right down
with nothing left to hold
its crazy to know that u would still be there

and i want u to know, i will be here till my hair falls out
and shining when the lights burn out
and i know its been a while but i cant help a smile
when u turn my world upside down
yes i know its been years since we ve talked on the phone this long
and didnt say who was wrong
lets try to make this right
and i need some of u in my life

take some time to reflect on the day that our friendship was set aside
by the words that got mixed up in my mind
a simple flaw is enough to destroy us all
i admit i was wrong but dragging this out too long
was enough to make me write this song
and say im sorry for all the things i ve done

and i want u to know, i will be here till my hair falls out
and shining when the lights burn out
and i know its been a while but i cant help a smile
when u turn my world upside down
yes i know its been years since we ve talked on the phone this long
and didnt say who was wrong
lets try to make this right
i say i need some of u in my life
when the lights burn out

chris cendana

blkgn, ada waktunya gw ngrasa world is spinning too fast. n gw gada tiang ato apapun bwt pegangan. gw gmw jatuh, gw gmw kebawa angin. gw gmw ngikutin emosi n hati gw. kali ini gw butuh rasio n logika gw. shortly i hate to feel this way. an undescribeable feeling. als ob du schmetterlinge im bauch hast. as if u are stuck in the middle of something. as if u are feeling guilty for leaving the old for the new one. melangkah maju emank ga pnh salah ko. asalkan loe tw loe mw melangkah kmana. bukan asal melangkah n tb² get lost. tp kadang walopun loe uda tw loe mw kmana, ada jg saatnya loe dihadapkan sm crossroad. 4 jln itu pny plus minus msg² n smuanya sama² menantang. saat itu loe hrs bkin konklusi yg tepat dgn waktu yg ga bnyk n loe hrs meminimalisir smua unsur negativ dr jalan yg akan loe pilih.

knp blkgn gw ngmgin jalan mlulu ya ? hahah gw jg kyne ahnung. jalan gw mch pjg sih, i know that. n smua ups n downs yg gw berhasil ato gagal lewatin slama ini, uda sdikit bnyk membantu gw bwt nentuin arah jln slanjutnya. mantep ga arahnya ? 70% mantep ko. 30% sisanya gw simpen bwt bumbu² jalanan. entah itu debu, kecipratan air, panas matahari, ato mungkin nemu uang 50 euro dpinggir jln yg akan gw lewatin nantinya. menengok k blkg boleh ga ? boleh ko, bwt refleksi diri aja. tp jgn nengok tll lama, nanti loe jd ga fokus sm jlnannya trus ksandung batu. ato nabrak tiang. ato tb² ddpan loe jalan buntu tp loe ga nyadar. kl uda begitu, cepet² deh loe ngadep dpan lagi before its too late.

h a l l o !

2009-02-05T14:26:00.000+02:00

so. stlh bbrp tmn gw nny : tei loe knp ga bkin blog aja sih ? akhirnya gw luluh nyerah n bikin blog jg. actually gw gmw bkin blog krn gmw jd goblog ky org² yg sparuh hidupnya dhabiskan bwt posting blog ga penting. no offense dudes (: tp ga smua org ky gt ko. ada jg yg isi blognya bs bkin gw ngakak. ada yg bkin gw mnyesal krn uda pnh blogwalking dsitu. ada yg bkin gw pgn balik lg ksitu walopun tnyt blm ada update apapun dr ownernya. aber hauptsache, skr mgkn isi kepala gw akan migrasi k blog. say bye to notes fb. lick u around !